Friday, October 30, 2009

To All The Girls I've Loved Before (5d)

**Long Post Alert**

These are my rules of engagement

"I NEVER mess with free will." Only what you truly want for yourself by yourself is sustainable.

Right or wrong? I say 'Do whatever pleases you-as long as you don't hurt anyone without their permission'

"I will never hurt you without ur permission, neither will I let you hurt me without my permisssion

'Sir, sorry to interrupt you but I beg to differ. I don't believe anyone of us is in a position to say Maureen's choices are wrong or right. The important thing here is to ask her what she wants. If a grown person her age has to apologise for her choices out of courtesy then she might as well apologize for being alive as our choices are what define us. Which is where I come in, NOBODY should ever have to apologize for being alive. Nobody'.

Maureen's uncle was dazed. I had been silent all the while they bashed her and now I was seemingly defending her. He had asked what the problem was and I had said there was none. This was just two adults making up their minds about a way forward for their lives... And the man had gone off ranting about wifely roles and responsibilities...
I withdrew into myself and ruminated on the events of the 2 years of marital bruhaha...

Wedding eve. Pastor asks us what's on our mind. She says the event of the morrow. I say I'm anxious-about her capacity to hold on to negatives and keep malice.

4 days later.HONEYMOON. Saga of the two tumblers. Wifey accusses me of leaving 2 used glass cups for her to wash! Makes a big issue out of it! (yes, she's heard about hotels and room service). I failed to understand what the issue was-seeing we could call Housekeeping for new cups-but I guess there was a lesson to be taught 'Mancee, house work is a no go'.
After that, I clowned, sang, flipped, stood on my head, begged but she won't talk to me again till we left. End of honeymoon.
Her uncle had to Wade in before she loosened up...days later. apres honeymoon.
(which action? of course there was no action...!)

I ask for a joint account to be administered by her- I give 70% of my take home, she 30% of hers. My salary was almost double hers. She refused saying she can't put her money into running the house or any investment-as it was my job. OK.

Months later, I'm offered a juicy real estate on the outskirts of town, staggered payment. It was a no brainer- but I wanted to do this right. I asked wifey's opinion. She says no, its too far for us. So I turned it down out of respect for her. 2 months later she calls me up to help her make an installmental payment as she couldn't get away from work-she'll reimburse me later. I found out later that she had gone ahead to buy land in the same vicinity for a higher sum and never
told me about it! WONDERFUL!!!

Oh! The fights, the arguements-were harrowing. Debating with her isn't fun- chic takes things too personal. You'd hear her ranting and shouting on me. "Maureen, don't shout on me. I don't shout on you neither have you ever heard me shout on anyone before. Gimme that respect and don't shout on me". For where?! Lol

Have I mentioned the many people from Uni I ran into at weddings and occasions who on learning who I married would laugh (I'm serious) and say somethin like 'men! I wish you well o','I never believed anyone could marry that girl o' etc. One even referred me to Shakespeare's 'To tame a shrew'. I couldn't fight or bicker as I was battling those same things back home.

She once told me she was waiting for me to go have an affair so she can have a Christian ground to divorce me. I couldnt (still don't) understand why she'd say that.

Oh! The sex?! It was phenomenal.
We did it total of like 10 times (ok, let's be generous and say a dozen times) all in the first year. None in the 2nd. Bear in mind, yours truly never had sex before marriage.( Though I was just a technical virgin, I still have rights. Shay?)

Once I had pain urinating. My doctor brother recommended some tests which showed I had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). The pharmacist asked me to go bring the wife, and girl friend. I laughed it off (with pain in my heart).
Do I think she cheated? Dunno, but I'd rather attribute it to her very unimpressive personal hygiene. I bought 2 sets of drugs, for each of us, she refuses, arguing typically)that she had no infection. A month later I had to rush her to the hospital late at night from intense kidney pains,s tayed by her side all through the next day; missed my business flights and had to reschedule my many meetings till another fortnight and cancel some. Afteral family was first.
Why wasn't I re-infected? D'uh! WE DONT DO SEX,that's why.

She said she was a virgin before we married. I had to ask her for confirmation 8months after we married. Just for the knowledge. Between her and me. She flared up and called her father (!) saying I was accussing her of infidelity. LWKMD.

I never hear.

I remember her mum shouting on me "'mancee, your wife is a good girl, you married her as a virgin".
"Mummy, if anyone should be telling the other, I should be telling you; NOT you me". Abi?

I remember the intense sadness when she told me she was pregnant. This was definitely not my life was planned. The angst was too much, but I continued hoping for the best

I ask her to travel to the west to deliver and give baby a second nationality. She fights me on refusing to let us travel to study yet asking her to give baby a second citizenship.Hmmm. She refused to go o.

I remember with a shudder, when she fought me to take my car. Of course, I gave her the car. Afteral She was more important to me than the car.

Oh yeah! You should see our flat. Constantly a mess. I'd come back from my trips and spend the first week cleaning and arranging and ask her to please at least maintain the order. For where?! Househelp? In those days of being under fire from madam and the 'no talk, no sex, no food' sanctions? I was deathly afraid of 'doing' the help in a moment of temporary weakness o-a man can only be 'strong' for so long. Didnt want that on my records.Mba.

Can't count the counselling session! After a while, they became an obvious waste of time. The different people kept saying the same stuffs and wifey refused to bulge.

I used to be afraid to come home from my many trips. I'd wait and take the last flights back to Lagos. Lol. "The fear of Maureen's wrath was the beginning of longevity".

Each new year we were together, I'd pressure her for her growth points for the year and I'd support them. Every professional exam she did which her company didn't pay for, I made sure I did...and rooted for her all the way.

In all of these, I NEVER mentioned our travails to my parents. I kept believing it'll soon be over and we'd be happy. Didn't want anyone hating her unnecessarily-but I made sure her parents knew. I said to myself 'she'd listen to them'.

It all sounds like a nollywood excerpt Shay? Well, I lived it for real.

Oh! There was this one week of bliss. End of that week, I thanked her for the best one week of my life yet. She said she didn't expect it to last- true to her prophesy, the showdown resumed that night!

Wifey stopped cooking months after we married. When she does, na indomie. Standard. People get pot bellies after marriage. I got an ulcer.

I had 2 washing machines in the flat plus a washaman on retainership (who I had had for 3yrs before marrying her), maureen pursued the guy (he was too expensive) and in our years together, my only item of clothing she washed was a boxers lost amongst her clothes.

She was uncomfortable with my relationship with my friends, so, I 'stylishly' withdrew from them. Little did I know that my friends also noticed and all agreed to give me space if it'll make my marriage work. Well it didn't-please come back y'all *sob*

One can only run a marriage on UNWARRANTED OPTIMISM thus far.

Then the historic day when she told me 'I can never be the wife who cooks and cleans'. It finally dawned on me; my sweetheart had always known the way of the married woman all these while but had chosen to have nothing to do with them.

I agonized for a whole month on the findings. I could no longer deny it; it was obvious what the alternatives were. I called her, "Maureen, I think a separation will be in order..."

I went to my father, apologized for not telling him about all of this since and told him my decision "Daddy, I am not asking for your permission, I'm now tell you for your information and out of respect"

Of course , knowing her. I told everyone that I was the bad guy. I was the one who left. I KNEW she would slander me big time anyways.(She did) "whatever Maureen says I did or not, so it is". I really had lil tummy for 'He says, She says'. It wasn't a contest to be won.

So I moved out, paid 2 yrs rent on the apartment and left everything to her except my laptop and some clothes. I emptied my account to furnish my new nest and travel the world in an attempt to numb the pain till my
brother stopped me. Lol.

If there is a phrase to describe those 2+ years we were together, it'll be EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Ps: I miss my daughter. *sigh*
I was there for ALL the prenatal classes. The nurses would tease me endlessly *chuckle*. Was VERY involved with the carrying, singing, feeding, daiper change and (oh!)the colic too.

I often wonder what I could have done differently - aside becoming a
puppet like her dad to her mum. The only workable alternative is to
not have married in the first, at least not her. Of cos I WAS angry at

Do I regret it? NO! No room for regrets in my life. Will I do it again
if I could? NEVER.
So now I try to heal while I await the legal time lapse before a
divorce is concluded.

Sure, I feel used. But is she a bad person? No (maybe a bitch, lol). I gave her the permission to hurt me by agreeing to marry her. I only wish she had told me what her choice of a wife was, we could have agreed from the onset that I couldn't be the sort of husband who could live with that.

Ah well...(c'est la vie). I have indeed achieved a whole lot...and all before I'm even 30years. lol.

pps:Is there a phrase like "Elder Bachelor?"

Sent from my iPhone3GS


  1. Wow i remember the last time i comment on your post, i was shouting congrats like a hyena when i heard u were getting married..

    You have truly been through alot. Wow i don't even know what to say. They say time heals all wounds,i hope you get better with time..

  2. (warning probable long comment ahead)

    i'm sorry this happened to you. a friend once told me that the one fear he had was that a girl would keep up the pretence until he had married her and its too late.

    one the other hand, i am not good at all that mushy stuff so i'm going to be real. did you not know? there are always signs. did you never visit her house? you said her attire left much to be desired. even with a limited salary, a girl (unless that girl is me) will still make an effort. how long were you dating before you proposed? and what was the 2 weeks with no prolonged peace that kept you from proposing the way you wanted? did you feel age was not on your side? tired of being a technical virgin?

    i'm sorry about your daughter. you will miss her but hopefully her mother will not attempt to phase you completely out of her life. and it was mighty noble of you to not play the blame game. i still think you're too good to be true, but i'll let you have your moment....

    of course this could all be made-up and i'm wasting my sympathy on some never married roving-eye casanova who knows how to spin a good yarn. :)

  3. oh darn thats what i get for making long comments. wanted to be first :( BSNC you no dey sleep??!!

  4. *stunned speechless....*

  5. Mmm mancee, all the best in moving on. You've been through alot and gave it your best... It takes time, but you will heal.
    Im also having issues with God as i loved and got emotional abuse in return :( We'll be just fine :) and wiser *wink*

  6. Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry 4 what u went through. Eiiiiiiii, like Fabulo-la i'm a bit speechless.

    I hope you fully heal from this, good luck and God bless

  7. @incoherent......ur comment kept ringing in my head......u seem too good to be true mancee but

    If this is true......there had to be signs!!!!

    I feel sorry for your little girl, but dont you want to raise her?

    Aren't you afraid she will turn out like your soon to be ex- wife. just like she took after her mother

    Is it fair to say she never even loved you? that
    she just wanted a sperm donor

  8. I'm still speechless. ManCEEE!!!!

  9. WOW!!




    i might be back after i pick my jaw off the floor


  10. MANCEE!
    I am shocked to hell!
    I cannot even gather my thoughts well enough to say something understandable... but are there women like that???????? JEEZ! This was an over kill! I am deeply and very sorry that this sort of thing happened to you. I don't know what to say honestly. I am sorry.

  11. >>BSNC
    I hope so too...though I wonder what 'better' would look like; seeing that I'm 'wiser' now than before.
    Would better mean being the wonky I was before? *chuckle*

    Benefit of hindsight-there were some pointers. BUT I made excuses cos I believed we wanted the same thing. I've asked myself many times, were someone to tell me that she was going to be so bitchy based on past records would it have made a difference?
    NO! it wont. I'd probably convince them and myself that that was in her past and doesn not matter-only the future does. I WOULD NOT HAVE HEEDED.
    Moreover, there was that part of 'Mancee, dont you think you give up rather easily on these relationships?"

    Your comment on being too good to be true hurts somewhat. WHy? Cos, I've asked myself over and over and over again 'what else could I have done?'
    I even issued a challenge to all those who knew us then to find me something I should have done, and I'll prove that I had done it and done it well.

    Well I used to wish it was just make believe too. lol

    ps: you sef no dey sleep? *chuckle*


    >>Lil Miss Thang & Nsoroma
    Moving on I'm trying to do. Heal, I still wonder what that would look like. Would it mend the broken dreams? The many years of preparing to be the 'perfect' husband and father?
    I honestly wonder...

  12. >>ttlolla
    THERE WERE SIGNS-I was 'in love', I was stupid. I made excuses.
    More and more \i see value in what the ancients used to do when they'll travel to inquire about a person's pedigree and lineage before proposing. lol

    She told me she loved me a few times back then-now I wonder what that meant. I think somewhere, sometimes, the lure of professional chic-dom brought out and fueled her inner most desires and voila.
    I do believe she married more out of a percieved need to 'prove' to herself and others that she can. I think marriage was wrong for her.

    Honest to God, you've broached my greatest fear in this whole matter- I wish to God I can keep that lil woman away from her gran ma. But that is wishful thinking.
    I can only hope I can point her in the way of objective, logical much as that is possible.
    One thing I'm drumming into her is 'YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MARRY'. such that if she still decides to she'll go in because she wants to and is prepared to do the job. Lets face it, not everyone can do that responsibility.

    >>Myne Whitman

    would be waiting. lol

    >>Nice Anon
    You remind me of when I had to tell my father the whole saga-the look on his face made me want to laugh.
    It was a mix between 'incredulity and disgust'
    I could almost hear him asking himself- "Is this boy really my child?"

    Mon people, thanks for letting me share
    Much appreciated.

  13. @ mancee i actually feel you on that. never been married but i've been in crappy relationships and things that happened were stuff i should've seen coming cuz the signs were there. i just didnt pay attention. and yeah, i was one of those people who felt you gave up a little too easily before (well...u no no on ur blog he he). and i too, because i felt i hadnt taken chances when i should have, took chance when i shouldnt have. but hey you live you learn. you have a daughter n given the track record of the females with the responsibility of bringing her up may be too good to be true (yep i still stand by my opinion that you cannot possibly be as awesome as you make yourself out to be) but do right by your daughter. be the father figure missing in a lot of women's lives and when she's with u, ensure you surround her with "real" women. they dont have to be your girlfriends. your sisters (if you have any), cousins, aunts, friends, colleagues you respect. let her compare and contrast. kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.

    relationships blow. i've decided chicks are the way to go but same-sex marriage arent legal plus i'm too damn straight for my good! oh well spinsterhood it is!

  14. Mancee, I can talk now. LOL

    I don't think for a moment that your ex is as you've described her here. I go by the truth that you can never judge a two person issue by hearing from one side.

    I'm only glad you guys did not extend it, most people stick at marriage even when it is not working. I never could understand that so I admire your courage.

    I hope you finally find the happiness you wish for. All the best.

  15. And so we come to why Chapter 5 needed parts a, b, c, and d!

    Allow me to laugh at the comments that wonder if your story is true! Fellow readers, you have to take it on trust, if not then there is no point in reading 80% of the blogs we are addicted to.

    Mancee, I will say this till I'm blue in the face, you have to make sure that the loss of your marriage does not dictate the pace of teh rest of your life. You said you aren't yet 30 which means you have a long life ahead of you by the grace of God, do not waste the gift of your life. Learn any lessons that need learning and then get on with it.

    I have no standing to talk, my longest relationships last for months only and when they fail I feel like crap, so I know what I'm asking of you is a big deal but you have to do it!

    Your focus now is your daughter, never let her doubt your love for her and be in her life always! I'm not just talking about academic results and where she is spending her holidays, I mean her friends, her hopes, her fears, her favourite tv programs! It shall be well....

  16. But Mancee sef. How could you have fallen so in love with her so much so that your eye kon blind follow? I am hmmmmmmmm'n on all that she was doing surely again i ask please "are there women like this??"

    See you should have ended up with all those chics but you didn't .. can we say na over choosy choosy now abi wetin? I don't know sha. I know for a fact that you aren't a"pure" saint in all of this BUT it seems she wasn't a good match for you to begin with. Even after all the things people were saying still you married her! na wa o!
    I guess single folks like us have to bear that phase in mind that "when a man wants you nothing will stop him"

    Somehow you have to move on and love again. Like Incoherent said surround that little girl with good women that way she will turn out to have good head on her shoulders.

    I wish you were my brother so that i can shake you over and over again.

  17. this seems interesting i ll go back and read now
    be beck

  18. Sorry I have been missing all these while...been losing myself deep in work and fighting a flu/malaria combo. :-)

    Stop saying stuurvs like"too good to be true"-aint no such thing. Plus I aint all that-anyone who knows me remotely KNOWS I dont think myself that much different from the average guy-this madam just made my 'wowoh' glow beside her crappiness is all.
    You have given great advice per surrounding my young woman with Real Women ( I wonder what that is)-I think its a thot worth pursuing. I've been worried stiff per the girl picking up despicable attitudes and views.
    Thanx again.

    You have spoken well and there is little fault with your reasonning. Twas the same reason for which It took me so long to write these things-did not want to sound 'all that'. Hence this DILUTED version of my marriage-experience. lol, yep! you heard right...'diluted'.
    That being as it may, I still refuse to say she's a bad person-everyone has a right to his/her choices of 'how to' live life. I only wished she had been fair enof to let me know b4 we entered the union. abi?

    I feel you on the 'true' part of our blog gists. *chuckle*
    thanks for standing up for me.
    Will always invent ways to show the girl how much I love her-while taking special care NOT to spoil her just to entice the girl or anything like that.
    Yeah, people keep telling me to 'move on', I will eventually-when my PS3 lets me out of my flat some more. lol.

    >>Nice A
    Lol at shake over and over again.

    lol, hurry back, will ya.

    ps: I recently uncovered a deep deep plot to hitch me with an intern attached to me at work. The Plotters? My boss and colleagues. Lol. These fellas were serious about this...complete with meetings and 'progress reports'. Na wah..
    Tis kinda flattering tho, but sorta unsettling too.E don reach like that? Does my existence look that pathetic already? LMAO

    Thanx Peeps

  19. mancee darl you ARE pathetic! and i still insist say you dey photoshop yourself :) i'd love to read those "progress reports"

    good luck with moving on.

  20. >>inco,
    Hmmm...talking pathetic.
    Read ur blog...whateva you do, stay away from the ledge.

    >>Nice Anon
    Read your blog. Now I feel you on a different and I NEED to talk. More for my sake than yours , I think.
    Whatchasay, eh(Bush Girl, lol)?

  21. These things to do happen- my friend always says that.

    There are 2sides to every story.

    Never the less......take the lesson learned and walk.

    Time will eventually heal......just let it ALL go.

    Everything happens for a reason.

  22. ~hugs~ I have found that writing heals. Slowly, but it works :)


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