Friday, October 30, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5d)

**Long Post Alert**

These are my rules of engagement

"I NEVER mess with free will." Only what you truly want for yourself by yourself is sustainable.

Right or wrong? I say 'Do whatever pleases you-as long as you don't hurt anyone without their permission'

"I will never hurt you without ur permission, neither will I let you hurt me without my permisssion

'Sir, sorry to interrupt you but I beg to differ. I don't believe anyone of us is in a position to say Maureen's choices are wrong or right. The important thing here is to ask her what she wants. If a grown person her age has to apologise for her choices out of courtesy then she might as well apologize for being alive as our choices are what define us. Which is where I come in, NOBODY should ever have to apologize for being alive. Nobody'.

Maureen's uncle was dazed. I had been silent all the while they bashed her and now I was seemingly defending her. He had asked what the problem was and I had said there was none. This was just two adults making up their minds about a way forward for their lives... And the man had gone off ranting about wifely roles and responsibilities...
I withdrew into myself and ruminated on the events of the 2 years of marital bruhaha...

Wedding eve. Pastor asks us what's on our mind. She says the event of the morrow. I say I'm anxious-about her capacity to hold on to negatives and keep malice.

4 days later.HONEYMOON. Saga of the two tumblers. Wifey accusses me of leaving 2 used glass cups for her to wash! Makes a big issue out of it! (yes, she's heard about hotels and room service). I failed to understand what the issue was-seeing we could call Housekeeping for new cups-but I guess there was a lesson to be taught 'Mancee, house work is a no go'.
After that, I clowned, sang, flipped, stood on my head, begged but she won't talk to me again till we left. End of honeymoon.
Her uncle had to Wade in before she loosened up...days later. apres honeymoon.
(which action? of course there was no action...!)

I ask for a joint account to be administered by her- I give 70% of my take home, she 30% of hers. My salary was almost double hers. She refused saying she can't put her money into running the house or any investment-as it was my job. OK.

Months later, I'm offered a juicy real estate on the outskirts of town, staggered payment. It was a no brainer- but I wanted to do this right. I asked wifey's opinion. She says no, its too far for us. So I turned it down out of respect for her. 2 months later she calls me up to help her make an installmental payment as she couldn't get away from work-she'll reimburse me later. I found out later that she had gone ahead to buy land in the same vicinity for a higher sum and never
told me about it! WONDERFUL!!!

Oh! The fights, the arguements-were harrowing. Debating with her isn't fun- chic takes things too personal. You'd hear her ranting and shouting on me. "Maureen, don't shout on me. I don't shout on you neither have you ever heard me shout on anyone before. Gimme that respect and don't shout on me". For where?! Lol

Have I mentioned the many people from Uni I ran into at weddings and occasions who on learning who I married would laugh (I'm serious) and say somethin like 'men! I wish you well o','I never believed anyone could marry that girl o' etc. One even referred me to Shakespeare's 'To tame a shrew'. I couldn't fight or bicker as I was battling those same things back home.

She once told me she was waiting for me to go have an affair so she can have a Christian ground to divorce me. I couldnt (still don't) understand why she'd say that.

Oh! The sex?! It was phenomenal.
We did it total of like 10 times (ok, let's be generous and say a dozen times) all in the first year. None in the 2nd. Bear in mind, yours truly never had sex before marriage.( Though I was just a technical virgin, I still have rights. Shay?)

Once I had pain urinating. My doctor brother recommended some tests which showed I had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). The pharmacist asked me to go bring the wife, and girl friend. I laughed it off (with pain in my heart).
Do I think she cheated? Dunno, but I'd rather attribute it to her very unimpressive personal hygiene. I bought 2 sets of drugs, for each of us, she refuses, arguing typically)that she had no infection. A month later I had to rush her to the hospital late at night from intense kidney pains,s tayed by her side all through the next day; missed my business flights and had to reschedule my many meetings till another fortnight and cancel some. Afteral family was first.
Why wasn't I re-infected? D'uh! WE DONT DO SEX,that's why.

She said she was a virgin before we married. I had to ask her for confirmation 8months after we married. Just for the knowledge. Between her and me. She flared up and called her father (!) saying I was accussing her of infidelity. LWKMD.

I never hear.

I remember her mum shouting on me "'mancee, your wife is a good girl, you married her as a virgin".
"Mummy, if anyone should be telling the other, I should be telling you; NOT you me". Abi?

I remember the intense sadness when she told me she was pregnant. This was definitely not my life was planned. The angst was too much, but I continued hoping for the best

I ask her to travel to the west to deliver and give baby a second nationality. She fights me on refusing to let us travel to study yet asking her to give baby a second citizenship.Hmmm. She refused to go o.

I remember with a shudder, when she fought me to take my car. Of course, I gave her the car. Afteral She was more important to me than the car.

Oh yeah! You should see our flat. Constantly a mess. I'd come back from my trips and spend the first week cleaning and arranging and ask her to please at least maintain the order. For where?! Househelp? In those days of being under fire from madam and the 'no talk, no sex, no food' sanctions? I was deathly afraid of 'doing' the help in a moment of temporary weakness o-a man can only be 'strong' for so long. Didnt want that on my records.Mba.

Can't count the counselling session! After a while, they became an obvious waste of time. The different people kept saying the same stuffs and wifey refused to bulge.

I used to be afraid to come home from my many trips. I'd wait and take the last flights back to Lagos. Lol. "The fear of Maureen's wrath was the beginning of longevity".

Each new year we were together, I'd pressure her for her growth points for the year and I'd support them. Every professional exam she did which her company didn't pay for, I made sure I did...and rooted for her all the way.

In all of these, I NEVER mentioned our travails to my parents. I kept believing it'll soon be over and we'd be happy. Didn't want anyone hating her unnecessarily-but I made sure her parents knew. I said to myself 'she'd listen to them'.

It all sounds like a nollywood excerpt Shay? Well, I lived it for real.

Oh! There was this one week of bliss. End of that week, I thanked her for the best one week of my life yet. She said she didn't expect it to last- true to her prophesy, the showdown resumed that night!

Wifey stopped cooking months after we married. When she does, na indomie. Standard. People get pot bellies after marriage. I got an ulcer.

I had 2 washing machines in the flat plus a washaman on retainership (who I had had for 3yrs before marrying her), maureen pursued the guy (he was too expensive) and in our years together, my only item of clothing she washed was a boxers lost amongst her clothes.

She was uncomfortable with my relationship with my friends, so, I 'stylishly' withdrew from them. Little did I know that my friends also noticed and all agreed to give me space if it'll make my marriage work. Well it didn't-please come back y'all *sob*

One can only run a marriage on UNWARRANTED OPTIMISM thus far.

Then the historic day when she told me 'I can never be the wife who cooks and cleans'. It finally dawned on me; my sweetheart had always known the way of the married woman all these while but had chosen to have nothing to do with them.

I agonized for a whole month on the findings. I could no longer deny it; it was obvious what the alternatives were. I called her, "Maureen, I think a separation will be in order..."

I went to my father, apologized for not telling him about all of this since and told him my decision "Daddy, I am not asking for your permission, I'm now tell you for your information and out of respect"

Of course , knowing her. I told everyone that I was the bad guy. I was the one who left. I KNEW she would slander me big time anyways.(She did) "whatever Maureen says I did or not, so it is". I really had lil tummy for 'He says, She says'. It wasn't a contest to be won.

So I moved out, paid 2 yrs rent on the apartment and left everything to her except my laptop and some clothes. I emptied my account to furnish my new nest and travel the world in an attempt to numb the pain till my
brother stopped me. Lol.

If there is a phrase to describe those 2+ years we were together, it'll be EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Ps: I miss my daughter. *sigh*
I was there for ALL the prenatal classes. The nurses would tease me endlessly *chuckle*. Was VERY involved with the carrying, singing, feeding, daiper change and (oh!)the colic too.

I often wonder what I could have done differently - aside becoming a
puppet like her dad to her mum. The only workable alternative is to
not have married in the first, at least not her. Of cos I WAS angry at

Do I regret it? NO! No room for regrets in my life. Will I do it again
if I could? NEVER.
So now I try to heal while I await the legal time lapse before a
divorce is concluded.

Sure, I feel used. But is she a bad person? No (maybe a bitch, lol). I gave her the permission to hurt me by agreeing to marry her. I only wish she had told me what her choice of a wife was, we could have agreed from the onset that I couldn't be the sort of husband who could live with that.

Ah well...(c'est la vie). I have indeed achieved a whole lot...and all before I'm even 30years. lol.

pps:Is there a phrase like "Elder Bachelor?"

Sent from my iPhone3GS

Friday, October 16, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5c)


If I pay attention to them
I will remain
Stunted in growth, stagnant and stale
I will not be all I'm made to be...

If I pay attention to the foibles
and flaws
I will not grow...
I will not advance

And I so desperately need to grow
to realize my potentials fully
for I am a person too
distinct, smart, gifted and great.

I am a person too...
i must not allow myself to be swallowed up
in conceptions and expectations
in ordinariness and averageness...

I am a person too; unique and great
with the power to be the bigger person
i must not allow myself to be swallowed up
in the myth of "the missus"

...Maureen Mancee (Mrs.)

XX Editor's note XX

The poem above was written and displayed by the delightful MMM for the benefit of a certain Mr Mancee (MM).

Research has it that it was written after a battery of counselling sessions when the multitude of counsellors seemed intent on getting said Author to be more 'wifely'. They are reported as seemingly arriving at the same conclusion after listening to either side and often had this to say, "Maureen, you need to pay attention to your home and your husband".

MMM, a "Social Non-conformist" (as she calls herself) did not find this a workable option.

MM was to have an eureka moment some years later when it became obvious that no one had asked MMM what she 'wanted' to be, as opposed to what she was 'expected' to be.
The said epiphany was spawned when MMM called MM and said (verbatim) 'I can never be the wife who cooks and cleans'.

Report reaching us has it that He has since been defending her position vehemently, demanding that everyone who cares to listen respect her choice/decision; asking for only one thing in return; the right to choose to be who he also wants to be.

Monday, October 12, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5b)


In this life we share together
Per time and from time to time
One or both of us may want out...
Drown the sun in our personal miseries and daemons.
All the rain and all the pain
I hope its for the good
It is revealed we could be together for ever
And I'm ready to make that move
Cross that line with you with me
We could put some joy in each other's tears
The sun shines laughter when we live as one
And there's peace for those who believe in love
Lets go for Ours
Because dreams come true

though we often do dream in metaphors

 and dreams ( sometimes unreliable souls, I agree)
they show us the paths of our longings...

All I ever longed for was some love and peace and harmony

To dance in the raw in the sun underneath the stars


I want you to trust me
Trust my wisdom and my directions
Trust my idiotic stupidities too
Trust my head to wander often like a tramp
Trust my heart to always bring me home
Trust me to never cease from seeking greatness
And my heart to find it all lies in you
With you is what my life is about 
I am not afraid to love
I pray the distance gives my pain sound
In this here world-I will love some more
In front of the eyes of others
I will love you outside and inside me
In that place that's Our private treasure
In this life we share together
Let our individuality strengthen our love

 When I'm asked "Are you truly happy?" I'd say "Yes, truly"
But down here in reality everybody knows there ain't no such thing
And it's clear

It's obvious this here is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is here on earth with You
So I know that I gotta come to you
And I'm ready to make that move
I for one know my search is over
The Spirit bears witness with my spirit
Home for me will always be where you are.
Ps: may I come home? 

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5a)

"I keep going back to my yahoomail,like I'm expecting your next short mail message.
Like my heart is looking for "its lost twin" (lol),
Now I ask myself why I'm doing that.
Like I'm waiting for a miracle or something,
Funny . does it sound funny. I hope not, I hope so.
I dont know sha...but all I want is just to see you again or hear your voice or hold something which I would know, sorry, that my heart would know is from you...from your heart.
I love you Maureen,
Day by day , it dawns on me more and more.
I love you and really it doesnt make sense, this intensity...but should it make sense?
If it does, maybe I wont be able to love you this much, but whatever...
thats the important thing ,,,yeah?
loving you like life depends on it...cause it seems more and more like it does."


It was obvious, all attempts at objective evaluation had become impossible, I liked the woman waay too much. So I prayed to The Almighty, the most gracious , most merciful thanking him for this woman who seems to have all the basics in place, readily acknowledged my growing inability to objectively evaluate the relationship and pleading with Him to step in and scatter the union if it were not right.

Having thus prayed, like the rest of humanity before me and countless after, I relegated my default cognitives to the background, afterall I have prayed. To my credit, I however, did one last objective check...

I've known her since school days. We were not friends, at best acquitances as She was a friend of a friend. Were we to sum up all of the time we chatted in school, it wouldn't be up to an hour. After graduation, we'd bump into each other in chat rooms. I added her to my Yahoo messenger, she would often call my phone out of the blues. I'd promise to call back but never did. She was a regular chat friend on Y! Then one day, I started thinking differently about her.

We arranged a hook up one saturday. She came to see me at the gym on her way to work. I knew she was older by like 11 months but She looked much older and aged than I remembered, her ankara shirt looked like it had seen better days. (I dont consider myself a shallow somebori but I knew that if I had not been impressed by her brilliance before our face to face, it would have been a no show). We talked about this and that and she had to leave. I offered to drive her down but she needed to see someone first.

You see then, I had a plum job and too much money than I intelligently knew how to spend (seriously), moreover it was a demanding job that gave me lil time for socializing. She had this job where they paid her like NGN20 or 25,000 and worked her to the bone. To be able to save NGN5k out of it per month, she dared not miss the staff bus. My colleagues were only interested in chics equally earning fat salaries but I knew the important thing was the stuff inside the person. I knew the major reason I'd want my wife to work was to earn experience, both professionally and in dealing with people, to prevent her from turning into 'Your Friendly Neighbourhood Gossip' and definitely not primarily for what she earned or not. Even if she'll be working for free, I'd rather she worked anyways.

Some fateful day, I asked this woman out.

I mentioned her to my brother whose only concern was "I hope she doesnt have an accent o" (lol). I proudly gave the phone to her; I knew his fears would be laid to rest. ( She isnt from our side of the niger, you see)He took to her like a duck to water.

I bought her a phone then like mine on the same network and it became our "intercomm"-free weekend calls and unlimited sms. We would chat and text for hours. I seriously had her on the brain. Some nine months later, she got a real plum job with serious benefits. I was elated.

Once when I was talking to my friends about her, they all started laughing hysterically. I failed to see the joke. "Mancee, you should hear yourself, you are absolutely ridiculous! We've never heard you talk about a female like this since we've been together from the university. You must really love this woman o etc". I knew I loved her very much. she did always tell she loved me too.

It wasnt all rosy but ... like five months after the asking out, I felt convinced that THIS indeed was the woman for me.

I knew that IF the basics were in sync,and two people want to do someting together, nothing could stand in their way. Moreover, when those two people were practising Believers. The sky was just a starting point. In addition, I had the creator and the whole of creation behind me; watching out for me, afterall i have kept the faith I have stuck to the holy writ, I have played fair, I had not drunk out of another man's cistern. I had kept myself, I had readily let go of others at much personal pain and cost to make sure I stayed on the long, narrow and less used path.

The week I made up my mind to ask her the BIG question, I bought some cards, some candles, and a bouquet of 'faux floeur'; but we had no prolonged moment of peace, though I saw her every day. This went on for two weeks. Then out of the blues "Mancee?", "...yeah?", " shay you know you've not asked me to marry you?".

I sighed, smiled and told her I've wanted to ask her for the past 2 weeks but I couldnt find any moment of prolonged peace to. Anyways, I asked her then; sans 'effizy', sans 'glitz'(-definitely not my plan !).

She said 'yes!'