'You no well, who gi you permission use the line sef'
'Ol boy, leave dat side...or you wan begin dey claim copyright?'
'ehen now, abi?'
'Okay, shebi na the proceed una go divide...givam one round with the V-Yansh now'
'Salir, you sef no well...'
We all laughed.
Much as you think you know Shaggy, the guy still manages to surprise you. If someone had said Shaggy would get a coitus offer and turn it down, I would have laughed the person down to hades and beneath. This is Shaggy, he NEVER discriminates.
'Meanwhile Shaggy, why you no wan do the girl sef...?'
'Mancee, Me? I no fit o. What if I do finish and she no come gree go again. I no wan makesomebody dey come cry for my head say I do am evil o'
'...and since when did that start troubling you? remember Cynthia, Joke, Dola, Nne...?'
'Bros, leave story for tortoise. Those ones dey different now, no mind their drama. I took nothing that wasnt already gone. Abi Salir? AND na you I dey pity o, you no say na you dem dey meet for house come cry for'
'Yes o Shaggy. Mr Self Control'
They hit fists laughing.
I'm asking myself...what would I have done differently if I had been in Shaggy's shoes? I really wish I knew for sure.
'Shag, I think you should do the woman. Na bed She wan bed you not wed you', said Salir.
Shaggy 'Salir,Salir, well said. You have a point o'. Another fist hitting.
'D two of you no well o'
'ok Mancee, wetin you talk?'
'Well, for starters, you know I dont really believe being a virgin says anything about a person aside that. Too many technical virgins out there for the nomenclature to be of any real value. Moreover, it is no indication of whether the individual is a good person or not...so, V or no V...a woman is a woman and should be related to without the V-cloud'.
Shaggy stands 'Bros-es, I suppose waka. I wan check somebody for next street...'
'Shaggy and Sons', Salir and I chant simultaneosly...
ONE WEEK LATER
I had been away for like 5 days on a business trip to the south. Amaka came to the house and asked for Shaggy, told her to wait for him. Chit chat, this and that, and I find myself wondering if it was true that the drop dead gorgeous female in front of me was actually a virgin. Na wah o. 'wonders shall never end'.
Shaggy comes in later and ushers her out. He isnt back till late. He comes in with that tell tale grin on his face...I recognised the malady :'brag-litis'. He needed minimal prompting to talk...
'So ...that was Amaka V-Yansh' I said non chalantly
'Not anymore', Shaggy's grin was in 'chesire cat' mode-it had spread from ear to ear...
I nearly choked on my drink '...you mean...'. The boy was so joyed he couldnt talk and just managed to nod his head vigorously.
Somehow, she had convinced him (or he had convinced her?) that it was going to be a "no-frills" shag. He said she begged him to de-flower her and teach her all about shagging. lol. Shaggy even had to draw up a 5week (!) curricula of two shag sessions per week spanning various 'positions and techniques'.
She was merely 'getting an education', he was Shaggy and 'merely' doing her a favor.
I never see.
End of the five weeks, Shaggy wants to move on. (tis a surprise he could stick with the same female for that long-he said it was because she was a good student !).
Amaka asked for an extension...
Shaggy agreed (against our collective disapproval). One day he goes to pick her up at home for another 'class'. While waiting in the living room, he overheared her mum call him her husband. He did not hear Amaka contest it. Shaggy panicked, freaked out, and asked to use the toilet. He called me -from the toilet- asking what to do. lol
Well, though I would readily kill the guy a lotta times, he's still my guy now abi?.
'Do the migraine routine...'
That class was cancelled-due to a rather curious bad case of migraine.
After two weeks of 'migraine', Amaka got the gist-she came to complain to me. (I really need to leave home more often...)
...And like a lotta other beautiful divas before her-Cynthia, Joke, Dola, Nne etc...ManCee had to bear the tearful sobs, give the 'sob-soothing' shoulder, offer the soothing kleenex, get a cab-and pay- while promising to 'talk to' Shaggy.
And another one bites the dust...
...another dis-illusioned woman unleashed unto an unsuspecting world...
...One more excuse to give God for stabbing Shaggy to death in his sleep.