Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Memoirs Of a Lagos Returnee (Part 1)

Fact: I do not like lagos.
Fact: Lagos is just like jand/yankee...good enough to visit, not as much to live in
Fact: I do not like lagos.

So I was away from lagos. For about two years. No it wasnt my first time living outside the state, but contrasting that with the other times...this time I actually had fun.

I could and did dictate my own terms, I could and did choose my affiliates and associates. In other words, I was king of my own hill- albeit small.

Fast forward many months after 'returning', I'm in hospital typing this. My 'yansh' (excuse my french) has been poked ever so often I think I might need the services of some 'vulcanizer' dude.
So wetin bring my "hole-y butt" to this den of white clad eggheads with weird earphones and scantily clad pretty nurses with legs that make you want to feign a headache? Hmmm, na 'malaria' o!

My brother! So I suddenly developed a chill in the office, put on a winter coat (seriously) but no relief. I went upnto the balcony and stayed in the sun but my fingers still felt like they were laced with liquid nitrogen. It was either that I was developing powers akin to Sub-Zero's or something was wrong. Then it hit me- I have a fever!

Sharply sharply, I trotted down to the company clinic, doc asked me if I was okay. Honestly, I thought this was sarcastic and I wanted to answer in equal measure and jump on his desk singing "I feeeeeel good", James Brown style. All I could manage was a lame imitation of Maintain's "I catch cold".

Some blood work later, the verdict was one of africa's most common yet worst killer- malaria.

I was let off that day, a friend drove me home but I was back 2 days later for an overnight stint with a diagnoses of increased parasite activity in my blood! Doc said I missed a chance of it developing into 'cerebral malaria'! Hmmmm

A week later after I was discharged, I got a carton of baygon insecticide and sprayed the whole house...next morning, I was greeted with the sight of the most dead mosquitoes I have ever seen in my entire life.

For those in naija right now, abeg with the flooding everywhere...install mosquitoe nets and spray your home with insecticides. For those outside naija, remind your people back home to. Or better still, send money home to buy some.



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Friday, April 27, 2012


No be today wey we know say people too like money and folks who appear to have it. No be today we know say babes think they can smell money on a person...no be today we know say they can.

Or can they?

Another Bach Eve, and of course...my boys book another fancy club/hotel, block book their rooms and block the streets with their fancy cars. No be today.

The bus loads of chics roll up, all clad (or not) in various apparels and at different stages of undress to join in send off this soon to be wed to his own version of marriage-bliss or curse, we can only wish him well.

As usual, there are other fellas from other organizations there, who though they have less funds to philander with represent nonetheless with comparable swagger...and to the females with bulging and calculating eyes...there is no difference.

Of note was this particular dude, he was dancing with almost all the fine and 'gifted' chics.  Grinding, grinning and obviously having the time of his life. No sooner do you see him and some chic in a corner smooching and exchanging numbers, than you'd see him with another repeating the same ritual. Someone pointed him out and we couldnt quite place who he was affiliated to...but hey!

While nursing my diet coke by the bar, I found him by my side taking a break and remarked on how he was quite the ladies man. He laughed and said " Baba, if only I was half of what you guys are, dem for hear am". He had been telling the girls he was another 'Oyel Big Boi' and tales of his many brushes and narrow escapes with MEND et al and of course the ladies were lapping it up and licking his 'kini' (he swears by this) believing they were snaring a big fish.

According to him, "Afteral, why else do you think these chics willingly come to Bach Eves and parties of big boys? To catch a big fish. Simple"

On what he'll do when later they find out? Oh, thats easy...he'll throw it back at them for being shallow if the only reason they wanted him was because they thought he had more money than they thought he did. And of course, ' He go don already chop, numerous times by then!'

No be today wey we know say people too like money and folks who appear to have it. No be today we know say babes think they can smell money on a person...no be today we know say they can.

Or can they?


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