Monday, September 13, 2010

The Joseph in Me

(I wrote this a very long while ago and recently found it during a cleaning spate. Thought I'd share it with y'all)

Its a new month and yah dah yah dah, the year is running to an end ...again. *sigh*.

So I'm thinking, People always say 'may your wishes come true', come to think of it-I never wrote dow my wishes before. Now I'll embrace the cloak of anonymity and attempt to...

I have a dream...

I want to be rich (Duh!?) I want to retire at forty.

I want o be known as a philantropic business man. I want to use part of my business proceeds for charity. Since , sometimes I doubt the operandi of most NGOs (confessions, confessions) I'll probably start one and have another business arm act as its funds-generator. It'll most likely be skewed towards education/ personal develpment.

I want to marry (OMG, cant believe I'm writing that). Not just for the sake of marriage, but for the companionship. I have great great friends and family (well, most are) but there's always that thingy missing that I think we've all been programmed to seek in the marriage institution. I dont know yet if actual marriage will be good for me, but I want to have that special someone by my side soothing me and vice versa. :-)

Kids? Not sure. Maybe one maybe two. No more. Love those tiny people but I'm allergic to a prolonged exposure. Especially, when they start squirming and pooing and screaming the heavens down. Then you'll understand why God gave them the boot from yonder and sent them here as part of our continuing punishment (lol). I'd love to see mine grow up and be successful, focussed individuals who'd do much better than I would.

I'd like to have an educational institution. Teaching both formal and informal stuff. As formal as a structured curriculum school for kids and as informal as a grooming school for ladies (and interested guys). I have this vision of my 70th birthday and so many peeps I've touched would be in attendance.

I'd love to have sex at least 4 times a week. why are you surprised? tis too small or too much? I like to believe that its mid way. I'd like to quickly add that this doesnt mean if I exhaust my sex credit say by tuesday then no show again till next week. No ma'am. Fact is, I'd like it like every day. Before or after (damn! during) breakfast. But I hear women cant sustain as much of it as men can??? or is it just a marriage malady for women?

I'd love to have a mate who'll be my best friend (Yep! we'll demote the boyz). Who'd let me be the man in the home and not contest the sceptre. I would listen to her, gist with her...all the time. I'd ask after her dreams + career and help to make them work. I'd love for her to be someone concerned about her body and how she looks-NO she doesnt have to be an Agbani nor a botox addict. No ma'am, just need you to be a clean, tidy, industrious woman. I'd love for her to be FORGIVING; leave the hurt and pleasures of past boyfriends and relationships behind her and let us be newbies with each other. I'd love to give her a treat 'just because' and I'd bask in the joy of her near childish glee at my offerings. I'd like for her to 'spoil me' with correct home-cooked food and I promise to lick my fingers at every meal. I'd LOVE for her NOT to be a troublesome person. Who even if there is a 'valid' arguement to be had, would weigh the damage it could to 'us' and balance it with her love for drama/ need to vent. Someone who'd leave her parents' attitude to each other (good and bad) alone and lets write ours, afresh. I'm beginning to feel like I'm asking for an Extra-Terrestial .lol. Religion? Not sure. I want a good person-I've painfully found out this doesnt depend on religion

Tis funny. I feel like the others are well within my grasp and ability save for the part of a wife. She could be all Lovey-Dovey till marriage only to become a BIATCH. Heck She may even refuse me sex as 'punishment'. That'll be horrible. Or worse, she just opens up and wouldnt participate in the sextivity. That brings me to my last wish "to never have a reason to nor actually sleep with another person after the 'I do' "

Friday, August 20, 2010


This is a product of a very boring morning meeting (and an iPhone 3GS that makes typing fun), so forgive the obvious 'joblessness' that is the mainframe of this train of thought.

I hate being lied to, especially when they are obvious lies that I feel insult my intelligence. ONLY exception to this rule is IF you are Steven Spielberg, John Woo etc and I have paid you my money and relegated my thinking facilities to the back ground and have prepared to be lied to on the big screen.

However, this morning for some reasons, these repressed memories come now to haunt me-for example, see Transformers (still one of the best tribute to the geek community, of which I'm a proud member. Thank you). It goes against most theories and realities of physics for those huge machine goons to 'transform' and become cars, trucks etc.
That said, Transformers 2 is a disgrace. A blatant disregard for and blasphemy against the lofty worship of science by those damn heretic commerce fanatics. Why would you bring such concept as 'the fallen' into a decent geek flick. I mean although sci fi and magic vids are similar in the portrayal of the impossible but there is a reason some of us will NEVER touch any of the Harry Potter defilements; sci-fi attempts to give some credible explanation for it's conjectures beyond some childish incoherent babble of 'abracadabra' and 'whooosh'. Tah!

Those heretics literally brought their mysticism corruption into an otherwise decent pillar of geeky fantasy. C'mon!!!
Transformer 2 and all associated merchandise should be withdrawn and discontinued as an Attempt at Restitution. And of course, such violations of the rational science inclined mind naturally leads one to start finding the many hidden fault lines in the green-eyed director's creation. An undeniable one being the fine chic-I choose to not remember her name- in spite of going through ALL the fireworks alive (!!!!!), she still managed to look hot and like she just stepped out of an intensive 24hr make up session. Come on, man. Did Mammon, your green-backed god put you in such a hurry to reap heaps of greens from us all that you let such 'obvious-ities' slip through your otherwise capable minds?

Well, that's what happens when you directors -who are high priests of the Order of the Geek decamp and defile yourselves with the droppings from the table of those sloven, vile green eyed Abominations.
Do not under estimate the power and reach of science and the geeks who genuflect at her altars, better issue us an unreserved apology ... Emmm, any chance of a free ticket to the premiere of Transformers 3? *wide toothy grin*

Sunday, August 8, 2010


As more time passes
And thoughts of you dear one
bloom mindlessly in my mind

I will reach out to you
across the expanse
this expanse
Thoughts of you will soar
taking up wings
and floating into the blue sky
changing to kisses
and gently floating to your side
to bring me to you
in a cloud of dreams
to alight softly on your pillow
and sing you sweet lullabies

I'll take your hands in mine
look in your eyes through their lids

I will stroke your face softly
lightly twist your hair round my fingers
Watch you while you beauty-sleep
And as the morning comes
Leave a box of kisses on your pillow
Each to melt in your mouth
And whisper in your ears dear
'My voice is my camouflage,
I am always right beside you"

How lovely your smile
Ever seems, to me,
instilling warmth and love.
Dancing sunbeams
Inside my heart.

-ManCee 00:18; 03052010

Monday, August 2, 2010


Every one has them I think, that bros who left for greener pastures a long time ago and hasnt been home in a long while yes there are the occasional ones who always keep in touch and everyone agrees that he is an 'okay' guy. Bros Emeka was that for us. Because he was such a correct guy, we were all constantly asking ' my bros, when r you taking a wife?'
He would laugh and say 'soon , my dear'. it was now the twelfth year.
We were not blood relations but you'd never know. I got to know him through his younger brother 'Cosmos'. We were his errand boys. If he needed something done in naija, it was either Cosmos or me- and he always settled well. These side runs helped fuel our adventures in 'womanism'.
Then came the day bro Emeka called and said he wanted to come rendezvous with a certain damsel he met in Germany while she came on vacation and they've been talking ever since. He said the relationship has been on for 3 months. He had not told anyone about her -not even us his boys-so as not to raise false hopes. We were elated.
On his arrival date, we were there to pick him up. At the hotel, he 'settled' us and asked us to disappear. We didn't see for a fortnight-only on phone. We were dying to meet this chic that had caught bros like so.
Cosmos said she had better be fine, I said better not have an accent.
Bro Emeka asked us to show after 2 weeks to meet her. I went but Cosmos couldnt get away from school. I got there early but she had to go run an errand. I teased bro 'E' endlessly when he told us this may be 'The One'- so well behaved, so decent. By the time she arrived we were all pretty gay from the many green and brown bottles stagerring about on the ruged floor. A gentle knock on the door and in walked unarguably one of the drop dead gorgeous girls I had laid eyes on yet. I momentarily oscillated between lust, envy, joy. When she opened her full lips to say 'good morning' in accentless english, I settled for lust. When bros 'E' mentioned me as 'his personal person' and her hazel eyes lighted up in glee, my emotions moved to envy. God knows I lingered on the hand shake. When she moved past me to hug bros, her Perf did a number on my head, catching a glimpse of her boobs from my higher height didn't help a bit. When I sighted the bump behind her as she leaned in to peck bros 'E', it was with my last will power that my member didnot come erect. I choked on my saliva and had to excuse myself to the gents. Damn! That girl was fine. Well , I blame my reaction on the alcohol.
At the carpark, I asked if we could call her 'Eve' for short. She objected rather quickly and added that she had an emotional attachment to her name, thank you. Bros asked me to take Evelyn's number and pass on to Cosmos. He wanted us to take care of any of her needs and treat her like we would him.
I met Cosmos later on and noticed a fleeting frown on Cosmos' face as he stored her number. I was way too tipsy to trust my own senses anyways so I let it fly.

On the way home, Cos was really quiet and I had to ask what was up. 'Nothing' he said.
My phone rang at about 2am, 'damn midnight calls', I muttered as I cursed beneath my breath.
'what if bros 'E' is making a mistake?'
'pardon? Cosmos what are you on about?'
'what if bros 'E' is making a mistake? What if Evelyn is not the one '
'Look Cos, you need to go to bed. I expect you to be happy for bros and not dreaming up some nonsense. I hung up the phone. This Cosmos can be annoying sometimes sha.
5am, a persistent car horn woke me up. I looked down from my room window in the PG hall-it was Cosmos. 'Ol boy, you well so? It's effing 5am!'. 'Sorry man, but I can't sleep. I need to talk to you. I'm dead serious'.
I slipped into my robe and went to sit in his car.
Turns out Cos had Evelyn's number saved under his 'Escort group'- girls from all walks who get called up and referred from man to man, friend to friend under the direction of a pimp. I refused to believe that 'angel' I met could be a call girl.
'Cos, this is big!'
'Evelyn na ashawo; codenamed 'Eve'. AND she comes highly recommended too-that's why I saved her number'. Often the girls would hand out their numbers to satisfied clients in a bid to cut off the pimp's share for a future date.

How do we prove this without sounding like jealous idiots? How can we best save our dear bros from this? If we talk-wahala. If we no talk - na katakata.

We parted ways with a charge to find a good plot to expose this imposter to dear bros Emeka. Later that afternoon we met again to finalize plans. Cos made the call and the trap was in place.

Cosmos called bros 'E' and after congratulating him on Evelyn told him that there is this chic he had been with for a while too and would want bros E to meet later that week. A date was fixed-bros E would tell Evelyn told not to show that day but the next, thus freeing her up. Next we made a trip to the pimp's and looked through his albums for the one named 'Eve'. It was our dear Evelyn true true in an effing sexy pose. 'I'm going to love this' said Cos rubbing his hands together. I smacked the stupid boy on the head. We wanted her for Thursday night. Pimp master asked if she was to 'service' us both. Surprised i stammered ' she does that too?!' ' Sure, this is one of my top girls, kinky sex is her forte; how would you want it , anal, oral, toys, name it... But it'll cost you. We ordered the 'full bouquet'. Pimp Master gave his assurances.

Thursday, De Ritz Hotel, we drove in with bros E. When bros E asked why an hotel, Cos dismissed it casually saying 'bros, you know me now; effizy must follow'. We all laughed. drinks were ordered while we waited for Eve. Cos mentioned that he hadn't told his babe that she was meeting his older brother; it was meant to be a surprise you bros E will wait in the bedroom till we knock on the door.
Ten minutes to D-time, bros E and I moved into the bedroom, he couldn't help giggling. You boys have really grown o. We laughed. I shut the door.

A subtle conspiratory knock on the main door and in walked Eve looking even more delicious than before. Cos did not waste time in undressing her and sucking hard on her erect nipples while she moaned loudly.
On hearing the moan, I excused myself from bros and skittered out to hear Eve ask where the other person was. Cos had her back to me. I took her from behind, I inhaled her hair smell deeply while running my fingers round her pubic. I inserted a finger there and felt the silky wetness. She moaned again without so mush as opening her eyes. Cos gently led her to the sofa while I continued to knead that butt. We had her kneel on the sofa while he went behind the sofa and she took his hardness in her mouth and was slurping away. I eased up her short dress and eased out my thing. Slipped on a sheath and entered that pinkiness from behind. I rammed into her mercilessly and her stiffled groans turned me on extra. I was so so excited from the whole play, the thought of bros E in the next room with African magic, the thick phat ass of his babe gliding over my member, her soft low moans as she sucked Cos and rammed back into me in perfect sync was too much. I came in an explosion of grunts and shivered out my last drops while squeezing her boobs hard. I noticed Cos with his head thrown back broaching nirvana too.

While they concluded their final lap, I pulled up my pants, wiped some sweat and went to get bros E

He could not believe it. There was Evelyn, his angel, sucking his younger brother's phallus.

"EVE!!! What are you doing with my brother's wee-wee?!"

'wee-wee?' this bros has got to be kidding me. If not for the all round bad situation, I for laugh till I orgasm again.

Without leaving her 'suck toy', she turned her glazed eyes to see bros E and upon recognition, hurriedly withdrew her mouth. This action made a sucking sound that made bros E shiver. He continued shivering in a spot and. I saw the blood drain from his face. I ran to him and helped him to a seat. He never took his eyes off Eve/ Evelyn.
Bros, we present to you 'Evil Eve'.
Of course he didn't marry her. He went back to Germany and came back 2 years later with a white wife.
Did he forgive them? Of course, they were his boys now and saved him from a lifelong error. (of course, they had our own trip. And for free too)
They however, had to go to the pimp and explain that the girl was apparently seeing their bros who they were organising her for; only for them to make the discovery in the heat of passion and she couldn't deliver on the full service ordered.The 10%pimp down payment was lost. But after all considered, it was the freaking bestest cheapest 'service' ever.

Cos is now married with children. And the story teller was a taximan I hired for a day trip.


Friday, June 18, 2010


Up Super Chickens!

Was the Kaita guy wrong? Should he be vilified etc etc...Well, I really dont care much about that.
I just appreciate the work that has gone into this (Did I hear you say 'bored souls', *chuckle*)


KAITA (Kai-ta)
v. Kai*ta, Kai*tas, kai*ta'ed, kai*ta'ing

1. To single-handedly dash the hopes and aspirations of one's nation in the full glare of other nations
2. To karate-kick your way out of the greatest stage/spotlight ever known to man
3. To destroy/zap/ siphon the energies of team mates plus 140 million people through unexplainable stupidity
4. To act foolishly, unintelligently or irrationally and IMMEDIATELY regret the action by falling on your knees

(Etymology: Derived from the dreadful match between Nigeria and lowly Greece at the 2010 Soccer World Cup)


"Please, please, do not KAITA what we have been building for 50 years o! Oloshi!"

"I don't care what people say, I will KAITA the multi-billion dollar plan!"

"That man, you know, the hopeless, useless, visionless, KAITAing guy!"

"I was KAITAing until I met Jesus!"


1. Sabotage
2. Incapacitate
3. Destroy/Demobilize
4. Jeopardize
5. Impair
6. Implode
7. Shege Banza!


KAITA (Kai-ta)
n. Kai*ta

A term that describes a temporary but kaitastrophic loss of mental competency and faculty.
See also Instant Amnesia.
(Source: davidylan)

KAITAISIS (Kai-ta-i-sis)
n. Kai*ta*i*sis

1. A new mental sickness recently discovered by Neurosurgeons. It affects the victim's ability to think right or make right judgement especially when it matters most.

2. Victims often confuse the game of soccer for a karate session. Its derived from the new word KAITA
(Source: tlops)

KAITARIZATION (Kai-ta-ri-za- tion)
n. Kai*ta*ri*za* shen

Kaitarization is the act of being turned into a useless mongol OR a Shaolin Temple soccer player.
(Source: chichi234 & colomb)

KAITA-KAITA (Kai-ta-kai- ta)
n. Kai*ta*kai*ta

Kaita-Kaita means unprecedented confusion and unimaginable pandemonium
Usage: "Kaita-kaita don burst!"
(Source: lizzybabe1)

KAITA (Kai-ta)
n. Kai*ta

A highly explosive bomb needed more in Iraq than in Nigeria
Usage: "Allied Forces just dropped the K-Bomb! Yes! The Kaita! Ladies and gentlemen, the war is over!!!"
(Source: ActiveMan)

KAITARACT (Kai-ta-ra-ct)
n. Kai*ta*ra*kt

A one-of-a-kind eye defect that makes a soccer player see another player as a Jabulani Ball to be kicked
Usage: "Pity, he suffered from a sudden chronic case of Kaitaract"

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Meanwhile I have a bone to pick with those folks at naija blog awards...THEY WOULDNT LET ME VOTE FOR ALL MY PEEPS AT ONCE!!! For everyone who won…kudos. Those who didn’t. Who cares? WE made them winners right?
Man! Have I missed you fellas or what? Why haven’t I kept in touch? I wish I could blame it on the dog but I don’t have. Have I said how much I've missed you guys?
I told meself today “ol boy, bera say something on blogger before those good folks start confirming their suspicion that you be ‘wowoh’ person o”,and I replied “ ol boy, na true o…”. So I've been trying to decide what to post as my "resurrection entry" but couldn’t quite decide so I've chosen to just make this my "ABEG, NO VEX" post.
A part of it I blame on my new work, a part on despicable internet services and a huge chunk on my Blackberry Post paid service. That BB Chat ish is IVIIIIL, I tell ya. It did keep me company during a lotta stuff, though. 
Okay so I was saying I have plenty gist for una. I’ve been to so many places and met so so many people with their different tales and issues that I’m practically bursting with gist. Problem now is getting a blog writer app for my Blackberry *sigh*
Anyways, to everyone who checked up on Mancee, thank you. For those who didn’ were just about to, shay? It’s all luv and I 'gbadun' all of una, DIE.
Meanwhilly, BRACE YOURSELVES, I'm back and shall be all over una blogs soon enough. Be afraid. Be veeery afraid.
Mancee is badder than ever , lol. (I wish)

Emancipation from the bondage of the soil is no freedom for the tree.
-Rabindranath Tagore

Monday, March 22, 2010

Throwing Blames

A Guy is sitting outside his home after a bitter divorce & notices a crate of Beer bottles.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into d wall swearing, 'U are d reason I don't have a Wife'.

Smashes 2nd Bottle 'U are d reason I don't have my children'.

Smashes 3rd Bottle, 'U are d reason I don't have a Job". Notices 4th Bottle is sealed & still full of Beer..

"Stand aside my friend. I know U were not involved''


Monday, February 8, 2010


I long to cease to cringe when I hear the word 'LOVE'
I long to once more believe in it's purity

I long to be able to look at a female again and say 'I love you'
I long for the day when that female will not just be my daughter
I long to snuggle with a female
I long to drift off to sleep, with a smile on my face, holding a female
I long to feel that female's warmth as she nests in the cranny formed
by my body
I long to wake up to a smile
I long for that smile to be on a female's head nestled on my chest
I long to stroke that face as it sleeps; gently rising and falling
with my breathing
I long to see that face wake, smile some more, reach up and kiss me on
the lips saying 'Good morning darling'.
I long to look in those eyes and see 'love'. Whatever it means.

I long to start to warm up inside when I hear the word 'LOVE'-once more
I long to once more believe in it's purity.

-Mancee (07feb2010)

Friday, January 29, 2010


'Oh! Mancee you are not going anywhere are you?' Asked my Superintendent.
Was he kidding me? An opportunity to see my ogas make a grand fool of themselves? I sure am not missing this for anything. Lol. I was positively brimming with excitement- so were the other spectators.

Novelty match between superintendents. Woohoo! Normally I wouldn't attend such events but a friend was made the referee though she didn't even know the rules-so I had to accompany her to run her through her expected duties and the need to work through her linesmen, blah blah blah. My superintendent saw me and I got to hold his glasses and keys.

The GM took the first shot, with two female superintendents keeping the goal posts.
'Pppreeew!', my pseudo-referee friend blew her whistle and 'chuku, chuku, chuku…' they were off...! See their legs fluttering on the pitch, I wan die.

Before you could say 'na wah o', one of my supts was rolling along ground with the ball- an uproar went up in the crowd. See laughter...of course I hid my face to laugh. There was an 'ali-baba' moment when two supts on the same side collided with their pot- bellies. Laff wan kill me die, it was all I could do not to roll on the floor as I temporarily lost control of my motor skills from laff-paralysis. 10 mins later, 10 sweaty supts later half time ended.

Second half was just as hilarious. My tummy muscles ached from the laughter so much I had to squat. A certain Superintendent dribbled some others and scored, there was an uproar. When the GM learnt that the guy plays ball normally, he disqualified the goal and gave him a red card. Lol. Of course he’s not the referee.

All in all, it ended a “goaless draw”-like one of our community labor guys later commented. I had fun and so did a lotta people.

I can only conclude one thing- the 'inventor' of novelty matches was a dis-gruntled employee for whom visualizing his employers naked no longer met his vengeance needs. But ma'am! We have him/her to thank for one of the best laughs in our corporate year.

Ps: A fulfilling new year to you all.