...Musing

Hi,
For some reasons, I've been going through our mail-gists till date and consequently feel a certain sense of closeness to you.
It seems its like 10,000 years since I last spoke with you...so why dont I call? I dont know (!)
*deeply confused look*
Thinking of you makes me smile, okay, sometimes laugh.
What this means exactly I sincerely do not know. But one thing is certain, I have definitely grown closer to you than I might otherwise admit to myself or anybody else for that matter.
Why am I even writing this? I've bothered to ask myself. I do not know why. But a word keeps coming to mind 'premonition'. No! Don't ask me what that means (either) or its relevance-I honestly do not know.
*sigh*
I have , of course, tried to psycho analyse you. I have wondered about you endlessly. Do you know I think about you often? Whats your tale? Where have you been?What makes you smile? what makes you sad? What are your dreams? What are your fears? How can I help?

I have listened to you , like I haven't to anyone in a while. and I have found you a wonderful woman. Of course not perfect (who is?) but a wonderful woman. Someone who I would readily wish I had known at least 3 years before now...maybe my life would have had a better chance at happiness than right now...Maybe I'll still know of a certainty how to initiate and return happiness to others from my heart.

I have tried to read between the lines and make sense of the many hours we've spent talking, writing, laughing and sharing each others' days and events. I can only say this much 'I appreciate you'. I am grateful for the chance to have known you, to have been singled out by you for the shower of attention, to have been given the opportunity to share a part of your life. It both amuses me and gladdens my heart; all at the same time.

If not for the many bags and baggage I carry around, I might even have been able to love you like a wonderful person like you deserves. it grieves me to smithereens when I think about it. I have half expected ( and maybe hoped) that, somehow, you'd grow weary of talking to me and fizzle out. Cos I know I may never be able to do that myself. I see many bright, smiles and laughter filled years in your life and often wonder if I might be holding you back from living it; and often times if I'm meant to OR will be privileged to be a part of it...

Ma'am, You have been and are a blessing to me. All of these somehow add to my grief and to the thought that I'm just being a selfish oaf. I feel bad that I may not be able to offer you all you deserve in return nor even be able to sincerely make a heart-felt promise to. Don't get me wrong, the desire is there to...but the reality of the many strings with which I am still entangled and in whose shadow I seem to still dwell weighs heavily on my heart. Thinking of you sometimes then make me sad.
That said. Allow me to re-iterate that everything I have ever said to you have been true, sincere and heartfelt-to the best of my knowledge.

I cant ever erase from my faculties the picture of you as a flower in bloom that wants to and needs to be shielded and cared for. Taken indoors and shown off with utmost pride while its fragrance and beauty illuminates the lives that encounter it.

I'm gravely and sorely tempted to think the healing my heart seeks may be found with you, and my heart likes the idea too...did I hear you say 'selfish bastard'?, LOL I agree too.

Dear lady, this much is certain though; whatever happens, wherever I am, at whenever - the time I've been privileged to spend with you will always be some of my fondest.

Yeah I know, I may not be making sense at all. *chuckle*

Hope you are okay and your heart is at peace.
*wide heartfelt smile*

Na me,

ManCee