"Mancee, Have I lost you? Are you going to leave me? Do you still love me?"
"I love you Rukay, but I can’t go through life constantly watching my back and wondering what next I'll unearth round the next corner..."
=======================================================================
So I was going to be away from school for at least 6 months-if ASUU didn’t pull anything funny out of its hat, as it would normally do.
We hugged and I promised to visit as often as I could afford to. I left with her last words ringing in my ears. "Mancee, if tomorrow, you stop loving me, please tell me immediately-don’t keep me guessing". I hugged her and left wondering where
She got the thought from; you see I entered this not even with the notion of "Let’s see how it goes", I was in with no reservations.
I remembered with a smile how on St. Valentines day, she had remarked that I seem to be more excited about the relationship than normal. I wondered what that meant- I guess she expected the famous Mancee to be a bit more aloof. lol.
Where I was in my faraway station, we would find ways of scheduling call times. She would go into the township to wait for my calls...I would queue up faithfully at the NITEL boots to faithfully make my calls to my sweetheart. (Of course this was before gsm phones became affordable for the masses).
Then gist started filtering to me - gist I thought impossible. How can my Lovely babe have such secrets? You see, in the week of our official engagement, knowing in my heart that I wanted to do this right; I had called for a "Tell-It-All" session. I encouraged her to tell me ALL about her past that I wasn’t aware of and I told her ALL of my issues, the good, the bad and the ugly. She did too, or so I thought. I told her her past wasn’t that important to me IF they were indeed her past but that we needed to know everything about each other thus ensuring deeper trust and giving each the choice to decide if he/she could live with those things. No surprises.
It all got to a head however, in the fourth month and I couldn’t intelligently ignore the unsolicited rumors anymore, so I delved into my savings for a trip back to school.
Later that night, I asked her “Rukay, is it true that...?"
After a while, she started crying saying it was true.
My heart broke.
I cried too, 'Why? Rukay why? Why did you hold this from me?’. ‘I’m sorry Mancee, I'm sorry...'. 'Rukay, I told you nothing in your past mattered to me and I so needed to trust you...why Rukay?'
"Mancee, have I lost you? Are you going to leave me? Do you still love me?"
I held her closely "I love you Rukay, but I can’t go through life constantly watching my back and wondering what next I'll unearth round the next corner...I'm sorry but I just cant. I sooo need trust and openness in any relationship.
'Mancee', she said in between sobs. 'If you don’t leave me, I promise I'll love you forever...'. My heart wept, more than my tear-macerated eyes could un-dam. But I knew I couldn’t go on...I just couldn’t...
I left next day for my station-convincing myself that it was for the best...afterall, trust was so not negotiable. I made her a promise though, that were she to hear the true gist from anywhere else, she can be sure it did not come from Mancee. That was a promise she could trust and take to the bank. And I kept it too. After all, friends keep each other's secrets. Innit?
My friends were worried about me though, seeing that when I finally did decide to foray into a real relationship I had to meet with this obstacle which I wouldn’t talk about...
My dear Rukay is since married with a kid. Of course we are still friends, of course I was invited to the wedding and of course I was there with pictures to prove it.
:-)
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
***interlude*| "TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE" ***interlude*
For every tear I say
is laughter unbirthed
For every sigh breathed
Is a hundred smiles aborted
For every kiss given
is a thousand more to be recieved
In every hope of finding smiles
Must be greater faith of finding
I daresay, if I may, the judgement day
Should be on what love was left to waste
Which friendship we left to fade
Which kisses were left to fate
And fail rather than pursued with utmost faith
So theres the heartbreak that may come
But though the heartbreak is possible
Even more so is the heart being fulfilled
"Walk away my heart", you say?
To tow the safe lonely way
But how often do we want for joy
Just because we let go of life's buoy
when we could stand so deep in joy
and with joy dish out love to all
-Mancee
is laughter unbirthed
For every sigh breathed
Is a hundred smiles aborted
For every kiss given
is a thousand more to be recieved
In every hope of finding smiles
Must be greater faith of finding
I daresay, if I may, the judgement day
Should be on what love was left to waste
Which friendship we left to fade
Which kisses were left to fate
And fail rather than pursued with utmost faith
So theres the heartbreak that may come
But though the heartbreak is possible
Even more so is the heart being fulfilled
"Walk away my heart", you say?
To tow the safe lonely way
But how often do we want for joy
Just because we let go of life's buoy
when we could stand so deep in joy
and with joy dish out love to all
-Mancee
Sunday, September 6, 2009
TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (3)
We were introduced in our fresh man years
I often called her my sister
lets call her 'Roku'
I now call her the best girlfriend I never had...
We were in the same faculty and shared a few courses. She was a pretty girl who had more than her fair share of baby fat-for which I teased her endlessly. Whenever I teased her about something (which was quite a lot), she would promptly smack me on the upper arm and look straight ahead like nothing happened. If my teasing was especially gritty, she would say (after the smacking) 'I hate you', to which I would reply ' I love you too'.
Most of my uni days, I had very little interest in going out with anyone but I was always with plenty females (for which a lotta folks could swear Mancee had more game than I could ever hope to have in ten different lifes). I did make it a point of duty to point out to all my female friends exactly what we had-just friendship. Of them all, Roku was the one I enjoyed spending time with the most.
I really did enjoy being with her. When we were on holidays, I'd go to her house to hang out. she'd write down some of the hilarious stuffs that happened while we were apart and share with me, I'd also recount mine. I was quite friendly with her mum and of cos younger brothers. I had even met her father who rarely showed face to her friends. When I wrote my short stories and poems back then, guess who I gave them to to read first. Yep! Roku. Of our group then, were I to say something witty, she I could bet on, would 'get it' and vice versa. She was the first person to ever describe me laughing. *chuckle*.
It was her I'd share my voyages of mis-chief with first. Oh, practical jokes? (these were many, not a few) Roku was first choice- of course some were on her. Most of the stuff I enjoyed with her was just like I did with my sisters thus she earned the title of 'my sister'. In class, we would often 'chat' on pages of foolscap folded in two- I'd write and pass to her, she to me etc etc etc. We'd make fun of lecturers, ourselves, the weather...anything. Some of those transcripts were so funny, I developed the gist and used them in some of my Event-MC roles.
Once when I gave her a poem for criticism, she said "Mancee, you write very well, why dont you collect these writings...?". Of course, I did scoff at the idea but got a notebok and started collecting nonetheless.
I always had her back. Was always asking after her and what her CGPA was. This was one of the sources of our few quarrels. I was convinced that she was waay to bright for the academic performance band she was on and she was convinced that I was being an "Over-expecter". Lol
Dont get me wrong, i wasnt exactly a swot-contrary to popular belief- I mean I always crashed for all of my exams. Just couldnt stick that consistent reading model. I would ask her to make the effort to study a tiny bit more than she was doing. NO! If she wasnt in choir practice, one church service or the other, she was reading a best seller. once in our first year, during my scheduled overnight crashing time for a test next morning, I found out that she couldnt answer the basic calculation questions!!! I spent the night running through the course with her. Needless to say, we both failed the test and THAT was the last time we studied together. *chuckle*.
More often than not, there were many guys per time asking for her hand. from Church Head to Club Chief- This got to a head in our part three when I feared she may balk under the pressure and just give in to some random guy. I felt a great need to do something about it-afterall she was my sister. So I called a rendezvous, just the two of us. She came looking absolutely smashing in a flowing ankara gown. I still remember her blushing face when I commended her getup. She came looking too dressed up for a casual meet so I felt a need to 'set things straight', so I started my gist with 'Roku, you are a good woman and would make a good wife for somebody someday but not me..." and went on to the main body of my gist. She didnt 'gree' for anyone of the guys.
Two years later in our part five and one offical girlfriend later, I was to ask for Roku's hand. Somewhere during the years since our famous talk, it did dawn on me that I was in love with Roku. That in fact, I had always been in love with her without recognising it!. I feared that she may refuse me and that it might split our group in twain, so I checked with my guys first and they all wondered why the two of us never got together since. The females felt same way too...So I sprung the question on Roku.
She was surprised and didnt try to hide it. She started avoiding me and once when I asked for feedback, she asked for 'more time'. Then came my birthday party and Roku was all over the place; shopping, coordinating, cooking, serving. Everone had started teasing us as 'Husband and wife'. lol. I liked it-surprisingly.
Two months later, I called for a 'sit-down'. I wanted an official answer-no assumptions. She reminded me of our part3 meeting and my opening line. I remembered, of course-*sigh*. She told me that back then, she was so so in love with me it sucked. Each day, she would expect me to 'say something', but I never did. Then came our lil chat, after which she started telling herself that I just dont love her like that, that she was just like a sister to me. Now over two years later, just when she was finally ridding herself of the last flakes of such emotions for me, I'm asking her to rewind again. She said she had tried but just cant seem to be able to get beyond the 2-year long daily programming.
Thus ended our love affair before it even began. Maybe I could have insisted, maybe I could have persisted. Maybe...now we'll never know.
Saddest part of it all was that it did split our group. Everyone against her, asking 'whats wrong with her sef!'. I had to start pleading for no one to hold it against her, but to blame me-for being older than my age.
Roku is now married. Of course she demanded I come to her wedding. Of course I was there-with pictures to prove it. Of course I looked for her mum my friend and hugged her-didn't realise I had missed the woman that much. *chuckle*.
Heard she gave birth a couple of months ago (I really should call her)-I only hope the dude knows how special she is. Funny enough, my mind finds it hard to remember her new surname. lol.
This here is to you Rokus, best girlfriend I never had. Cheers.
I often called her my sister
lets call her 'Roku'
I now call her the best girlfriend I never had...
We were in the same faculty and shared a few courses. She was a pretty girl who had more than her fair share of baby fat-for which I teased her endlessly. Whenever I teased her about something (which was quite a lot), she would promptly smack me on the upper arm and look straight ahead like nothing happened. If my teasing was especially gritty, she would say (after the smacking) 'I hate you', to which I would reply ' I love you too'.
Most of my uni days, I had very little interest in going out with anyone but I was always with plenty females (for which a lotta folks could swear Mancee had more game than I could ever hope to have in ten different lifes). I did make it a point of duty to point out to all my female friends exactly what we had-just friendship. Of them all, Roku was the one I enjoyed spending time with the most.
I really did enjoy being with her. When we were on holidays, I'd go to her house to hang out. she'd write down some of the hilarious stuffs that happened while we were apart and share with me, I'd also recount mine. I was quite friendly with her mum and of cos younger brothers. I had even met her father who rarely showed face to her friends. When I wrote my short stories and poems back then, guess who I gave them to to read first. Yep! Roku. Of our group then, were I to say something witty, she I could bet on, would 'get it' and vice versa. She was the first person to ever describe me laughing. *chuckle*.
It was her I'd share my voyages of mis-chief with first. Oh, practical jokes? (these were many, not a few) Roku was first choice- of course some were on her. Most of the stuff I enjoyed with her was just like I did with my sisters thus she earned the title of 'my sister'. In class, we would often 'chat' on pages of foolscap folded in two- I'd write and pass to her, she to me etc etc etc. We'd make fun of lecturers, ourselves, the weather...anything. Some of those transcripts were so funny, I developed the gist and used them in some of my Event-MC roles.
Once when I gave her a poem for criticism, she said "Mancee, you write very well, why dont you collect these writings...?". Of course, I did scoff at the idea but got a notebok and started collecting nonetheless.
I always had her back. Was always asking after her and what her CGPA was. This was one of the sources of our few quarrels. I was convinced that she was waay to bright for the academic performance band she was on and she was convinced that I was being an "Over-expecter". Lol
Dont get me wrong, i wasnt exactly a swot-contrary to popular belief- I mean I always crashed for all of my exams. Just couldnt stick that consistent reading model. I would ask her to make the effort to study a tiny bit more than she was doing. NO! If she wasnt in choir practice, one church service or the other, she was reading a best seller. once in our first year, during my scheduled overnight crashing time for a test next morning, I found out that she couldnt answer the basic calculation questions!!! I spent the night running through the course with her. Needless to say, we both failed the test and THAT was the last time we studied together. *chuckle*.
More often than not, there were many guys per time asking for her hand. from Church Head to Club Chief- This got to a head in our part three when I feared she may balk under the pressure and just give in to some random guy. I felt a great need to do something about it-afterall she was my sister. So I called a rendezvous, just the two of us. She came looking absolutely smashing in a flowing ankara gown. I still remember her blushing face when I commended her getup. She came looking too dressed up for a casual meet so I felt a need to 'set things straight', so I started my gist with 'Roku, you are a good woman and would make a good wife for somebody someday but not me..." and went on to the main body of my gist. She didnt 'gree' for anyone of the guys.
Two years later in our part five and one offical girlfriend later, I was to ask for Roku's hand. Somewhere during the years since our famous talk, it did dawn on me that I was in love with Roku. That in fact, I had always been in love with her without recognising it!. I feared that she may refuse me and that it might split our group in twain, so I checked with my guys first and they all wondered why the two of us never got together since. The females felt same way too...So I sprung the question on Roku.
She was surprised and didnt try to hide it. She started avoiding me and once when I asked for feedback, she asked for 'more time'. Then came my birthday party and Roku was all over the place; shopping, coordinating, cooking, serving. Everone had started teasing us as 'Husband and wife'. lol. I liked it-surprisingly.
Two months later, I called for a 'sit-down'. I wanted an official answer-no assumptions. She reminded me of our part3 meeting and my opening line. I remembered, of course-*sigh*. She told me that back then, she was so so in love with me it sucked. Each day, she would expect me to 'say something', but I never did. Then came our lil chat, after which she started telling herself that I just dont love her like that, that she was just like a sister to me. Now over two years later, just when she was finally ridding herself of the last flakes of such emotions for me, I'm asking her to rewind again. She said she had tried but just cant seem to be able to get beyond the 2-year long daily programming.
Thus ended our love affair before it even began. Maybe I could have insisted, maybe I could have persisted. Maybe...now we'll never know.
Saddest part of it all was that it did split our group. Everyone against her, asking 'whats wrong with her sef!'. I had to start pleading for no one to hold it against her, but to blame me-for being older than my age.
Roku is now married. Of course she demanded I come to her wedding. Of course I was there-with pictures to prove it. Of course I looked for her mum my friend and hugged her-didn't realise I had missed the woman that much. *chuckle*.
Heard she gave birth a couple of months ago (I really should call her)-I only hope the dude knows how special she is. Funny enough, my mind finds it hard to remember her new surname. lol.
This here is to you Rokus, best girlfriend I never had. Cheers.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (2b)
...For E-Babay. From the archives. Twas untitled. Cant think of a suitable title now...maybe you can help... :-)
"I awoke today missing you
I saw you
I touched your pretty face
Ran my fingers through your silky hair
I looked into your smiling eyes
I saw love gazing back at me
Scent of your hair assailed me
And longing welled up within me
I desired to hold you close
I ceased to be content with the rays
I wanted to live in your glow
I asked for more of the warmth
But when I reached out to draw you
I clasped only flimsy air
Just air,
and
The clouds grew dark and lonesome
The sun was suddenly gone on vacation
To some wonder island awaiting us.
Cumulus, in unison with my heart
Cried like never before today
For we are drifting-most lonesome
Knowing company is faraway across the niger"
-Mancee
"I awoke today missing you
I saw you
I touched your pretty face
Ran my fingers through your silky hair
I looked into your smiling eyes
I saw love gazing back at me
Scent of your hair assailed me
And longing welled up within me
I desired to hold you close
I ceased to be content with the rays
I wanted to live in your glow
I asked for more of the warmth
But when I reached out to draw you
I clasped only flimsy air
Just air,
and
The clouds grew dark and lonesome
The sun was suddenly gone on vacation
To some wonder island awaiting us.
Cumulus, in unison with my heart
Cried like never before today
For we are drifting-most lonesome
Knowing company is faraway across the niger"
-Mancee
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