Monday, December 28, 2009


In an ideal world,
I'd meet her somewhere, somehow, some place
Someone might introduce us
I might notice first and make the move or vice versa
in this here world it would not matter

I'd ask her out
maybe she'll form a bit, maybe not,
maybe we'd hit it off right away
maybe it'll take some time
but we'd finally be together

We would date for a while
and I'll pop out a ring at a dinner date
and on my knees, I'd ask her to marry me
While the joint's band played 'Will you marry me'on cue

She would gleefully scream "YES"
and kiss me like life depended on it

We would marry in a quiet serene place
dressed in white before a hundred gaze
We'd honeymoon somewhere within our means
and the place would be exotic cos we are in

Honey moon
-hunt for the treasure
we'd fumble our way to knowledge and pleasure

We would have two delightful kids
A pretty princess first
and a dark dude to have her back

we would have our lil fights
but they'll never grow
We wouldn't talk about rights
And only selflessness would we sow
Always putting "US" first with our mights

She would say something crazy like
'My husband is always right'
And I'll do something utterly mad like
Doing my utmost to measure to this height
Though the human pecadillo in me strikes
or vice versa

She would say something stupid like
'I will love you forever'
And I'll say something idiotic like
'God knows I dont deserve you ever'

We would kiss and make up
make up sex will not be strange to us

I would work my behind off
to get comfort for her and The Littles
She'd take care of us all
never a button loose, never a tummy unfilled
A tidy nest to grow for us all

In an ideal world
we'd do our 75 years anniversary
amidst great, grand and children children
We would watch them all grow with smiles
re-telling how our life has been together

In an ideal world
it wouldnt matter who went before the other
The one would follow the other anyways-
grateful to God to have found
A near-perfect spouse in each other

All in an ideal world.
All in an ideal world



If you can, look beyond the commerce reason for the season. I wish most sincerely that your hearts be merry. Mine is...

Monday, December 21, 2009


They say its 'urbanisation'
-The streets are wider now
But no spaces for the donkeys
The playgrounds are disappearing
And the trees give way to concrete...


Saturday, December 12, 2009


(...from the archives, from waaay back)

So you have a boss, so do I (sadly)
Maybe yours is cool and good. Mine is cool...we were saying?
Tunji my ogre, sorry ogre, sorry I meant OGA is a cool guy if you arent working with him/ for him.
From afar ...He's da bomb
Nearby...He'll blow in your face (literarily)
So you wish you could kill yours?
Well today, he's giving me the "Brass Balls Thump" (highest grade of raking) and all of a sudden, out of the clouds, I picked a lance and showed the lancelot part of me. Yep! I did him in.
I was going to start singing some cannibal/freedom song or the other when someone prodded me 'Bros, you've got ink all over your hand...everything okay?"

Not yet was a drawing of him I had drawn sometime ago...okay a stick figure of him.
I looked down at the picture, it grinned back at me, through the blob of red ink, with its horns and trident-holding three fingered hand... want to kill your boss at about now?
I did mine in , once, on paper.
No its not okay..I just killed. AND I like it.

Saturday, December 5, 2009


I met her at a business dinner. She had accompanied one of the other guys to the chinese restaurant meeting. I thought 'Hmmm...impressive'; bringing your girlfriend to a business dinner.
Typically, I'm being civil to her and soon noticed that I seem to be giving her more attention than her man.
'Typical...', I thought with some measure of arrogance, 'some fellas just have bad manners'.

I got to gist wih her some more when the boys went off to watch an english team pound another; she was an interesting conversationalist. Rather engaging I must say.
Sometime that night, I ask how long they'd been together since I only just met George; she laughed rather curiously and asked ' mean...?', and another short laugh.

"You honestly didn't know? Then why have you been given me so much attention all night? I thought..."

I looked bewildered.
She paused for a while and looked at me incredulously.

She reached for a pen and some serviette, scribbled for some time-almost with a child-like air and handed me the paper with some slight measure of embarrassment-not before asking to promise not to say anything to George about our gist...(!?)
I couldn't believe my eyes...

Fadeke is a whore.
Or her favorite..."Hustler"!

Go figure; what are the odds?

Monday, November 23, 2009


Look inside you
The universe was spoken with a word
That word still lives on in the essence of men, animals, plants, trees etc
The answers we seek are inside us
From the beginning of time
They have always been there
But we would often run from them
And HOPE to find other 'truths'
Something other than reality
We fool our own selves!
And we do it time and time and time infinitum
Look inside
Those who look inside awake
That is where the essence of the Omni Scient is
Deposited from eons ago
The Intelligent Design that made the resides in you
And around in awareness


Saturday, November 14, 2009


"The guy I marry must be a hard guy, a real man; who'll even beat me well if I mis-behave sef"

I'm sitting across the table, where my inner jaw had dropped to the floor, looking at the fair complexioned 25yr old, slim, frail looking, slow speeched beauty. I looked at the guy next to me and he's chuckling. Some other female in the group nods to this and I was all the more bewildered.

I brought up the matter in the office, and got a lot of afirmative stories of women who'd rather be beaten up than not!
A pastor tells of a couple who always had issues till the wife opened up that she wanted to see if the guy could be 'man enough' to beat her. Needless to say, twas their last counselling; apparently, bros started living up to expectations(!).
A married female colleague said maybe not outright beating, but he should shout her down sometimes, saying 'You know we Benin women can be domineering...'

I say okay, how about the females who don't know they want to be beaten up but just keep manufacturing headache for their males?!
Or, how about the male who just can't think of hitting anyone, has sworn never to raise his hand against any female. Any hope of him finding happiness if he's stuck with such a woman who NEEDS beating to re-calibrate?!

How long can/should you keep beating up a grown adult to keep her in line?
How about children who grow in these kinda families? Won't they maintain the same sadomasochism mindset?

But wait a while...the relationships I've enjoyed the most were the ones where most times I was too distracted and seemed like I didn't care. The ones I really gave all to, seemed to fizzle quickly and painfully.
Worrisome trend is that I have noticed this since my primary school days; the girls flock after the bully, the jerk and the guy who 'no send'!

BUT, MY PARENTS NEVER EXCHANGED WORDS not to talk of fight. Ever. Wouldn't even let my bro and I beat up each other. 'who did U learn that from?' They'd ask.
It would appear that no more does being a driven, sensitive, well built, normal looking, well spoken, God-aware, 'rich' guy cut it, you need to add 'pugilist' to the resume before you can hold down a woman in this generation.

Am I going mad or I need to just get off my high horses and go beat up the next fine chic I see on the street...

Friday, October 30, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5d)

**Long Post Alert**

These are my rules of engagement

"I NEVER mess with free will." Only what you truly want for yourself by yourself is sustainable.

Right or wrong? I say 'Do whatever pleases you-as long as you don't hurt anyone without their permission'

"I will never hurt you without ur permission, neither will I let you hurt me without my permisssion

'Sir, sorry to interrupt you but I beg to differ. I don't believe anyone of us is in a position to say Maureen's choices are wrong or right. The important thing here is to ask her what she wants. If a grown person her age has to apologise for her choices out of courtesy then she might as well apologize for being alive as our choices are what define us. Which is where I come in, NOBODY should ever have to apologize for being alive. Nobody'.

Maureen's uncle was dazed. I had been silent all the while they bashed her and now I was seemingly defending her. He had asked what the problem was and I had said there was none. This was just two adults making up their minds about a way forward for their lives... And the man had gone off ranting about wifely roles and responsibilities...
I withdrew into myself and ruminated on the events of the 2 years of marital bruhaha...

Wedding eve. Pastor asks us what's on our mind. She says the event of the morrow. I say I'm anxious-about her capacity to hold on to negatives and keep malice.

4 days later.HONEYMOON. Saga of the two tumblers. Wifey accusses me of leaving 2 used glass cups for her to wash! Makes a big issue out of it! (yes, she's heard about hotels and room service). I failed to understand what the issue was-seeing we could call Housekeeping for new cups-but I guess there was a lesson to be taught 'Mancee, house work is a no go'.
After that, I clowned, sang, flipped, stood on my head, begged but she won't talk to me again till we left. End of honeymoon.
Her uncle had to Wade in before she loosened up...days later. apres honeymoon.
(which action? of course there was no action...!)

I ask for a joint account to be administered by her- I give 70% of my take home, she 30% of hers. My salary was almost double hers. She refused saying she can't put her money into running the house or any investment-as it was my job. OK.

Months later, I'm offered a juicy real estate on the outskirts of town, staggered payment. It was a no brainer- but I wanted to do this right. I asked wifey's opinion. She says no, its too far for us. So I turned it down out of respect for her. 2 months later she calls me up to help her make an installmental payment as she couldn't get away from work-she'll reimburse me later. I found out later that she had gone ahead to buy land in the same vicinity for a higher sum and never
told me about it! WONDERFUL!!!

Oh! The fights, the arguements-were harrowing. Debating with her isn't fun- chic takes things too personal. You'd hear her ranting and shouting on me. "Maureen, don't shout on me. I don't shout on you neither have you ever heard me shout on anyone before. Gimme that respect and don't shout on me". For where?! Lol

Have I mentioned the many people from Uni I ran into at weddings and occasions who on learning who I married would laugh (I'm serious) and say somethin like 'men! I wish you well o','I never believed anyone could marry that girl o' etc. One even referred me to Shakespeare's 'To tame a shrew'. I couldn't fight or bicker as I was battling those same things back home.

She once told me she was waiting for me to go have an affair so she can have a Christian ground to divorce me. I couldnt (still don't) understand why she'd say that.

Oh! The sex?! It was phenomenal.
We did it total of like 10 times (ok, let's be generous and say a dozen times) all in the first year. None in the 2nd. Bear in mind, yours truly never had sex before marriage.( Though I was just a technical virgin, I still have rights. Shay?)

Once I had pain urinating. My doctor brother recommended some tests which showed I had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). The pharmacist asked me to go bring the wife, and girl friend. I laughed it off (with pain in my heart).
Do I think she cheated? Dunno, but I'd rather attribute it to her very unimpressive personal hygiene. I bought 2 sets of drugs, for each of us, she refuses, arguing typically)that she had no infection. A month later I had to rush her to the hospital late at night from intense kidney pains,s tayed by her side all through the next day; missed my business flights and had to reschedule my many meetings till another fortnight and cancel some. Afteral family was first.
Why wasn't I re-infected? D'uh! WE DONT DO SEX,that's why.

She said she was a virgin before we married. I had to ask her for confirmation 8months after we married. Just for the knowledge. Between her and me. She flared up and called her father (!) saying I was accussing her of infidelity. LWKMD.

I never hear.

I remember her mum shouting on me "'mancee, your wife is a good girl, you married her as a virgin".
"Mummy, if anyone should be telling the other, I should be telling you; NOT you me". Abi?

I remember the intense sadness when she told me she was pregnant. This was definitely not my life was planned. The angst was too much, but I continued hoping for the best

I ask her to travel to the west to deliver and give baby a second nationality. She fights me on refusing to let us travel to study yet asking her to give baby a second citizenship.Hmmm. She refused to go o.

I remember with a shudder, when she fought me to take my car. Of course, I gave her the car. Afteral She was more important to me than the car.

Oh yeah! You should see our flat. Constantly a mess. I'd come back from my trips and spend the first week cleaning and arranging and ask her to please at least maintain the order. For where?! Househelp? In those days of being under fire from madam and the 'no talk, no sex, no food' sanctions? I was deathly afraid of 'doing' the help in a moment of temporary weakness o-a man can only be 'strong' for so long. Didnt want that on my records.Mba.

Can't count the counselling session! After a while, they became an obvious waste of time. The different people kept saying the same stuffs and wifey refused to bulge.

I used to be afraid to come home from my many trips. I'd wait and take the last flights back to Lagos. Lol. "The fear of Maureen's wrath was the beginning of longevity".

Each new year we were together, I'd pressure her for her growth points for the year and I'd support them. Every professional exam she did which her company didn't pay for, I made sure I did...and rooted for her all the way.

In all of these, I NEVER mentioned our travails to my parents. I kept believing it'll soon be over and we'd be happy. Didn't want anyone hating her unnecessarily-but I made sure her parents knew. I said to myself 'she'd listen to them'.

It all sounds like a nollywood excerpt Shay? Well, I lived it for real.

Oh! There was this one week of bliss. End of that week, I thanked her for the best one week of my life yet. She said she didn't expect it to last- true to her prophesy, the showdown resumed that night!

Wifey stopped cooking months after we married. When she does, na indomie. Standard. People get pot bellies after marriage. I got an ulcer.

I had 2 washing machines in the flat plus a washaman on retainership (who I had had for 3yrs before marrying her), maureen pursued the guy (he was too expensive) and in our years together, my only item of clothing she washed was a boxers lost amongst her clothes.

She was uncomfortable with my relationship with my friends, so, I 'stylishly' withdrew from them. Little did I know that my friends also noticed and all agreed to give me space if it'll make my marriage work. Well it didn't-please come back y'all *sob*

One can only run a marriage on UNWARRANTED OPTIMISM thus far.

Then the historic day when she told me 'I can never be the wife who cooks and cleans'. It finally dawned on me; my sweetheart had always known the way of the married woman all these while but had chosen to have nothing to do with them.

I agonized for a whole month on the findings. I could no longer deny it; it was obvious what the alternatives were. I called her, "Maureen, I think a separation will be in order..."

I went to my father, apologized for not telling him about all of this since and told him my decision "Daddy, I am not asking for your permission, I'm now tell you for your information and out of respect"

Of course , knowing her. I told everyone that I was the bad guy. I was the one who left. I KNEW she would slander me big time anyways.(She did) "whatever Maureen says I did or not, so it is". I really had lil tummy for 'He says, She says'. It wasn't a contest to be won.

So I moved out, paid 2 yrs rent on the apartment and left everything to her except my laptop and some clothes. I emptied my account to furnish my new nest and travel the world in an attempt to numb the pain till my
brother stopped me. Lol.

If there is a phrase to describe those 2+ years we were together, it'll be EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Ps: I miss my daughter. *sigh*
I was there for ALL the prenatal classes. The nurses would tease me endlessly *chuckle*. Was VERY involved with the carrying, singing, feeding, daiper change and (oh!)the colic too.

I often wonder what I could have done differently - aside becoming a
puppet like her dad to her mum. The only workable alternative is to
not have married in the first, at least not her. Of cos I WAS angry at

Do I regret it? NO! No room for regrets in my life. Will I do it again
if I could? NEVER.
So now I try to heal while I await the legal time lapse before a
divorce is concluded.

Sure, I feel used. But is she a bad person? No (maybe a bitch, lol). I gave her the permission to hurt me by agreeing to marry her. I only wish she had told me what her choice of a wife was, we could have agreed from the onset that I couldn't be the sort of husband who could live with that.

Ah well...(c'est la vie). I have indeed achieved a whole lot...and all before I'm even 30years. lol.

pps:Is there a phrase like "Elder Bachelor?"

Sent from my iPhone3GS

Friday, October 16, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5c)


If I pay attention to them
I will remain
Stunted in growth, stagnant and stale
I will not be all I'm made to be...

If I pay attention to the foibles
and flaws
I will not grow...
I will not advance

And I so desperately need to grow
to realize my potentials fully
for I am a person too
distinct, smart, gifted and great.

I am a person too...
i must not allow myself to be swallowed up
in conceptions and expectations
in ordinariness and averageness...

I am a person too; unique and great
with the power to be the bigger person
i must not allow myself to be swallowed up
in the myth of "the missus"

...Maureen Mancee (Mrs.)

XX Editor's note XX

The poem above was written and displayed by the delightful MMM for the benefit of a certain Mr Mancee (MM).

Research has it that it was written after a battery of counselling sessions when the multitude of counsellors seemed intent on getting said Author to be more 'wifely'. They are reported as seemingly arriving at the same conclusion after listening to either side and often had this to say, "Maureen, you need to pay attention to your home and your husband".

MMM, a "Social Non-conformist" (as she calls herself) did not find this a workable option.

MM was to have an eureka moment some years later when it became obvious that no one had asked MMM what she 'wanted' to be, as opposed to what she was 'expected' to be.
The said epiphany was spawned when MMM called MM and said (verbatim) 'I can never be the wife who cooks and cleans'.

Report reaching us has it that He has since been defending her position vehemently, demanding that everyone who cares to listen respect her choice/decision; asking for only one thing in return; the right to choose to be who he also wants to be.

Monday, October 12, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5b)


In this life we share together
Per time and from time to time
One or both of us may want out...
Drown the sun in our personal miseries and daemons.
All the rain and all the pain
I hope its for the good
It is revealed we could be together for ever
And I'm ready to make that move
Cross that line with you with me
We could put some joy in each other's tears
The sun shines laughter when we live as one
And there's peace for those who believe in love
Lets go for Ours
Because dreams come true

though we often do dream in metaphors

 and dreams ( sometimes unreliable souls, I agree)
they show us the paths of our longings...

All I ever longed for was some love and peace and harmony

To dance in the raw in the sun underneath the stars


I want you to trust me
Trust my wisdom and my directions
Trust my idiotic stupidities too
Trust my head to wander often like a tramp
Trust my heart to always bring me home
Trust me to never cease from seeking greatness
And my heart to find it all lies in you
With you is what my life is about 
I am not afraid to love
I pray the distance gives my pain sound
In this here world-I will love some more
In front of the eyes of others
I will love you outside and inside me
In that place that's Our private treasure
In this life we share together
Let our individuality strengthen our love

 When I'm asked "Are you truly happy?" I'd say "Yes, truly"
But down here in reality everybody knows there ain't no such thing
And it's clear

It's obvious this here is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is here on earth with You
So I know that I gotta come to you
And I'm ready to make that move
I for one know my search is over
The Spirit bears witness with my spirit
Home for me will always be where you are.
Ps: may I come home? 

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5a)

"I keep going back to my yahoomail,like I'm expecting your next short mail message.
Like my heart is looking for "its lost twin" (lol),
Now I ask myself why I'm doing that.
Like I'm waiting for a miracle or something,
Funny . does it sound funny. I hope not, I hope so.
I dont know sha...but all I want is just to see you again or hear your voice or hold something which I would know, sorry, that my heart would know is from you...from your heart.
I love you Maureen,
Day by day , it dawns on me more and more.
I love you and really it doesnt make sense, this intensity...but should it make sense?
If it does, maybe I wont be able to love you this much, but whatever...
thats the important thing ,,,yeah?
loving you like life depends on it...cause it seems more and more like it does."


It was obvious, all attempts at objective evaluation had become impossible, I liked the woman waay too much. So I prayed to The Almighty, the most gracious , most merciful thanking him for this woman who seems to have all the basics in place, readily acknowledged my growing inability to objectively evaluate the relationship and pleading with Him to step in and scatter the union if it were not right.

Having thus prayed, like the rest of humanity before me and countless after, I relegated my default cognitives to the background, afterall I have prayed. To my credit, I however, did one last objective check...

I've known her since school days. We were not friends, at best acquitances as She was a friend of a friend. Were we to sum up all of the time we chatted in school, it wouldn't be up to an hour. After graduation, we'd bump into each other in chat rooms. I added her to my Yahoo messenger, she would often call my phone out of the blues. I'd promise to call back but never did. She was a regular chat friend on Y! Then one day, I started thinking differently about her.

We arranged a hook up one saturday. She came to see me at the gym on her way to work. I knew she was older by like 11 months but She looked much older and aged than I remembered, her ankara shirt looked like it had seen better days. (I dont consider myself a shallow somebori but I knew that if I had not been impressed by her brilliance before our face to face, it would have been a no show). We talked about this and that and she had to leave. I offered to drive her down but she needed to see someone first.

You see then, I had a plum job and too much money than I intelligently knew how to spend (seriously), moreover it was a demanding job that gave me lil time for socializing. She had this job where they paid her like NGN20 or 25,000 and worked her to the bone. To be able to save NGN5k out of it per month, she dared not miss the staff bus. My colleagues were only interested in chics equally earning fat salaries but I knew the important thing was the stuff inside the person. I knew the major reason I'd want my wife to work was to earn experience, both professionally and in dealing with people, to prevent her from turning into 'Your Friendly Neighbourhood Gossip' and definitely not primarily for what she earned or not. Even if she'll be working for free, I'd rather she worked anyways.

Some fateful day, I asked this woman out.

I mentioned her to my brother whose only concern was "I hope she doesnt have an accent o" (lol). I proudly gave the phone to her; I knew his fears would be laid to rest. ( She isnt from our side of the niger, you see)He took to her like a duck to water.

I bought her a phone then like mine on the same network and it became our "intercomm"-free weekend calls and unlimited sms. We would chat and text for hours. I seriously had her on the brain. Some nine months later, she got a real plum job with serious benefits. I was elated.

Once when I was talking to my friends about her, they all started laughing hysterically. I failed to see the joke. "Mancee, you should hear yourself, you are absolutely ridiculous! We've never heard you talk about a female like this since we've been together from the university. You must really love this woman o etc". I knew I loved her very much. she did always tell she loved me too.

It wasnt all rosy but ... like five months after the asking out, I felt convinced that THIS indeed was the woman for me.

I knew that IF the basics were in sync,and two people want to do someting together, nothing could stand in their way. Moreover, when those two people were practising Believers. The sky was just a starting point. In addition, I had the creator and the whole of creation behind me; watching out for me, afterall i have kept the faith I have stuck to the holy writ, I have played fair, I had not drunk out of another man's cistern. I had kept myself, I had readily let go of others at much personal pain and cost to make sure I stayed on the long, narrow and less used path.

The week I made up my mind to ask her the BIG question, I bought some cards, some candles, and a bouquet of 'faux floeur'; but we had no prolonged moment of peace, though I saw her every day. This went on for two weeks. Then out of the blues "Mancee?", "...yeah?", " shay you know you've not asked me to marry you?".

I sighed, smiled and told her I've wanted to ask her for the past 2 weeks but I couldnt find any moment of prolonged peace to. Anyways, I asked her then; sans 'effizy', sans 'glitz'(-definitely not my plan !).

She said 'yes!'

Saturday, September 26, 2009


"Mancee, Have I lost you? Are you going to leave me? Do you still love me?"
"I love you Rukay, but I can’t go through life constantly watching my back and wondering what next I'll unearth round the next corner..."

So I was going to be away from school for at least 6 months-if ASUU didn’t pull anything funny out of its hat, as it would normally do.

We hugged and I promised to visit as often as I could afford to. I left with her last words ringing in my ears. "Mancee, if tomorrow, you stop loving me, please tell me immediately-don’t keep me guessing". I hugged her and left wondering where
She got the thought from; you see I entered this not even with the notion of "Let’s see how it goes", I was in with no reservations.

I remembered with a smile how on St. Valentines day, she had remarked that I seem to be more excited about the relationship than normal. I wondered what that meant- I guess she expected the famous Mancee to be a bit more aloof. lol.

Where I was in my faraway station, we would find ways of scheduling call times. She would go into the township to wait for my calls...I would queue up faithfully at the NITEL boots to faithfully make my calls to my sweetheart. (Of course this was before gsm phones became affordable for the masses).

Then gist started filtering to me - gist I thought impossible. How can my Lovely babe have such secrets? You see, in the week of our official engagement, knowing in my heart that I wanted to do this right; I had called for a "Tell-It-All" session. I encouraged her to tell me ALL about her past that I wasn’t aware of and I told her ALL of my issues, the good, the bad and the ugly. She did too, or so I thought. I told her her past wasn’t that important to me IF they were indeed her past but that we needed to know everything about each other thus ensuring deeper trust and giving each the choice to decide if he/she could live with those things. No surprises.

It all got to a head however, in the fourth month and I couldn’t intelligently ignore the unsolicited rumors anymore, so I delved into my savings for a trip back to school.

Later that night, I asked her “Rukay, is it true that...?"

After a while, she started crying saying it was true.

My heart broke.

I cried too, 'Why? Rukay why? Why did you hold this from me?’. ‘I’m sorry Mancee, I'm sorry...'. 'Rukay, I told you nothing in your past mattered to me and I so needed to trust you...why Rukay?'

"Mancee, have I lost you? Are you going to leave me? Do you still love me?"

I held her closely "I love you Rukay, but I can’t go through life constantly watching my back and wondering what next I'll unearth round the next corner...I'm sorry but I just cant. I sooo need trust and openness in any relationship.

'Mancee', she said in between sobs. 'If you don’t leave me, I promise I'll love you forever...'. My heart wept, more than my tear-macerated eyes could un-dam. But I knew I couldn’t go on...I just couldn’t...

I left next day for my station-convincing myself that it was for the best...afterall, trust was so not negotiable. I made her a promise though, that were she to hear the true gist from anywhere else, she can be sure it did not come from Mancee. That was a promise she could trust and take to the bank. And I kept it too. After all, friends keep each other's secrets. Innit?

My friends were worried about me though, seeing that when I finally did decide to foray into a real relationship I had to meet with this obstacle which I wouldn’t talk about...

My dear Rukay is since married with a kid. Of course we are still friends, of course I was invited to the wedding and of course I was there with pictures to prove it.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

***interlude*| "TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE" ***interlude*

For every tear I say
is laughter unbirthed

For every sigh breathed
Is a hundred smiles aborted

For every kiss given
is a thousand more to be recieved

In every hope of finding smiles
Must be greater faith of finding

I daresay, if I may, the judgement day
Should be on what love was left to waste

Which friendship we left to fade
Which kisses were left to fate
And fail rather than pursued with utmost faith

So theres the heartbreak that may come
But though the heartbreak is possible
Even more so is the heart being fulfilled

"Walk away my heart", you say?
To tow the safe lonely way

But how often do we want for joy
Just because we let go of life's buoy

when we could stand so deep in joy
and with joy dish out love to all


Sunday, September 6, 2009


We were introduced in our fresh man years
I often called her my sister
lets call her 'Roku'
I now call her the best girlfriend I never had...

We were in the same faculty and shared a few courses. She was a pretty girl who had more than her fair share of baby fat-for which I teased her endlessly. Whenever I teased her about something (which was quite a lot), she would promptly smack me on the upper arm and look straight ahead like nothing happened. If my teasing was especially gritty, she would say (after the smacking) 'I hate you', to which I would reply ' I love you too'.

Most of my uni days, I had very little interest in going out with anyone but I was always with plenty females (for which a lotta folks could swear Mancee had more game than I could ever hope to have in ten different lifes). I did make it a point of duty to point out to all my female friends exactly what we had-just friendship. Of them all, Roku was the one I enjoyed spending time with the most.

I really did enjoy being with her. When we were on holidays, I'd go to her house to hang out. she'd write down some of the hilarious stuffs that happened while we were apart and share with me, I'd also recount mine. I was quite friendly with her mum and of cos younger brothers. I had even met her father who rarely showed face to her friends. When I wrote my short stories and poems back then, guess who I gave them to to read first. Yep! Roku. Of our group then, were I to say something witty, she I could bet on, would 'get it' and vice versa. She was the first person to ever describe me laughing. *chuckle*.

It was her I'd share my voyages of mis-chief with first. Oh, practical jokes? (these were many, not a few) Roku was first choice- of course some were on her. Most of the stuff I enjoyed with her was just like I did with my sisters thus she earned the title of 'my sister'. In class, we would often 'chat' on pages of foolscap folded in two- I'd write and pass to her, she to me etc etc etc. We'd make fun of lecturers, ourselves, the weather...anything. Some of those transcripts were so funny, I developed the gist and used them in some of my Event-MC roles.

Once when I gave her a poem for criticism, she said "Mancee, you write very well, why dont you collect these writings...?". Of course, I did scoff at the idea but got a notebok and started collecting nonetheless.

I always had her back. Was always asking after her and what her CGPA was. This was one of the sources of our few quarrels. I was convinced that she was waay to bright for the academic performance band she was on and she was convinced that I was being an "Over-expecter". Lol

Dont get me wrong, i wasnt exactly a swot-contrary to popular belief- I mean I always crashed for all of my exams. Just couldnt stick that consistent reading model. I would ask her to make the effort to study a tiny bit more than she was doing. NO! If she wasnt in choir practice, one church service or the other, she was reading a best seller. once in our first year, during my scheduled overnight crashing time for a test next morning, I found out that she couldnt answer the basic calculation questions!!! I spent the night running through the course with her. Needless to say, we both failed the test and THAT was the last time we studied together. *chuckle*.

More often than not, there were many guys per time asking for her hand. from Church Head to Club Chief- This got to a head in our part three when I feared she may balk under the pressure and just give in to some random guy. I felt a great need to do something about it-afterall she was my sister. So I called a rendezvous, just the two of us. She came looking absolutely smashing in a flowing ankara gown. I still remember her blushing face when I commended her getup. She came looking too dressed up for a casual meet so I felt a need to 'set things straight', so I started my gist with 'Roku, you are a good woman and would make a good wife for somebody someday but not me..." and went on to the main body of my gist. She didnt 'gree' for anyone of the guys.

Two years later in our part five and one offical girlfriend later, I was to ask for Roku's hand. Somewhere during the years since our famous talk, it did dawn on me that I was in love with Roku. That in fact, I had always been in love with her without recognising it!. I feared that she may refuse me and that it might split our group in twain, so I checked with my guys first and they all wondered why the two of us never got together since. The females felt same way too...So I sprung the question on Roku.

She was surprised and didnt try to hide it. She started avoiding me and once when I asked for feedback, she asked for 'more time'. Then came my birthday party and Roku was all over the place; shopping, coordinating, cooking, serving. Everone had started teasing us as 'Husband and wife'. lol. I liked it-surprisingly.

Two months later, I called for a 'sit-down'. I wanted an official answer-no assumptions. She reminded me of our part3 meeting and my opening line. I remembered, of course-*sigh*. She told me that back then, she was so so in love with me it sucked. Each day, she would expect me to 'say something', but I never did. Then came our lil chat, after which she started telling herself that I just dont love her like that, that she was just like a sister to me. Now over two years later, just when she was finally ridding herself of the last flakes of such emotions for me, I'm asking her to rewind again. She said she had tried but just cant seem to be able to get beyond the 2-year long daily programming.

Thus ended our love affair before it even began. Maybe I could have insisted, maybe I could have persisted. we'll never know.

Saddest part of it all was that it did split our group. Everyone against her, asking 'whats wrong with her sef!'. I had to start pleading for no one to hold it against her, but to blame me-for being older than my age.

Roku is now married. Of course she demanded I come to her wedding. Of course I was there-with pictures to prove it. Of course I looked for her mum my friend and hugged her-didn't realise I had missed the woman that much. *chuckle*.

Heard she gave birth a couple of months ago (I really should call her)-I only hope the dude knows how special she is. Funny enough, my mind finds it hard to remember her new surname. lol.

This here is to you Rokus, best girlfriend I never had. Cheers.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


...For E-Babay. From the archives. Twas untitled. Cant think of a suitable title now...maybe you can help... :-)

"I awoke today missing you
I saw you
I touched your pretty face
Ran my fingers through your silky hair
I looked into your smiling eyes
I saw love gazing back at me
Scent of your hair assailed me
And longing welled up within me
I desired to hold you close
I ceased to be content with the rays
I wanted to live in your glow
I asked for more of the warmth
But when I reached out to draw you
I clasped only flimsy air
Just air,
The clouds grew dark and lonesome
The sun was suddenly gone on vacation
To some wonder island awaiting us.
Cumulus, in unison with my heart
Cried like never before today
For we are drifting-most lonesome
Knowing company is faraway across the niger"


Friday, August 28, 2009


Sorry peeps, this is waaay overdue. I apologize. Thank you.

No. She wasn’t the finest person I had seen. Nor was she the most eloquent. She wasnt the nicest, funniest, most fun, religious person ever. On a lot of levels she was pretty average. But she was a woman who found a way to love me at my most unlovable (I think) and did with all of herself.

E-babay, like I fondly called her was just a phenomenon in herself, all by herself. She had this absolute adoration of me that often worried me till I got used to it and learnt to actually appreciate it. If Mancee said so, so it was or not. Mancee is never wrong. Sometimes I'm amazed at the absolute lack of guile in that woman. No she wasn’t a naive person by any inch; infact she had gone through quite a rough patch in life but had somehow come through it all with her head held mostly high. She was one of those people I'd willingly celebrate; people who recognise the pain in the world, have had more than their fair share of it and inspite of it all still choose to be smilers. For me these are the true unsung heroes.

You must understand that this was during my youth service, a time of intense smoldering anger for me against a lot of things too numerous to mention. A period when I was trying to make my own way and define myself without recourse to my parents for financial help. Needless to say, I suffered not a few, though I was damn too proud to admit it to anyone. There were many adays when I'd go without some meals and I re-discovered the 'beauty' of sliced bread and mayonnaise...Oh I forgot, You were not there in the beginning....

I was president of our Community Development (CD) group in the state. Her set was the one after mine and I had the task of showing them the ropes on camp. I took it further by ensuring that they all got settled well in the state before they have to make their own way. Of course, by then I had quite a network breadth and depth amidst the NYSC community and I leveraged on this extensively to get relatively good placements for each of my members and accommodation when they left camp on passing out day.

"So people, as your president, everyone's accommodation is my responsibility at least for the first few days till you find your feet and if you need anything, call my gsm...I'm certain I'll know someone who knows someone who can help"

Shouts of 'PRESIDO' went up admist thunderous cheering, complete with cat calls.

I had finished with everyone save her. She told me not to worry about her as she had enough money on her to book a hotel room. I would hear none of it. I told her if she thought I was going to leave her like that then she had another think coming. I eventually settled her with a female friend who lived in a small room. It was a last resort as it was getting late. I did feel like I was imposing on my friend but she assured me it was okay.

With an intention to 'buffer' their having to be together, I would go to their place after work and gist with them before heading home. My friend's boyfriend was usually around and I often found myself alone with her. We got talking and enjoying it. I don’t remember how...but we kissed one night, in the dark. It was beautiful.

She was later to ask me why I did not take her to my place that first night as opposed to going through such hoops to get her a place, or was there a girl living with me? I laughed out loud at this and took her to my place that night.

While we made out in my room, she said "Mancee, I love you". I rebuked her, saying she didn’t know what she was talking about as that word wasn’t to be used lightly. We made out some more and it started getting rather intense. I backed down. She asked why. I told her I didnt want to have sex with her. I could see the pained look in her eyes as she looked in mine looking for a reason. I told her I wasn’t down with having sex, protection or not. She clearly communicated to me that she did not understand. All the while we were together, we did not have intercourse.

I remember once while I was washing my clothes and she was visiting, she commented on my rippling muscles and came to sit behind me on the low stool. She ran her hands over my bare chest for a while and later slid into my boxers where she, of course, met a 'stiff opposition'. “You are very hard", she remarked in a surprised tone. "What were you expecting...?" I queried. "Why then don’t you want to have sex?". I told her it was a decision I made to myself to attempt to stay away from the usual rot associated with corp members and NYSC service year. After this event, she stopped asking for sex saying now she was satisfied that it wasnt that I couldn’t get it up…! Me! *aghast*. As an aside, I think I kinda compensated during our ‘Touchery’ sessions. *wink*

Often, I'd wonder how I got so lucky to have her. She was an exceptional person in herself. She made enough money from holding down two jobs in lagos (!). NYSC was just a formality. She had this killer figure and had done some modeling for a while. All I had to offer her was just my plenty dreams (I admit, some were waaay beyond me) and weird ways. When she's in lagos, she’d call me up every day (gsm was still expensive then) and we'd chat endlessly. I was the primary reason she came to that state when she does. She took an interest in every thing I liked. She’d clap her hands in glee whenever I read her poetry written for her. She made me feel like a King of kings. She'd try to give me money when I was broke (which was often, lol) and I'd vehemently refuse. I was waay too proud to. The "why don’t you want to take money from me", quickly became" Mancee, why do you keep pushing me away? Why don’t you want me to share in your pains too..."

Aside the money quarrels. Our next big thing was religion. She wasn’t taking it as ‘seriously’ as I wanted her to. She'd often wonder why I was making a big deal out of religion. I have forgiven myself, you see, and I think you may forgive my stupidity too... but we did break up. Guess why! Of course good old opium of the people; religion.

The week we broke up, (this was after NYSC), I was a mess. I smelt her perf everywhere I went. I heard her voice in every call. Every woman looked like her! In fact I had to leave my office for the whole day once when a female client came to sit in front of me and all I could see, hear, smell in her was E-babay. This kinda ish one only reads in magazines and books but I lived it for like 2 weeks. She did call me to make up and my heart wanted to beg her to come back, promise her the heavenlies and the four corners of the earth. Rather, I heard my head saying "I believe that there is no future in this if we can’t agree on religion".
The only consolation, if any, was that we broke up just a week before I landed a really plum appointment. Thus it was hard to say I dumped her when I got ‘big’ etc etc
Present day

'E-Baby!, What a surprise. How you dey? Wasn’t expecting YOU to call me...'
She laughs. My! That laughter
'Abi?! If you sha wont call us. Big boy, you've forgotten all your peeps'
'Me? haba! Why you go talk like that know it 'didn’t' possible for me to 4et my peeps now. Howz bros?
'He's fine o...'
We launch into like an extra 3 minutes of friendly banter. I've always loved gisting with her.
'Mancee?', 'yeah..?'
'Do you remember when...'
And it was like someone reached behind me and switched off all the ambient noise, dimmed the lights to a lustful glow and put on some Teddy Pendergras complete with candlelight flames dancing. Girlfriend was recounting the good times we had and asking if I remembered. I laughed uneasily and quickly changed the topic. Please tell me she's kidding! Who could forget...?". "How can I EVER forget...?"
She got wedded like 6 months after our split to a big bros who had always been on her case all the while. She didn’t tell me. I found out in a rather ugly way. I called her and asked why she didn’t tell me. She said she believed I didn’t want anything to do with her again. (!) When she told me who it was, I laughed and she retorted that "...when you said you werent doing anymore"

I remember when we met again, a year after her wedding. She was on a marketing run near my office. I went to see her commenting her looks and she reciprocating. We hugged, friendly hug intended, felt her linger on the hug. I did too. We hugged some more (yes it was full frontal this time). She asked me to kiss her and I longed to. I must have used up like a year's supply of self-control not to hungrily kiss her right there in that covered entrance.
‘She is married’, said my head to my stupid heart and hard loins. I smiled at her and slid away. She gave me a shy smile and asked me to again. I hardened my face and said through clenched teeth (more for my sake than hers) ‘You are a married woman’. "You and self control sha...”, she sighed, and smiling, shook my outstretched hands. I avoided her for another year or so after that.
We are still ‘friends’, no I’ve never met her husband nor been to her house, neither has she been to mine. We’d talk now and then-though not so often; she used to 'report' her husband to me (lol) and I’d tell her to calm down and try to explain things to her from a guy’s view point etc etc.

A lot of times did I regret our break up especially for the reasons it happened. My life hasn't exactly validated that decision you see...

You loved me (still do?) in a way no woman has ever; when I had nothing to offer, hardly two dimes to rub together for long, no fancy restaurant date, no glistening trinket could I afford, all I had and which you readily accepted was just me, my not-so-white-anymore gapped dentition and boyish smile and my lofty dreams and aspirations. I pray no one will ever have cause to love me in such circumstances- I guess that means your space in my biography is well secured. Stay smiling.

Monday, August 3, 2009


Tis silly the kind of things one remembers, but I’ll never forget the ending of her last letter to me

"With Love,

Chine ABC,
The girl who came, who saw and conquered your story-loveable heart"

I never quite got round to asking her what 'story loveable heart' meant *sigh*. I guess its too late now-she's 6 years married with 2 boys; her 'soldiers' she calls them. *chuckle*

We met at an extra coaching school I enrolled in with my gang in SS3. My gang planned to maintain a low profile but we started answering too many questions correctly. Suddenly, our gang of skin-headed lads in neatly ironed white starched uniforms who kept to themselves became quite an item. Even if I say so myself, our mix of brains and brawl was unusual. She came after me, I guess she noticed.

I tried to push her away but was captivated by her bright mind. She stuck on me and I learnt love from her.

She was the 'Head Chic In Charge' of the clique from her school. I led mine. It was a natural fit. Did I mention she had a genuinely bright mind? And quite pretty too. veeery long hair, almost my height. She had a deep throat laughter which always sounded like music and had a way of looking at me. When shes mad at me, she'd call my full name-lol, then I'd know something was amiss. She loved me; more than I understood love.

She used to call me her soul mate (!). We got same JAMB scores for the same course in different universities! She believed in me way more than I did me.

We were together for 2 years plus. We split during our second years in the university.

Why? I think I was just being older than my age. I went to her school and asked what we were doing with the relationship. Where do we plan to take it to-she is from across the Niger. I said I was ready to fight my parents if need be, were they to oppose our being together. She said she couldn’t go against her mum's wish. She is an only daughter of 6 kids.

I said we couldn’t go ahead then as it was just a waste of time. She did try to reach me but I wouldn’t let her. I ached for almost a year over the choice. I decided I loved her enough to make the sacrifice of letting her go. I did not want to waste her time I said to myself; afteral everyone knows women tend to age faster than the males. I wanted her to be able to open up to someone else (who she could have a future with) and all.

I ran into her on her fifth wedding anniversary at an eatery.. We reminisced for like 2 hrs catching up. She wasn’t exactly happy with her life. She asked me why we didn’t just elope back then. I refrained from saying "hunger might have killed our asses". I didn’t encourage the thought though, changed the topic and offered to drop her off at her destination.

I would have loved to still be able to call her up, go to her house and just gist. Meet her husband (who by the way is much older than us), buy gifts for her 'soilders', and generally hang out but I don’t trust that that will do anyone any good.

Fine girl, you became a standard in many ways. For me, you are the first. You occupy a part of me that can never be replaced. I'll always think of you fondly.

ps: We never did 'it'.

Friday, July 17, 2009


For some reasons, I've been going through our mail-gists till date and consequently feel a certain sense of closeness to you.
It seems its like 10,000 years since I last spoke with why dont I call? I dont know (!)
*deeply confused look*
Thinking of you makes me smile, okay, sometimes laugh.
What this means exactly I sincerely do not know. But one thing is certain, I have definitely grown closer to you than I might otherwise admit to myself or anybody else for that matter.
Why am I even writing this? I've bothered to ask myself. I do not know why. But a word keeps coming to mind 'premonition'. No! Don't ask me what that means (either) or its relevance-I honestly do not know.
I have , of course, tried to psycho analyse you. I have wondered about you endlessly. Do you know I think about you often? Whats your tale? Where have you been?What makes you smile? what makes you sad? What are your dreams? What are your fears? How can I help?

I have listened to you , like I haven't to anyone in a while. and I have found you a wonderful woman. Of course not perfect (who is?) but a wonderful woman. Someone who I would readily wish I had known at least 3 years before now...maybe my life would have had a better chance at happiness than right now...Maybe I'll still know of a certainty how to initiate and return happiness to others from my heart.

I have tried to read between the lines and make sense of the many hours we've spent talking, writing, laughing and sharing each others' days and events. I can only say this much 'I appreciate you'. I am grateful for the chance to have known you, to have been singled out by you for the shower of attention, to have been given the opportunity to share a part of your life. It both amuses me and gladdens my heart; all at the same time.

If not for the many bags and baggage I carry around, I might even have been able to love you like a wonderful person like you deserves. it grieves me to smithereens when I think about it. I have half expected ( and maybe hoped) that, somehow, you'd grow weary of talking to me and fizzle out. Cos I know I may never be able to do that myself. I see many bright, smiles and laughter filled years in your life and often wonder if I might be holding you back from living it; and often times if I'm meant to OR will be privileged to be a part of it...

Ma'am, You have been and are a blessing to me. All of these somehow add to my grief and to the thought that I'm just being a selfish oaf. I feel bad that I may not be able to offer you all you deserve in return nor even be able to sincerely make a heart-felt promise to. Don't get me wrong, the desire is there to...but the reality of the many strings with which I am still entangled and in whose shadow I seem to still dwell weighs heavily on my heart. Thinking of you sometimes then make me sad.
That said. Allow me to re-iterate that everything I have ever said to you have been true, sincere and heartfelt-to the best of my knowledge.

I cant ever erase from my faculties the picture of you as a flower in bloom that wants to and needs to be shielded and cared for. Taken indoors and shown off with utmost pride while its fragrance and beauty illuminates the lives that encounter it.

I'm gravely and sorely tempted to think the healing my heart seeks may be found with you, and my heart likes the idea too...did I hear you say 'selfish bastard'?, LOL I agree too.

Dear lady, this much is certain though; whatever happens, wherever I am, at whenever - the time I've been privileged to spend with you will always be some of my fondest.

Yeah I know, I may not be making sense at all. *chuckle*

Hope you are okay and your heart is at peace.
*wide heartfelt smile*

Na me,


Tuesday, July 14, 2009


"We shall overcooome..."
Overcome what? ourselves?
The song makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
Cry for what I once believed in and held dear
Laugh for the 'ridiculousity' of dreams and hopes and...

One often fancied a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel...
Now it seems the global recession has hit everywhere
Someone must have switched it off to save power
Now we embrace the ensuing dark
We remember its warmth
The all-inclusive nothingness-No
One does not grope in the dark,
For we are dark-tis what we and all things were
Before it pleased Him to say "Let there be light"
And there was light.

Till then we walk as dark
Shrouded in our small strength
Which we know the winds'll blow away soon
For we are dark
Till he says the word
When it pleases Him to say the word
that the word may be a lamp unto our path

IF it pleases Him.
When it pleases Him.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


(...from the archives; a fork in the road situation and a period of great pain)

If I lose my reason
Will it be for my soul?
If I lose my soul?
Will it be for a reason...

When events refuse the Master Plan
Frustration we've discovered, grows titanically
Prods you to deviate from the chosen path
And find in the melee; a whole new foothold

Waltzing to the dance of existence
Be often times like the tango
The many years of preparation
Suddenly dont matter on the dance floor
If associates neglect to step in tune
To Life's complicated melody
The strong man is labelled a weakling
For want of a decent mate, all fails
The sequence of steps, it fails

When the Chief Imam whitelists pork
Is this progress or recession
Is it dying or finally living
Does one revel in the new awareness
or solemnly weep in ashes

"We have kept the faith
We ran the course
We fought a good fight"
But the trip would suddenly pale in attraction
If the reward be only in the heavenlies

You who made all with a word
You who orchestrates from a higher floor;
See, the world crumbles, the structures tumble
Whats to be done, how does one stay strong
For there's an ongoing struggle, Sir
Grand tussle, a soul tussle.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


(...inspired by a dear 8 month old charmer I had the pure joy of baby sitting for some hours)

Tired and hungry
I stumbled into the room
My bungling wakes her
And she turns her head
Realising my error, I freeze

She blinks on seeing my bulky frame

Her cheeks gather and I see the beginning of a smile
She smiles, Oh Lord! She smiles
Her legs thrashing in joy on seeing me
-My hunger disappears,
My weary frame is energized
I move to her and squat
By her side and tickle her chin

“Boo!”, I say , smiling too
She laughs out loud rocking her lithe body
The world is at peace and nothing else matters
Just the laughing beauty starring at me
I kiss her on the forehead with my beastly lips
She looks lovingly into my face
Her smiles soften my wizened gaze

Lord God!
How she makes my heart sing for joy

I lay my weary head besides hers
She’s babbling something I can’t quite make out
She reaches out and strokes my nose-smiling
Her touch says all she can ever say in words
I’m smiling-mirroring hers
God bless her soul
This lil Smiles Dispenser.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009


(from the archives; wrote sometimes back when I really believed a particular relationship had a future, inspite of all the drama ...ah! well)

There's a way you call my name
My breath pauses in amazement

When I see you
My heart skips many a beat

This still puts me in wonder-
How does the coconut gets its water
Our palms the hieroglyphics

None can claim full awareness
We met them so…and like them
Of all our truths, this much is proven
Friendship is our support
Relationships our cloak

We know the Queen by the glitter of her tiara
A chieftain is stood out by his beads
There's a star, nay, two
Whose twinkle stand you out of ten thousands

When you have no one behind you
One falls like a Lackadaisical
With you, I strut like a ruling king

Look at the hoe, see its sharpness
We are ready to heap the ridges
I have seen the vision, beautiful queen
Our homecoming with the bountiful harvest
We who were thought unable to pitch a tent
See how the midday sun bathes our palace

You are my One
Of course yam cant replace pounded yam
You are my cloak
Come love me once more Beloved
I’ll peel yam on the fire, and
My amala making will span the whole street
In this Lovu wantintin feferity.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


'ManCee, I told you that Beauty and the Beast yarn get plenty potentials'
'You no well, who gi you permission use the line sef'
'Ol boy, leave dat side...or you wan begin dey claim copyright?'
'ehen now, abi?'
'Okay, shebi na the proceed una go divide...givam one round with the V-Yansh now'
'Salir, you sef no well...'
We all laughed.
Much as you think you know Shaggy, the guy still manages to surprise you. If someone had said Shaggy would get a coitus offer and turn it down, I would have laughed the person down to hades and beneath. This is Shaggy, he NEVER discriminates.

'Meanwhile Shaggy, why you no wan do the girl sef...?'
'Mancee, Me? I no fit o. What if I do finish and she no come gree go again. I no wan makesomebody dey come cry for my head say I do am evil o'
'...and since when did that start troubling you? remember Cynthia, Joke, Dola, Nne...?'
'Bros, leave story for tortoise. Those ones dey different now, no mind their drama. I took nothing that wasnt already gone. Abi Salir? AND na you I dey pity o, you no say na you dem dey meet for house come cry for'
'Yes o Shaggy. Mr Self Control'

They hit fists laughing.

I'm asking myself...what would I have done differently if I had been in Shaggy's shoes? I really wish I knew for sure.

'Shag, I think you should do the woman. Na bed She wan bed you not wed you', said Salir.

Shaggy 'Salir,Salir, well said. You have a point o'. Another fist hitting.

'D two of you no well o'
'ok Mancee, wetin you talk?'

'Well, for starters, you know I dont really believe being a virgin says anything about a person aside that. Too many technical virgins out there for the nomenclature to be of any real value. Moreover, it is no indication of whether the individual is a good person or, V or no V...a woman is a woman and should be related to without the V-cloud'.

"IWE ", they both shout out laughing. Salir is rubbing my head in a mock 'Head Ventilation' gesture.

Shaggy stands 'Bros-es, I suppose waka. I wan check somebody for next street...'
'Shaggy and Sons', Salir and I chant simultaneosly...


I had been away for like 5 days on a business trip to the south. Amaka came to the house and asked for Shaggy, told her to wait for him. Chit chat, this and that, and I find myself wondering if it was true that the drop dead gorgeous female in front of me was actually a virgin. Na wah o. 'wonders shall never end'.

Shaggy comes in later and ushers her out. He isnt back till late. He comes in with that tell tale grin on his face...I recognised the malady :'brag-litis'. He needed minimal prompting to talk...

'So ...that was Amaka V-Yansh' I said non chalantly
'Not anymore', Shaggy's grin was in 'chesire cat' mode-it had spread from ear to ear...

I nearly choked on my drink ' mean...'. The boy was so joyed he couldnt talk and just managed to nod his head vigorously.

Somehow, she had convinced him (or he had convinced her?) that it was going to be a "no-frills" shag. He said she begged him to de-flower her and teach her all about shagging. lol. Shaggy even had to draw up a 5week (!) curricula of two shag sessions per week spanning various 'positions and techniques'.
She was merely 'getting an education', he was Shaggy and 'merely' doing her a favor.
I never see.
End of the five weeks, Shaggy wants to move on. (tis a surprise he could stick with the same female for that long-he said it was because she was a good student !).

Amaka asked for an extension...
Shaggy agreed (against our collective disapproval). One day he goes to pick her up at home for another 'class'. While waiting in the living room, he overheared her mum call him her husband. He did not hear Amaka contest it. Shaggy panicked, freaked out, and asked to use the toilet. He called me -from the toilet- asking what to do. lol

Well, though I would readily kill the guy a lotta times, he's still my guy now abi?.
'Do the migraine routine...'

That class was cancelled-due to a rather curious bad case of migraine.

After two weeks of 'migraine', Amaka got the gist-she came to complain to me. (I really need to leave home more often...)

...And like a lotta other beautiful divas before her-Cynthia, Joke, Dola, Nne etc...ManCee had to bear the tearful sobs, give the 'sob-soothing' shoulder, offer the soothing kleenex, get a cab-and pay- while promising to 'talk to' Shaggy.

And another one bites the dust...

...another dis-illusioned woman unleashed unto an unsuspecting world...

...One more excuse to give God for stabbing Shaggy to death in his sleep.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Shaggy and Sons- THE VEE CHALLENGE 1

A Shaggy tale, told in first person...

Its a parteeee...
I was passing by and overheard her saying to her girlfriends "...I'm so fine". I laughed and made a U-turn for her. I walked up to her amidst all the other females and held her arm 'Marry me'. She's startled.

'It's proven to work, I swear', the other chic are going 'Na wah o', and giggling

'Say something girl, I'm offering you fairy tale level romance here. Ever heard of Beauty and the Beast?. You are sooo fine (true) and I'm sooo ugly (false). We were made to be together. Lets tango', said I as I spun her into an internal dance turn-latin dance style.
Shes laughing now, 'I dont think so..', and eased herself away. I looked up into the sky and with mock angst and disappointment I cried with arms widespread "I tried, Lord I tried".
I went back to the dance floor singing "Sean da Paul...give it to 'em" at the top of my voice and doing the dance. I was having mad fun that night.
We got introduced later by a friend and I never asked her out again. I didnt mean it the first time, was just high on mad fun and Smirnoff I think she apparently thought more of it.

We'd chat online, trade insults on 'hi5'. SMSs. share annoyances and pet peeves mostly over the phone. She's fun and smart but I never asked her out.

One morn, I'm getting ready for work. She calls asking if we could hook up after work-something on her mind. Why not? 1830hr, we meet. gist about this and that and nothing specific. We go see a performance. 2200hr, time to leave. She asked if she could come over to my place for the night-shes got a spare shirt. My heart is racing, could this be...I declined.
The boys would be home-that Mancee nonsense would totally burn my cable.
I took her home. We make out in the car. Tis goodnight.

She calls next day asking what happened. Why didnt I want her over. Dont I like her? etc etc. I laughed. Told her I was just tired is all.
I told her I was waaay tooo cheap to be chased for long. She laughed at my self flagellation.
From then on...we flirted with each other each chance possible. Friendly banter, laden with innuendoes. She being the more vocal and un-abashed. Me silently wondering if I really could handle this woman in bed.What with all her bragging. What with my rep at stake. There was only one way to find out-It was bound to eventually happen.

A date was fixed. She chose the day. Her funeral I told her. She asked me to write my will.

I knew her job was as stretching as mine and decided to get as much advantage as possible. Took a 3 day work leave and didnt tell her. I used the first two to catch up on sleep-it was imperative to be in top shape. Fed well and took a lotta fruits. Added pineapples incase an oral came up, bananas and roasted plaintain to patch any estwhile unrecognized hole in the phallus function. Bought a box of assorted sheathings, ribbed, dotted, flavored etc etc.

Friday, "Slaughter Day", I got some KY-Jelly on my way to her office. I patiently watched her from the waiting lounge. She's obviously stressed up. Shes on the phone and I could see her neck muscles tensing, lol. I've got all the advantages in this war. She finally gets away at six, dials my number 'where are you', 'stuck in traffic', I heard her sigh. She's surprised to see me in the lounge, looking cool, bathed, smiley, smelling nice and content. She smilles and kisses me lightly on the lips. right there. Her dress was sexy and sultry in a professional way! How does she do that?

We went for a drink, bought take-away and headed to the pre-booked hotel room. She asked why an hotel and not my place. I said I didnt want to seem like I had "home advantage" in this match(I couldnt tell her I share a flat with 2 others-abi? my rep now). She laughed and mouthed some more threats. *snicker

She brought out scented candles from her bag, and lights them-I'm curious, she says she wants it to be special. Mmmm..
I told her I dont need that much persuasion or was she going to start begin me now for mercy?
She laughed 'In ur mind' she retorted. 'Shaggy, I've told you, you are going dooown tonight'.

Bring it on baby, bring it on.

Music playing, food done and cleared. teeth brushed and rinsed, clothes removed or torn. The kissing is on steroids. We are both tearing at each other as if to outdo one the other. (Well actually) Her body was a wonderland and my hands had a field day and kept getting lost. Girl gives a head like she has a diploma in it. I outdo her on the rebound. She's clutching my head tightly while she calls out my name on different keys.

Main feature of the night. I bring the box and she chooses the vanilla flavoured sheath (!).
She helps roll it on and is FRANTICALLY talking dirty. She was thrusting while i'm yet to enter. Man this woman was really itching to be done. I decided to make her wait. I played on the entrance, teased every inch of that vulva with the vanilla-ed phallus. She's wild now and looked like she'd bite me if I didnt go in. I decided to. I gently slid a finger in there...

Can it be?

"Sweetness of Ages!!!" I exclaimed.

Amaka is a Virgin.!!!!!!!!!

I sprung away, loosing my balance. I toppled backwards off the bed and hit my head. Shes asking what the matter was. My head was smarting and I was laughing. 25years and body of a damn fine sex goddess, how? Can you imagine, all that preparation and she's a friggin virgin?! No way I was going to do a virgin.

"YOU ARE A VIRGIN?!" I said to her still chuckling

She crumbles by the bed side and is wailing her heart out...'Is it a sin to be, why do guys treat me like i'm a leper..."

There is no way I'm doing a virgin. No way baby...No way
(Have I got gist for the boys or what?)

Amaka of the bubble butt fame IS a virgin!

And thus ended the V-Challenge.


What do you think about this, eh?

Sunday, May 31, 2009


Let the Green'Witch' not be mean,
and let time here be same as there

Let the even sun stay a bit its course,
and let us share this one sunset

Let the wind carry my longing heart
oh!To be in the arms of her-My Beloved.


Monday, May 18, 2009

Shaggy and Sons -Mama shaggy Visits-In conclusion

0500hr. I start the engine. Noticed a hand scrawn note passed through the slit in my window “I'm sorry”. I knew it was from Tamia. A vision of the body I saw last night passed by my mind and my body recoiled while "my guy" started engorging AGAIN! Damn girl.
I'm so so tired of all this crap. I head home to go change and dress up.
Salir opens the door looking in my face for some tell tale sigh of anger. I eye him coldly and make for the room. Took a loooong warm shower. Dressed up and went to grab Shaggy by his scruffy collar. He's apologising and saying a whole load of shit I wasnt trying to hear. My whole body itched and ached simultaneously (how do you explain that?!)
I dragged him to his mum's room. Salir is close behind. She's awake and obviously still shaken.
'Morning ma', she ignores the greeting.
'Mummy, shaggy has something to say to you'.
She looks at him with a look of “Can it be any worse?”
A loooong silence.
“Mummy, the condom was mine”. The woman looked like she was going to die of apoplexy. I felt a twinge of pity for her, her face suddenly looked extremely sad. “i did not bring you up that way. Is that the influence of bad company?” she queried, eying Salir and I.
“No mum, you didnt bring me up that way. We never discussed sex or girls. Remember it was a taboo. I grew up and discovered for myself...I was even doing it without protection.
This so-called bad company -he gestured in our direction-made me start using one. Mum I owe them”. The sheath you found, I was drying out for re-use, I find it kinda embarrasing going to ask to buy condoms at the corner store
“Mum, if you love me at all you will be grateful to these two guys. They've helped me stay sane...”
“Are you implying that you've since been having sex...”
Shaggy cuts in “Mum, I've only done it 4 times!”.
(Salir and I exchange a discreet smile)
I see now than ever that I probably shouldnt be having sex till marriage but mummy, the spirit is willing...”
MShaggy gets up from the bed and hugs her son. She's crying. Shaggy is holding on to her. I motion to Salir for us to leave the room for Mother and Son.
They didnt notice our exit, they both held and cried, saying apologies to each other over and over.
We go late to the office . Shaggy and Mum still pouring their hearts out to each other.
I called Shaggy's office and told them he was ill and wont be coming in. Left him a note to let him know...
Outside, I looked at Salir and said 'man, we need to talk...', 'About Tamia?'I nodded.
'Dont worry about it, She made advances at you right? its her way. Thanks for trying to tell me though, you are real brother'. I'm dumbfounded.
'So, did you...?', 'No, no I didnt. Couldnt' I quickly cut in (still remembering the attendant pain)
“I'm breaking up with her cheating ass soon anyways...'. ‘Why not now’ I wondered. Salir laughed ‘Bruv, that girl knows how to do a guy right’, ‘Salir, you ARE crazy’.
We both laughed as we entered our cars to start the days travails…

We all took the day off at MShaggy's prompting.
She treated us to some exotic dish from the northern part of the country. I never knew those guys had anything that exciting.
While we ate, she brought up the events of the last few days and said she'd like to discuss them with us.
I looked at my giuys, we exchanged looks which said "Darn, the food was bait".
She asked us to relax.
MShaggy reminded of her stay at Harvard. How she met Pa Shaggy. She gisted us of how he pursued her till like forever before she 'greed. How he was a ladies' man and why she was sceptical about him. She gisted us of their first time kissing and *cough. She didnt tell ANY of these tales in a boring old woman fashion o...she was down to earth. it was uncensored. She said she should have had this talk with Shaggy ages ago.She told us of their romance at college. How they broke up for a year and the other guys she "found adventure" with. A lot of the gist was veeeru funny. We laughed our bollocks off. She told us of how an oyinbo lecturer had the hots for her and of cos, this got Pa Shaggy furious and more serious at the same time. We all made lunch was real fun. She said she didnt believe Shaggy's claim of sex only 4 times; that if he was anything like his
Just when we were beginning to think the woman was clueless...
Did I ever compare this woman to my mum?!!
Heck, she was waaay cooler.
Somehow, somehow, she smuggled talk of christ into the gist. We never noticed nor saw it coming.
(In retrospect, I think we might have decided to be born-again without knowing it that day)
When it was time to go, she said she had booked a flight back to lagos. She was wearing a rather fancy skirt and blouse. She had it made in a hurry by the cornerstore bespoke tailor. She said she was going off that "iro and buba" bandwagon.She said she needed to apologise to Pa Shaggy for letting their earlier raunchiness go cold, in the excuse of getting more godly. Wasnt it part of her godly duty to her hubby?
She said she had us to thank for helping her remember the good old days with Pa Shaggy. She said she was going to help them rediscover that "absolute magic"- her words.
At the airport, we took turns hugging her. She took time to oray for each of us rather embarrasingly seriously right there in the lobby.
When her flight was ready and they were being called in she got and shouted "GROUP HUG!!!"
Bear hugs for every body...and we took pictures on her camera-she promising to send a copy back to us in canvas.
On the way home, Salir asked if we didnt need to warn Pa Shaggy of the impending...
"Naaaaah....", we all chorused.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


We flay them
We straff 'em
'useless, imperfect
unfair, un-needed'

Yet through all ages
They diligently illuminate
Our thoughts
Whats been taught
Whats retained
And those disdained
time and time again

We do well to embrace all Truth-Sayers


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Shaggy And Sons-Mama Shaggy Visits 3

Well folks, day 3 was what you call same same or 'so so'. I actually prefer the French 'comme ci comme ca', though the food wasn’t. Oh no ma'am! It wasn’t.
Mama Shaggy (MShaggy) went on her tour but asked us to stay back as she had made a friend in the neighborhood!!!
Turns out the pestle for our pounded yam binges were from our next door neighbor.
The Girl Next Door (GND) turns out to be a real looker. Damn! That chic had some hooters on her- and she packaged them well.
She was a final year psychology student and was visiting for two weeks
I greeted her curtly-no chic was going to make me provoke MShaggy . Shaggy lingered on his greeting of her...I noticed.
When MShaggy and GND were gone, I dragged him outside, and promised to skin him alive if he so much as make any moves-sudden or planned on that chic. Nothing was going to come between me and MShaggy’s mealies. Nothing. “ Food before bros, Ho-s come next.
Salir had a chic he had dated then for 3 months and I had no fear of him effing up.
Shaggy was still the “Weakest Link”. Give it to the guy, he'd been celibate for 4 days now, aka no shagging or chasing.
Lets face it folks, Guy was bound to break sooner or later, twas Shaggy we're talking about here man.

Gentlemen and ladies, without our knowledge nor sanction, Master Shaggy had launched out for GND
It so turned out that GND spent quite a lotta time with MShaggy , and you know how the Worlds Most Perfect Son belongs to every mother? Well MShaggy had one too. She was full of how caring and stuffs her lil boy was and GND may just like him. She tells of how Shaggy had no girl in his life -what with him being such aa shy boy (!)-and needed a good girl like her to compliment him.
Girl next door (GND) was so friendly with MShaggy that they'll both take the trips we had planned for her.
Of cos it was bound to happen- MShaggy 'introduced' them-officially. Unknown to her, shaggy had already read his manifesto to the chic same day we all met her.
MShaggy feeling like a correct match maker structured an alone time between both people. Of course Shaggy agreed. He never told us anyhow, we knew better than to let the Shaggy Cat watch over any Fine Ass Fried Fish Chic.
Anyways, Shaggy did the girl. Turns out the good girl GND was a vixen herself. Typical?.

I noticed Shaggy was exceptionally calm at breakfast. I recognised the calm-and the attendant Shaggy itch to brag. It was obvious he was happy about something but was dying from bottling it up.
On my way to work, I brushed past him and whispered for his ears only “Hey bro, hang in there and dont Eff this up ”3 more days man, 3 more days”. He nods and gives me a look of defiance...
1800hrs, I'm getting ready to leave the office. My phone vibes, tis Salir.
“ManCee, the good luck talisman aint working no more. We're in for it”
“Whatcha mean bruv”
“Tis shaggy man, he's effed up bro. He's effed up big time”
Suddenly, the room is threatening to spinning, “Woosa...”, I definitely need my head about me now “Alright bruv, you NEED to calm down and tell me what happened”
Turns out that Shaggy's creativity had done us in. Remember, we got him unto the Condom-Use band wagon much earlier? Well, what we didn’t bargain for was that Shaggy was going to get inventive.
After a few uses, Shaggy apparently came to the conclusion that the used sheaths could be recycled. Yep! I mean re-used. (can you beat that!?)
Shaggy uses a sheath, 'empties' it, rinses and hangs to dry for re-use. K-Y Jelly helps in the re-use session
Turns out that from doing GND the day before, MShaggy discovered the used sheath while it was still making the recycling rounds. Dearest Shaggy had hung the sheath in the other room and MShaggy had found it out . AND all hell was let loose.
MShaggy was hysterical. You know how when people get mad they delve into an inner part of them that doesnt surface all the time? She was demanding an explanantion for the apparition in impeccable queen's english (she studied in Oxford). She was raving mad and going on and on about how we had disappointed her faith in us. Shaggy apparently freaked out and told his mum that the condom belonged to me!
Salir said he finally believed MShaggy went to oxford that day, in spite of all her homeliness and ‘local-ness’. He said half of the '*oyinbo' she was blowing was waaay beyond his head
MShaggy was on and on about how could she have been so blind and not seen through my 'school boy-ish' innocence and seen that I was thoroughly spoiled. She’s saying how shaggy needs to move out and away from my influence. Does he not know that 'bad company corrupts good manners?' and so on and so on and so forth.
I'm appaled- Damn! My first impulse was to rush home and bash shaggy's head in.
Salir advised not to come home for the night. Let the woman cool down a notch and finish venting.
Oh Shaggy, Oh shaggy! What the bling is wrong with you man? Why cant you control yourself. Why man, why?
Salir gives me his babe's addy, said he had called her that I might be coming and she was expecting me.
I knew it was probably best to stay away...I took Slair's advise and headed for Tamia's.
Twas already dark by the time I got to her mini flat. Tamia greets me at the door in her nighties. Some peripherial vision acknowledges that she had a killer body. She had some TFC take-aways for me. I did the usual chit chat I do with her. How was her day and stuffs. We saw the news at nine together and passed comments about the usual national drama. 22:10, she hands me a duvet and pillow and excuses herself. I gratefully took the articles and proceeded to make myself comfortable on her 3-seater. The rug felt more like I relocated there. Lights out. Time to crash and consolidate the day’s happenings.
About an hour or so into my sleep..I felt my 'buddy' standing at attention. Felt like a dream...Hmm nice I thought. I hadn’t had one of those kinda dreams in a long while. I feel myself writhing slightly and felt a warm body under the duvet. Instinctively I snuggled closer still thinking twas a dream. My mouth finds a hard pointy knot and I'm sucking rather hard. I hear a moan and thought how realistic...Cant it be...?
I open my eyes a slit and make out curves in the half light.
I sprung up alarmed, throwing the duvet away, heart pumping, my boxers parted at the 'piss hole' and my phallus so hard it ached. I make out Tamia's figure looking at me with almost a pleading stare. Her nightie lace undone, boobs beckoning me to lock on and suck, gap between her spread legs caught a light which proved wetness and my 'guy' is nodding vigorously-agama style.
Lord knew I did not need an invitation and so much wanted to do her till kingdom come.
I swallowed. “What da Eff do you think you are doing?” I struggled to keep my voice from shaking from all the excitement and over exertion of self control.
“No one will know” she said getting up to her knees, 'I promise'
In an instant, she's holding ‘my guy' and started the beginning of a licking.
I felt the tip of her tongue and wanted to thrust into her mouth. Somehow the order was carried out in reverse and my body sprang away (Dont ask me why, It DEFINITELY was reflex. I KNOW that MOST ASSUREDLY wasnt me. I mean C'mon, I'm a guy and hadnt had any since my last girlfriend, some 5 months earlier.
I pick my things and made for the car.
She shouting after me “Come back here ManCee and fuck me. Come back here this instant”. SHIT.
I could have cried.
Can this day go any worse?
My own guy lied on me to save his skin, I'm 'dethroned' as MShaggy 's favorite, no wonderful supper for me, I run away from my own house, I'm almost fcuked by my guy's girl, I run away from a promising discreet shag after a rather long drought, and now I had to go sleep in a car. Can it be any worse?
Big mouth, I just had to ask ...'the Mosquitoes seemed specially trained...they sucked me so meanly and left me wondering which was worse. To be sucked by Moquitoes or Salir's girlfriend. Damn pests.
I drifted in and out of a nightmare featuring a gorgeous figure eight Mosquito which kept trying to insert its probocis into my “One-eyed-snake”!!!
So much for sleep...

Thursday, April 30, 2009


Tears sear,yeah
Tears cleanse, hence
Tears were made,to aid
Humans' journey thru life

I am a man,
I need not prove it to anyone
But I refuse
To be caused tears by anyone

If I cry, when I do

Twill be merely for release
To help ManCee's journey thru life


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Shaggy and Sons- Mama Shaggy Visits2-The chronicles


We go to pick up mama Shaggy today at the park.
We take one last look around...

Flat neatly arranged-check
No stray playboy et al lying anywhere-check
All such publications as above moved outta the house-check
Christian picture on sitting room wall-check, check
Sticker on outer door saying 'I'm a winner'- double check

Bus arrives 3pm-we've been there since 2:30.
Her route is announced, we meet, we're introduced. I get special mention and hug as the 'landlord'
Did I mention the prayers too. We left early enof to avoid rush hour. We offer mama some re-heated food still in take away pack from TFC- (Yeah I know, we were just incorrigible)

She's appalled!

"Is this how you boys live?" she queries. We ALL shrug like whats she talking about?!

"Unacceptable", she declared, bringing out some pre-cooked stew +soup from used bournvita cans.

She empties these into our sole 2 pots and kept the rest in the refridgerator
"Tomorrow", she dictated 'we go to the market'
"Yes ma", we nodded obediently, .
Secretly patting each other on the back-'high performance, delivered-great planning guys'
She wisks some dinner up for the boyz and goes to sleep after a bath.

...Mouths reeking of locust beans, tummies rotund from myriads of boluses, we sit idly in the sitting room, legs draped over various pieces of furniture, wondering if we could have mama on retainership.

Plates washing and kitchen cleaning, we sleep and thus went the first day


Ps: OMG, None of us remembered it was a Friday night…


Day 2

Bodyclock ALWAYS wakes me at 5am. Prompt!
At about 'wake up time', my mind registered a shuffling past our door. I was sleeping on the rug; nearer to the door and could make out mutterings. Mama was up, about and praying. I smiled, nostalgia, I'm suddenly thinking of my mum. *sigh
Call Mama Mancee in the morn

Morning rituals-water drinking, 'shaiting', pushups, crunches, bathing. I launch 'operation 'MEGA SUCK UP' and join mama Shaggy in the kitchen.

She's pleasantly surprised to see me.

I asked if she slept well, 'very well' she said. She fired me some early morn prayers while I lapped it all up...


She asked about the others, told her they were still dozing. I saw her brief look of dis-approval as she glanced at the kitchen clock 5:45.

We chit chat about this and that-me being careful NOT to be drawn into any 'churchy' conversation except to mention my mum and her churchy ways...Mama is impressed.
Man, have I scored or what? I can already see the size of MY meat growing as we chatted. lol.

The more we talked, the more I wondered how it was that Shaggy was born of this same woman !!! The more I saw the potential for this visit going wrong. Wharaheck! I decided to focus on the potential gratification at hand.

Tis Saturday, I had to go to the office. ( actually Salir and I had scheduled to be away today to avoid possibly going to the market with her, *snicker). Shaggy of course couldn’t be away.

We had told him it would be quality time to catch up on Mama-Son gist. The look on his face was priceless…he looked like he had just been pierced in the heart and the lance was being twisted back and forth. lol

Breakfast was better than dinner, I swear! Jeez, I could get used to this.
Of course, we’ll be back in time for lunch.
Of course.

Chic I marry MUST know how to cook first, a close second being shag-ability...(we'll need plenty work outs to keep the pot belle at bay, innit?)


Monday, April 20, 2009

Shaggy and Sons...Mama Shaggy Visits (1)

Shaggy's mum once came visiting! Apparently, the woman had not seen him for while and was missing her son. Nothing wrong with that shay?
Well so we thot till the 'logistics' dawned us.
Salir randomly asked if we needed to 'prepare' for mumsie's coming and the thot appealed to my 'inner consultant', so I fired up my laptop, hooked the display up to our 25"tv nd commenced deliberations.
(1)House keeping
(2)Bedroom space
(3)Tour packages
(4)Tv programmes scheduling and how they affect Video Gaming
(5)Parties/Gigs scheduled 4 that week

Soo, housekeeping.
It was obvious that our bi-weekly pseudo cleaning effort wont fly. To our credit, we had a timetable, we cleaned every other saturday . Why we didnt do it more often? We all agreed that the important thing was the regularity. Salir NEVER faltered. I've been known to have a few excuses but Shaggy ALWAYS had his done.
By different chics.
After which, he - in his words- rewards them.
In kind of course.
He called it a 'classic symbiosis'.
Needless to say , Shaggy's Super Saturdays were our cleanest, of cos he'd claim the bragging rights too-fair enof.
He however, made up for this by being the most untidy of us three.
Yours truly was "Cleanest" (lol) male standards.

The resolution here was obvious-
Henceforth, cleaning is every saturday. Every saturday is Shaggy's Super Saturday- for a month before his mum's coming. Upon her arrival, we guys will take over. No more chics allowed.

Bedroom space. This was a no brainer-She gets one room, we guys hunker in the other room and spill over into the sitting room-as usual.

Sight seeing tours. We agreed that to keep the Ol lady out of our biz, we needed diversions. She needed tours such that she'll be too tired in the evenings to bother us all too much. We were especially scared of being preached at. Of cos, Shaggy's trips had to be on hold, else the stupid boy would have conveniently structured a week long facility inspection to some remote location or the other. Plan was we'll take turns and of cos, we all had to go to a church with her. We agreed my church was the preferable, it was big enof for us to claim anonymity and I had attended church enof to be known by a handful of ppl who we could stop and make small talk with after church to simulate 'after service fraternization'. I could see the Ol lady's nod of approval already...(snicker)

TV. If above tours plans dont work out...we all knew what that meant, the tv would be 'in the line of fire'. She was liable to hold us ransom to some local boring programme or the other OR even more scary, we could be made to watch an online church service with her. With this in mind, I installed an application on my phone which would 'call' me at a set time so I'll pretend to need to go outside to talk. No, I ddnt mention it to them-if we all had it, its efficacy very easily be compromised. There was the suggestion of buying a tv for her room so she wont come out at all. Shaggy reminded us that she was waay too social for that to work. Plonck! There goes another great idea down the drain... (sigh).
Video games were definitely NOT going to fly...we evaluated them and ALL was 18+. Too much gore or too much display of 'chic-ly anatomy'

Parties and gigs were out of it. You DONT want to provoke a Christ Apostolic Church woman into forcing you to a night vigil session. NO SIR! you absolutely DONT.

For above reason, visits were to be AGGRESIVELY monitored and censored.
Of cos, NO MORE CHICS' SLEEP OVER. Shaggy muttered something about feelings of 'castration'.
Lol. This was going to be fun.
I mentioned I was looking forward to seeing Shaggy go thru withdrawal symptoms.
He looked like he wanted to call the trip off, say he had to travel outta town or something. Problem was, we ALL wanted the woman over!!!

Then you'll rightly ask
So with ALL these potential disruption to our 'well structured and organised lives' Why didnt we just vote the proposed visit down?

Well...because we are guys and though it is often opined that the path to the male heart is sometimes the **** (cough), believe me, the palate is always a winner.

Home cooked mealies, done by a real life old dame? I'm sorry but few chics can cook the way our mamas do it...

We were all agreed on that one.