TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (2a)

Sorry peeps, this is waaay overdue. I apologize. Thank you.

No. She wasn’t the finest person I had seen. Nor was she the most eloquent. She wasnt the nicest, funniest, most fun, religious person ever. On a lot of levels she was pretty average. But she was a woman who found a way to love me at my most unlovable (I think) and did with all of herself.

E-babay, like I fondly called her was just a phenomenon in herself, all by herself. She had this absolute adoration of me that often worried me till I got used to it and learnt to actually appreciate it. If Mancee said so, so it was or not. Mancee is never wrong. Sometimes I'm amazed at the absolute lack of guile in that woman. No she wasn’t a naive person by any inch; infact she had gone through quite a rough patch in life but had somehow come through it all with her head held mostly high. She was one of those people I'd willingly celebrate; people who recognise the pain in the world, have had more than their fair share of it and inspite of it all still choose to be smilers. For me these are the true unsung heroes.

You must understand that this was during my youth service, a time of intense smoldering anger for me against a lot of things too numerous to mention. A period when I was trying to make my own way and define myself without recourse to my parents for financial help. Needless to say, I suffered not a few, though I was damn too proud to admit it to anyone. There were many adays when I'd go without some meals and I re-discovered the 'beauty' of sliced bread and mayonnaise...Oh I forgot, You were not there in the beginning....
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\|….

I was president of our Community Development (CD) group in the state. Her set was the one after mine and I had the task of showing them the ropes on camp. I took it further by ensuring that they all got settled well in the state before they have to make their own way. Of course, by then I had quite a network breadth and depth amidst the NYSC community and I leveraged on this extensively to get relatively good placements for each of my members and accommodation when they left camp on passing out day.

"So people, as your president, everyone's accommodation is my responsibility at least for the first few days till you find your feet and if you need anything, call my gsm...I'm certain I'll know someone who knows someone who can help"

Shouts of 'PRESIDO' went up admist thunderous cheering, complete with cat calls.

I had finished with everyone save her. She told me not to worry about her as she had enough money on her to book a hotel room. I would hear none of it. I told her if she thought I was going to leave her like that then she had another think coming. I eventually settled her with a female friend who lived in a small room. It was a last resort as it was getting late. I did feel like I was imposing on my friend but she assured me it was okay.

With an intention to 'buffer' their having to be together, I would go to their place after work and gist with them before heading home. My friend's boyfriend was usually around and I often found myself alone with her. We got talking and enjoying it. I don’t remember how...but we kissed one night, in the dark. It was beautiful.

She was later to ask me why I did not take her to my place that first night as opposed to going through such hoops to get her a place, or was there a girl living with me? I laughed out loud at this and took her to my place that night.

While we made out in my room, she said "Mancee, I love you". I rebuked her, saying she didn’t know what she was talking about as that word wasn’t to be used lightly. We made out some more and it started getting rather intense. I backed down. She asked why. I told her I didnt want to have sex with her. I could see the pained look in her eyes as she looked in mine looking for a reason. I told her I wasn’t down with having sex, protection or not. She clearly communicated to me that she did not understand. All the while we were together, we did not have intercourse.

I remember once while I was washing my clothes and she was visiting, she commented on my rippling muscles and came to sit behind me on the low stool. She ran her hands over my bare chest for a while and later slid into my boxers where she, of course, met a 'stiff opposition'. “You are very hard", she remarked in a surprised tone. "What were you expecting...?" I queried. "Why then don’t you want to have sex?". I told her it was a decision I made to myself to attempt to stay away from the usual rot associated with corp members and NYSC service year. After this event, she stopped asking for sex saying now she was satisfied that it wasnt that I couldn’t get it up…! Me! *aghast*. As an aside, I think I kinda compensated during our ‘Touchery’ sessions. *wink*

Often, I'd wonder how I got so lucky to have her. She was an exceptional person in herself. She made enough money from holding down two jobs in lagos (!). NYSC was just a formality. She had this killer figure and had done some modeling for a while. All I had to offer her was just my plenty dreams (I admit, some were waaay beyond me) and weird ways. When she's in lagos, she’d call me up every day (gsm was still expensive then) and we'd chat endlessly. I was the primary reason she came to that state when she does. She took an interest in every thing I liked. She’d clap her hands in glee whenever I read her poetry written for her. She made me feel like a King of kings. She'd try to give me money when I was broke (which was often, lol) and I'd vehemently refuse. I was waay too proud to. The "why don’t you want to take money from me", quickly became" Mancee, why do you keep pushing me away? Why don’t you want me to share in your pains too..."

Aside the money quarrels. Our next big thing was religion. She wasn’t taking it as ‘seriously’ as I wanted her to. She'd often wonder why I was making a big deal out of religion. I have forgiven myself, you see, and I think you may forgive my stupidity too... but we did break up. Guess why! Of course good old opium of the people; religion.

The week we broke up, (this was after NYSC), I was a mess. I smelt her perf everywhere I went. I heard her voice in every call. Every woman looked like her! In fact I had to leave my office for the whole day once when a female client came to sit in front of me and all I could see, hear, smell in her was E-babay. This kinda ish one only reads in magazines and books but I lived it for like 2 weeks. She did call me to make up and my heart wanted to beg her to come back, promise her the heavenlies and the four corners of the earth. Rather, I heard my head saying "I believe that there is no future in this if we can’t agree on religion".
The only consolation, if any, was that we broke up just a week before I landed a really plum appointment. Thus it was hard to say I dumped her when I got ‘big’ etc etc
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Present day

'E-Baby!, What a surprise. How you dey? Wasn’t expecting YOU to call me...'
She laughs. My! That laughter
'Abi?! If you sha wont call us. Big boy, you've forgotten all your peeps'
'Me? haba! Why you go talk like that now...you know it 'didn’t' possible for me to 4et my peeps now. Howz bros?
'He's fine o...'
We launch into like an extra 3 minutes of friendly banter. I've always loved gisting with her.
'Mancee?', 'yeah..?'
'Do you remember when...'
And it was like someone reached behind me and switched off all the ambient noise, dimmed the lights to a lustful glow and put on some Teddy Pendergras complete with candlelight flames dancing. Girlfriend was recounting the good times we had and asking if I remembered. I laughed uneasily and quickly changed the topic. Please tell me she's kidding! Who could forget...?". "How can I EVER forget...?"
===================================================
She got wedded like 6 months after our split to a big bros who had always been on her case all the while. She didn’t tell me. I found out in a rather ugly way. I called her and asked why she didn’t tell me. She said she believed I didn’t want anything to do with her again. (!) When she told me who it was, I laughed and she retorted that "...when you said you werent doing anymore"

I remember when we met again, a year after her wedding. She was on a marketing run near my office. I went to see her commenting her looks and she reciprocating. We hugged, friendly hug intended, felt her linger on the hug. I did too. We hugged some more (yes it was full frontal this time). She asked me to kiss her and I longed to. I must have used up like a year's supply of self-control not to hungrily kiss her right there in that covered entrance.
‘She is married’, said my head to my stupid heart and hard loins. I smiled at her and slid away. She gave me a shy smile and asked me to again. I hardened my face and said through clenched teeth (more for my sake than hers) ‘You are a married woman’. "You and self control sha...”, she sighed, and smiling, shook my outstretched hands. I avoided her for another year or so after that.
We are still ‘friends’, no I’ve never met her husband nor been to her house, neither has she been to mine. We’d talk now and then-though not so often; she used to 'report' her husband to me (lol) and I’d tell her to calm down and try to explain things to her from a guy’s view point etc etc.

A lot of times did I regret our break up especially for the reasons it happened. My life hasn't exactly validated that decision you see...

E-Babay,
You loved me (still do?) in a way no woman has ever; when I had nothing to offer, hardly two dimes to rub together for long, no fancy restaurant date, no glistening trinket could I afford, all I had and which you readily accepted was just me, my not-so-white-anymore gapped dentition and boyish smile and my lofty dreams and aspirations. I pray no one will ever have cause to love me in such circumstances- I guess that means your space in my biography is well secured. Stay smiling.

TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (1)

Tis silly the kind of things one remembers, but I’ll never forget the ending of her last letter to me

"With Love,

Chine ABC,
The girl who came, who saw and conquered your story-loveable heart"

I never quite got round to asking her what 'story loveable heart' meant *sigh*. I guess its too late now-she's 6 years married with 2 boys; her 'soldiers' she calls them. *chuckle*

We met at an extra coaching school I enrolled in with my gang in SS3. My gang planned to maintain a low profile but we started answering too many questions correctly. Suddenly, our gang of skin-headed lads in neatly ironed white starched uniforms who kept to themselves became quite an item. Even if I say so myself, our mix of brains and brawl was unusual. She came after me, I guess she noticed.

I tried to push her away but was captivated by her bright mind. She stuck on me and I learnt love from her.

She was the 'Head Chic In Charge' of the clique from her school. I led mine. It was a natural fit. Did I mention she had a genuinely bright mind? And quite pretty too. veeery long hair, almost my height. She had a deep throat laughter which always sounded like music and had a way of looking at me. When shes mad at me, she'd call my full name-lol, then I'd know something was amiss. She loved me; more than I understood love.

She used to call me her soul mate (!). We got same JAMB scores for the same course in different universities! She believed in me way more than I did me.

We were together for 2 years plus. We split during our second years in the university.

Why? I think I was just being older than my age. I went to her school and asked what we were doing with the relationship. Where do we plan to take it to-she is from across the Niger. I said I was ready to fight my parents if need be, were they to oppose our being together. She said she couldn’t go against her mum's wish. She is an only daughter of 6 kids.

I said we couldn’t go ahead then as it was just a waste of time. She did try to reach me but I wouldn’t let her. I ached for almost a year over the choice. I decided I loved her enough to make the sacrifice of letting her go. I did not want to waste her time I said to myself; afteral everyone knows women tend to age faster than the males. I wanted her to be able to open up to someone else (who she could have a future with) and all.

I ran into her on her fifth wedding anniversary at an eatery.. We reminisced for like 2 hrs catching up. She wasn’t exactly happy with her life. She asked me why we didn’t just elope back then. I refrained from saying "hunger might have killed our asses". I didn’t encourage the thought though, changed the topic and offered to drop her off at her destination.

I would have loved to still be able to call her up, go to her house and just gist. Meet her husband (who by the way is much older than us), buy gifts for her 'soilders', and generally hang out but I don’t trust that that will do anyone any good.

Fine girl, you became a standard in many ways. For me, you are the first. You occupy a part of me that can never be replaced. I'll always think of you fondly.

ps: We never did 'it'.

...Musing

Hi,
For some reasons, I've been going through our mail-gists till date and consequently feel a certain sense of closeness to you.
It seems its like 10,000 years since I last spoke with you...so why dont I call? I dont know (!)
*deeply confused look*
Thinking of you makes me smile, okay, sometimes laugh.
What this means exactly I sincerely do not know. But one thing is certain, I have definitely grown closer to you than I might otherwise admit to myself or anybody else for that matter.
Why am I even writing this? I've bothered to ask myself. I do not know why. But a word keeps coming to mind 'premonition'. No! Don't ask me what that means (either) or its relevance-I honestly do not know.
*sigh*
I have , of course, tried to psycho analyse you. I have wondered about you endlessly. Do you know I think about you often? Whats your tale? Where have you been?What makes you smile? what makes you sad? What are your dreams? What are your fears? How can I help?

I have listened to you , like I haven't to anyone in a while. and I have found you a wonderful woman. Of course not perfect (who is?) but a wonderful woman. Someone who I would readily wish I had known at least 3 years before now...maybe my life would have had a better chance at happiness than right now...Maybe I'll still know of a certainty how to initiate and return happiness to others from my heart.

I have tried to read between the lines and make sense of the many hours we've spent talking, writing, laughing and sharing each others' days and events. I can only say this much 'I appreciate you'. I am grateful for the chance to have known you, to have been singled out by you for the shower of attention, to have been given the opportunity to share a part of your life. It both amuses me and gladdens my heart; all at the same time.

If not for the many bags and baggage I carry around, I might even have been able to love you like a wonderful person like you deserves. it grieves me to smithereens when I think about it. I have half expected ( and maybe hoped) that, somehow, you'd grow weary of talking to me and fizzle out. Cos I know I may never be able to do that myself. I see many bright, smiles and laughter filled years in your life and often wonder if I might be holding you back from living it; and often times if I'm meant to OR will be privileged to be a part of it...

Ma'am, You have been and are a blessing to me. All of these somehow add to my grief and to the thought that I'm just being a selfish oaf. I feel bad that I may not be able to offer you all you deserve in return nor even be able to sincerely make a heart-felt promise to. Don't get me wrong, the desire is there to...but the reality of the many strings with which I am still entangled and in whose shadow I seem to still dwell weighs heavily on my heart. Thinking of you sometimes then make me sad.
That said. Allow me to re-iterate that everything I have ever said to you have been true, sincere and heartfelt-to the best of my knowledge.

I cant ever erase from my faculties the picture of you as a flower in bloom that wants to and needs to be shielded and cared for. Taken indoors and shown off with utmost pride while its fragrance and beauty illuminates the lives that encounter it.

I'm gravely and sorely tempted to think the healing my heart seeks may be found with you, and my heart likes the idea too...did I hear you say 'selfish bastard'?, LOL I agree too.

Dear lady, this much is certain though; whatever happens, wherever I am, at whenever - the time I've been privileged to spend with you will always be some of my fondest.

Yeah I know, I may not be making sense at all. *chuckle*

Hope you are okay and your heart is at peace.
*wide heartfelt smile*

Na me,

ManCee

GRAND TUSSLE (II)

"We shall overcooome..."
Overcome what? ourselves?
The song makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
Cry for what I once believed in and held dear
Laugh for the 'ridiculousity' of dreams and hopes and...

One often fancied a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel...
Now it seems the global recession has hit everywhere
Someone must have switched it off to save power
Now we embrace the ensuing dark
We remember its warmth
The all-inclusive nothingness-No
One does not grope in the dark,
For we are dark-tis what we and all things were
Before it pleased Him to say "Let there be light"
And there was light.

Till then we walk as dark
Shrouded in our small strength
Which we know the winds'll blow away soon
For we are dark
Till he says the word
When it pleases Him to say the word
that the word may be a lamp unto our path

IF it pleases Him.
When it pleases Him.

GRAND TUSSLE (I)

(...from the archives; a fork in the road situation and a period of great pain)
:-)


If I lose my reason
Will it be for my soul?
If I lose my soul?
Will it be for a reason...

When events refuse the Master Plan
Frustration we've discovered, grows titanically
Prods you to deviate from the chosen path
And find in the melee; a whole new foothold

Waltzing to the dance of existence
Be often times like the tango
The many years of preparation
Suddenly dont matter on the dance floor
If associates neglect to step in tune
To Life's complicated melody
The strong man is labelled a weakling
For want of a decent mate, all fails
The sequence of steps, it fails

When the Chief Imam whitelists pork
Is this progress or recession
Is it dying or finally living
Does one revel in the new awareness
or solemnly weep in ashes

"We have kept the faith
We ran the course
We fought a good fight"
But the trip would suddenly pale in attraction
If the reward be only in the heavenlies

You who made all with a word
You who orchestrates from a higher floor;
See, the world crumbles, the structures tumble
Whats to be done, how does one stay strong
For there's an ongoing struggle, Sir
Grand tussle, a soul tussle.

ORINAYO

(...inspired by a dear 8 month old charmer I had the pure joy of baby sitting for some hours)


Tired and hungry
I stumbled into the room
My bungling wakes her
And she turns her head
Realising my error, I freeze

She blinks on seeing my bulky frame

Her cheeks gather and I see the beginning of a smile
She smiles, Oh Lord! She smiles
Her legs thrashing in joy on seeing me
-My hunger disappears,
My weary frame is energized
I move to her and squat
By her side and tickle her chin

“Boo!”, I say , smiling too
She laughs out loud rocking her lithe body
The world is at peace and nothing else matters
Just the laughing beauty starring at me
I kiss her on the forehead with my beastly lips
She looks lovingly into my face
Her smiles soften my wizened gaze

Lord God!
How she makes my heart sing for joy

I lay my weary head besides hers
She’s babbling something I can’t quite make out
She reaches out and strokes my nose-smiling
Her touch says all she can ever say in words
I’m smiling-mirroring hers
God bless her soul
This lil Smiles Dispenser.

-ManCee

LOVU WANTINTIN

(from the archives; wrote sometimes back when I really believed a particular relationship had a future, inspite of all the drama ...ah! well)



There's a way you call my name
My breath pauses in amazement

When I see you
My heart skips many a beat

This still puts me in wonder-
How does the coconut gets its water
Our palms the hieroglyphics

None can claim full awareness
We met them so…and like them
Of all our truths, this much is proven
Friendship is our support
Relationships our cloak

We know the Queen by the glitter of her tiara
A chieftain is stood out by his beads
There's a star, nay, two
Whose twinkle stand you out of ten thousands

When you have no one behind you
One falls like a Lackadaisical
With you, I strut like a ruling king

Look at the hoe, see its sharpness
We are ready to heap the ridges
I have seen the vision, beautiful queen
Our homecoming with the bountiful harvest
We who were thought unable to pitch a tent
See how the midday sun bathes our palace

You are my One
Of course yam cant replace pounded yam
You are my cloak
Come love me once more Beloved
I’ll peel yam on the fire, and
My amala making will span the whole street
In this Lovu wantintin feferity.