...Musing

Hi,
For some reasons, I've been going through our mail-gists till date and consequently feel a certain sense of closeness to you.
It seems its like 10,000 years since I last spoke with you...so why dont I call? I dont know (!)
*deeply confused look*
Thinking of you makes me smile, okay, sometimes laugh.
What this means exactly I sincerely do not know. But one thing is certain, I have definitely grown closer to you than I might otherwise admit to myself or anybody else for that matter.
Why am I even writing this? I've bothered to ask myself. I do not know why. But a word keeps coming to mind 'premonition'. No! Don't ask me what that means (either) or its relevance-I honestly do not know.
*sigh*
I have , of course, tried to psycho analyse you. I have wondered about you endlessly. Do you know I think about you often? Whats your tale? Where have you been?What makes you smile? what makes you sad? What are your dreams? What are your fears? How can I help?

I have listened to you , like I haven't to anyone in a while. and I have found you a wonderful woman. Of course not perfect (who is?) but a wonderful woman. Someone who I would readily wish I had known at least 3 years before now...maybe my life would have had a better chance at happiness than right now...Maybe I'll still know of a certainty how to initiate and return happiness to others from my heart.

I have tried to read between the lines and make sense of the many hours we've spent talking, writing, laughing and sharing each others' days and events. I can only say this much 'I appreciate you'. I am grateful for the chance to have known you, to have been singled out by you for the shower of attention, to have been given the opportunity to share a part of your life. It both amuses me and gladdens my heart; all at the same time.

If not for the many bags and baggage I carry around, I might even have been able to love you like a wonderful person like you deserves. it grieves me to smithereens when I think about it. I have half expected ( and maybe hoped) that, somehow, you'd grow weary of talking to me and fizzle out. Cos I know I may never be able to do that myself. I see many bright, smiles and laughter filled years in your life and often wonder if I might be holding you back from living it; and often times if I'm meant to OR will be privileged to be a part of it...

Ma'am, You have been and are a blessing to me. All of these somehow add to my grief and to the thought that I'm just being a selfish oaf. I feel bad that I may not be able to offer you all you deserve in return nor even be able to sincerely make a heart-felt promise to. Don't get me wrong, the desire is there to...but the reality of the many strings with which I am still entangled and in whose shadow I seem to still dwell weighs heavily on my heart. Thinking of you sometimes then make me sad.
That said. Allow me to re-iterate that everything I have ever said to you have been true, sincere and heartfelt-to the best of my knowledge.

I cant ever erase from my faculties the picture of you as a flower in bloom that wants to and needs to be shielded and cared for. Taken indoors and shown off with utmost pride while its fragrance and beauty illuminates the lives that encounter it.

I'm gravely and sorely tempted to think the healing my heart seeks may be found with you, and my heart likes the idea too...did I hear you say 'selfish bastard'?, LOL I agree too.

Dear lady, this much is certain though; whatever happens, wherever I am, at whenever - the time I've been privileged to spend with you will always be some of my fondest.

Yeah I know, I may not be making sense at all. *chuckle*

Hope you are okay and your heart is at peace.
*wide heartfelt smile*

Na me,

ManCee

GRAND TUSSLE (II)

"We shall overcooome..."
Overcome what? ourselves?
The song makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
Cry for what I once believed in and held dear
Laugh for the 'ridiculousity' of dreams and hopes and...

One often fancied a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel...
Now it seems the global recession has hit everywhere
Someone must have switched it off to save power
Now we embrace the ensuing dark
We remember its warmth
The all-inclusive nothingness-No
One does not grope in the dark,
For we are dark-tis what we and all things were
Before it pleased Him to say "Let there be light"
And there was light.

Till then we walk as dark
Shrouded in our small strength
Which we know the winds'll blow away soon
For we are dark
Till he says the word
When it pleases Him to say the word
that the word may be a lamp unto our path

IF it pleases Him.
When it pleases Him.

GRAND TUSSLE (I)

(...from the archives; a fork in the road situation and a period of great pain)
:-)


If I lose my reason
Will it be for my soul?
If I lose my soul?
Will it be for a reason...

When events refuse the Master Plan
Frustration we've discovered, grows titanically
Prods you to deviate from the chosen path
And find in the melee; a whole new foothold

Waltzing to the dance of existence
Be often times like the tango
The many years of preparation
Suddenly dont matter on the dance floor
If associates neglect to step in tune
To Life's complicated melody
The strong man is labelled a weakling
For want of a decent mate, all fails
The sequence of steps, it fails

When the Chief Imam whitelists pork
Is this progress or recession
Is it dying or finally living
Does one revel in the new awareness
or solemnly weep in ashes

"We have kept the faith
We ran the course
We fought a good fight"
But the trip would suddenly pale in attraction
If the reward be only in the heavenlies

You who made all with a word
You who orchestrates from a higher floor;
See, the world crumbles, the structures tumble
Whats to be done, how does one stay strong
For there's an ongoing struggle, Sir
Grand tussle, a soul tussle.