Friday, March 15, 2013


So many things in this life seem to be competing for one's sanity.

From love matter, to hate matters.

Money or the lack thereof...tis funny how opposites can have the same harrowing effect on your mind. Then I learnt that the same parts of the brain interpret pain and pleasure...that's why some folks can derive pleasure from other people or their own pain. Hmmm

I have had moods and swings so bad that I did infact feel quite unwell.

Someone told me to decide on a reason for my existence. I liked the thought till it dawned on me that that was silly...I didn't make my life so what do I know about the 'why' I'm here? Whats that supposed to be? 'Reverse Engineering'? Mtscheew.

The closest I've gone to reverse engineering my self, life and head is to ensure that I remain sane as much as the definition for that allows. 

To keep from going completely mad, I had to settle and agree with myself on some immutable facts, chief of which was that everything was exactly as I allow myself to perceive it...thence commenced years of setting the datum. What is normal? I discovered that I was a very capable individual though I routinely doubted myself. I spent years researching and asking questions of others. From why do you think we are here to how long is considered 'normal' in love making (true story).

Something I do... A mix of visualization, positive thoughts and reinforcement;

I call it 'airing my mind'. I imagine opening the doors and windows to my mind for cross ventilation and let the breeze carry the 'yama yama' away. Sounds simple but it effing works. 

When I feel I'm thinking too much, I do a technique I 'invented' which I call a thought-loop. Simple technique. I tell myself to think about nothing, then ask myself to think about that, THEN ask myself what I'm thinking about...the answer? I'm thinking about what I'm thinking about which is that I'm thinking about what I'm thinking about which is that I'm thinking about what I'm thinking about etc etc....the end answer to that is "I'm thinking of nothing".

Those two help and have kept me sane. Now I do them without even 'thinking'. Like my mind knows when to switch to "auto", as part of the 'System maintenance protocol'.

One of my new ogas said they should nickname me "Smiley" coz I'm always smiling. I laughed out loud and patted myself on the back. Those tortuous years waging my private battles have indeed paid off. I made it. (But what of the many who didn't/ will not...)

I'm still here today with gratitude to The Most High as proof that we can rise above our personal deamons. I do understand that some of us do need more help than others to stay sane...but i5t is achievable.

From being tormented by the multitude, I emerged from my ashes as a voice for the multitude. The flesh and blood of the multitude.



1 comment:

Talk make I hear...