Friday, October 30, 2009
To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5d)
**Long Post Alert**
These are my rules of engagement
"I NEVER mess with free will." Only what you truly want for yourself by yourself is sustainable.
Right or wrong? I say 'Do whatever pleases you-as long as you don't hurt anyone without their permission'
"I will never hurt you without ur permission, neither will I let you hurt me without my permisssion
'Sir, sorry to interrupt you but I beg to differ. I don't believe anyone of us is in a position to say Maureen's choices are wrong or right. The important thing here is to ask her what she wants. If a grown person her age has to apologise for her choices out of courtesy then she might as well apologize for being alive as our choices are what define us. Which is where I come in, NOBODY should ever have to apologize for being alive. Nobody'.
Maureen's uncle was dazed. I had been silent all the while they bashed her and now I was seemingly defending her. He had asked what the problem was and I had said there was none. This was just two adults making up their minds about a way forward for their lives... And the man had gone off ranting about wifely roles and responsibilities...
I withdrew into myself and ruminated on the events of the 2 years of marital bruhaha...
Wedding eve. Pastor asks us what's on our mind. She says the event of the morrow. I say I'm anxious-about her capacity to hold on to negatives and keep malice.
4 days later.HONEYMOON. Saga of the two tumblers. Wifey accusses me of leaving 2 used glass cups for her to wash! Makes a big issue out of it! (yes, she's heard about hotels and room service). I failed to understand what the issue was-seeing we could call Housekeeping for new cups-but I guess there was a lesson to be taught 'Mancee, house work is a no go'.
After that, I clowned, sang, flipped, stood on my head, begged but she won't talk to me again till we left. End of honeymoon.
Her uncle had to Wade in before she loosened up...days later. apres honeymoon.
(which action? of course there was no action...!)
I ask for a joint account to be administered by her- I give 70% of my take home, she 30% of hers. My salary was almost double hers. She refused saying she can't put her money into running the house or any investment-as it was my job. OK.
Months later, I'm offered a juicy real estate on the outskirts of town, staggered payment. It was a no brainer- but I wanted to do this right. I asked wifey's opinion. She says no, its too far for us. So I turned it down out of respect for her. 2 months later she calls me up to help her make an installmental payment as she couldn't get away from work-she'll reimburse me later. I found out later that she had gone ahead to buy land in the same vicinity for a higher sum and never
told me about it! WONDERFUL!!!
Oh! The fights, the arguements-were harrowing. Debating with her isn't fun- chic takes things too personal. You'd hear her ranting and shouting on me. "Maureen, don't shout on me. I don't shout on you neither have you ever heard me shout on anyone before. Gimme that respect and don't shout on me". For where?! Lol
Have I mentioned the many people from Uni I ran into at weddings and occasions who on learning who I married would laugh (I'm serious) and say somethin like 'men! I wish you well o','I never believed anyone could marry that girl o' etc. One even referred me to Shakespeare's 'To tame a shrew'. I couldn't fight or bicker as I was battling those same things back home.
She once told me she was waiting for me to go have an affair so she can have a Christian ground to divorce me. I couldnt (still don't) understand why she'd say that.
Oh! The sex?! It was phenomenal.
We did it total of like 10 times (ok, let's be generous and say a dozen times) all in the first year. None in the 2nd. Bear in mind, yours truly never had sex before marriage.( Though I was just a technical virgin, I still have rights. Shay?)
Once I had pain urinating. My doctor brother recommended some tests which showed I had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). The pharmacist asked me to go bring the wife, and girl friend. I laughed it off (with pain in my heart).
Do I think she cheated? Dunno, but I'd rather attribute it to her very unimpressive personal hygiene. I bought 2 sets of drugs, for each of us, she refuses, arguing typically)that she had no infection. A month later I had to rush her to the hospital late at night from intense kidney pains,s tayed by her side all through the next day; missed my business flights and had to reschedule my many meetings till another fortnight and cancel some. Afteral family was first.
Why wasn't I re-infected? D'uh! WE DONT DO SEX,that's why.
She said she was a virgin before we married. I had to ask her for confirmation 8months after we married. Just for the knowledge. Between her and me. She flared up and called her father (!) saying I was accussing her of infidelity. LWKMD.
I never hear.
I remember her mum shouting on me "'mancee, your wife is a good girl, you married her as a virgin".
"Mummy, if anyone should be telling the other, I should be telling you; NOT you me". Abi?
I remember the intense sadness when she told me she was pregnant. This was definitely not my life was planned. The angst was too much, but I continued hoping for the best
I ask her to travel to the west to deliver and give baby a second nationality. She fights me on refusing to let us travel to study yet asking her to give baby a second citizenship.Hmmm. She refused to go o.
I remember with a shudder, when she fought me to take my car. Of course, I gave her the car. Afteral She was more important to me than the car.
Oh yeah! You should see our flat. Constantly a mess. I'd come back from my trips and spend the first week cleaning and arranging and ask her to please at least maintain the order. For where?! Househelp? In those days of being under fire from madam and the 'no talk, no sex, no food' sanctions? I was deathly afraid of 'doing' the help in a moment of temporary weakness o-a man can only be 'strong' for so long. Didnt want that on my records.Mba.
Can't count the counselling session! After a while, they became an obvious waste of time. The different people kept saying the same stuffs and wifey refused to bulge.
I used to be afraid to come home from my many trips. I'd wait and take the last flights back to Lagos. Lol. "The fear of Maureen's wrath was the beginning of longevity".
Each new year we were together, I'd pressure her for her growth points for the year and I'd support them. Every professional exam she did which her company didn't pay for, I made sure I did...and rooted for her all the way.
In all of these, I NEVER mentioned our travails to my parents. I kept believing it'll soon be over and we'd be happy. Didn't want anyone hating her unnecessarily-but I made sure her parents knew. I said to myself 'she'd listen to them'.
It all sounds like a nollywood excerpt Shay? Well, I lived it for real.
Oh! There was this one week of bliss. End of that week, I thanked her for the best one week of my life yet. She said she didn't expect it to last- true to her prophesy, the showdown resumed that night!
Wifey stopped cooking months after we married. When she does, na indomie. Standard. People get pot bellies after marriage. I got an ulcer.
I had 2 washing machines in the flat plus a washaman on retainership (who I had had for 3yrs before marrying her), maureen pursued the guy (he was too expensive) and in our years together, my only item of clothing she washed was a boxers lost amongst her clothes.
She was uncomfortable with my relationship with my friends, so, I 'stylishly' withdrew from them. Little did I know that my friends also noticed and all agreed to give me space if it'll make my marriage work. Well it didn't-please come back y'all *sob*
One can only run a marriage on UNWARRANTED OPTIMISM thus far.
Then the historic day when she told me 'I can never be the wife who cooks and cleans'. It finally dawned on me; my sweetheart had always known the way of the married woman all these while but had chosen to have nothing to do with them.
I agonized for a whole month on the findings. I could no longer deny it; it was obvious what the alternatives were. I called her, "Maureen, I think a separation will be in order..."
I went to my father, apologized for not telling him about all of this since and told him my decision "Daddy, I am not asking for your permission, I'm now tell you for your information and out of respect"
Of course , knowing her. I told everyone that I was the bad guy. I was the one who left. I KNEW she would slander me big time anyways.(She did) "whatever Maureen says I did or not, so it is". I really had lil tummy for 'He says, She says'. It wasn't a contest to be won.
So I moved out, paid 2 yrs rent on the apartment and left everything to her except my laptop and some clothes. I emptied my account to furnish my new nest and travel the world in an attempt to numb the pain till my
brother stopped me. Lol.
If there is a phrase to describe those 2+ years we were together, it'll be EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
Ps: I miss my daughter. *sigh*
I was there for ALL the prenatal classes. The nurses would tease me endlessly *chuckle*. Was VERY involved with the carrying, singing, feeding, daiper change and (oh!)the colic too.
I often wonder what I could have done differently - aside becoming a
puppet like her dad to her mum. The only workable alternative is to
not have married in the first, at least not her. Of cos I WAS angry at
Do I regret it? NO! No room for regrets in my life. Will I do it again
if I could? NEVER.
So now I try to heal while I await the legal time lapse before a
divorce is concluded.
Sure, I feel used. But is she a bad person? No (maybe a bitch, lol). I gave her the permission to hurt me by agreeing to marry her. I only wish she had told me what her choice of a wife was, we could have agreed from the onset that I couldn't be the sort of husband who could live with that.
Ah well...(c'est la vie). I have indeed achieved a whole lot...and all before I'm even 30years. lol.
pps:Is there a phrase like "Elder Bachelor?"
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