"Mancee, Have I lost you? Are you going to leave me? Do you still love me?"
"I love you Rukay, but I can’t go through life constantly watching my back and wondering what next I'll unearth round the next corner..."
=======================================================================
So I was going to be away from school for at least 6 months-if ASUU didn’t pull anything funny out of its hat, as it would normally do.
We hugged and I promised to visit as often as I could afford to. I left with her last words ringing in my ears. "Mancee, if tomorrow, you stop loving me, please tell me immediately-don’t keep me guessing". I hugged her and left wondering where
She got the thought from; you see I entered this not even with the notion of "Let’s see how it goes", I was in with no reservations.
I remembered with a smile how on St. Valentines day, she had remarked that I seem to be more excited about the relationship than normal. I wondered what that meant- I guess she expected the famous Mancee to be a bit more aloof. lol.
Where I was in my faraway station, we would find ways of scheduling call times. She would go into the township to wait for my calls...I would queue up faithfully at the NITEL boots to faithfully make my calls to my sweetheart. (Of course this was before gsm phones became affordable for the masses).
Then gist started filtering to me - gist I thought impossible. How can my Lovely babe have such secrets? You see, in the week of our official engagement, knowing in my heart that I wanted to do this right; I had called for a "Tell-It-All" session. I encouraged her to tell me ALL about her past that I wasn’t aware of and I told her ALL of my issues, the good, the bad and the ugly. She did too, or so I thought. I told her her past wasn’t that important to me IF they were indeed her past but that we needed to know everything about each other thus ensuring deeper trust and giving each the choice to decide if he/she could live with those things. No surprises.
It all got to a head however, in the fourth month and I couldn’t intelligently ignore the unsolicited rumors anymore, so I delved into my savings for a trip back to school.
Later that night, I asked her “Rukay, is it true that...?"
After a while, she started crying saying it was true.
My heart broke.
I cried too, 'Why? Rukay why? Why did you hold this from me?’. ‘I’m sorry Mancee, I'm sorry...'. 'Rukay, I told you nothing in your past mattered to me and I so needed to trust you...why Rukay?'
"Mancee, have I lost you? Are you going to leave me? Do you still love me?"
I held her closely "I love you Rukay, but I can’t go through life constantly watching my back and wondering what next I'll unearth round the next corner...I'm sorry but I just cant. I sooo need trust and openness in any relationship.
'Mancee', she said in between sobs. 'If you don’t leave me, I promise I'll love you forever...'. My heart wept, more than my tear-macerated eyes could un-dam. But I knew I couldn’t go on...I just couldn’t...
I left next day for my station-convincing myself that it was for the best...afterall, trust was so not negotiable. I made her a promise though, that were she to hear the true gist from anywhere else, she can be sure it did not come from Mancee. That was a promise she could trust and take to the bank. And I kept it too. After all, friends keep each other's secrets. Innit?
My friends were worried about me though, seeing that when I finally did decide to foray into a real relationship I had to meet with this obstacle which I wouldn’t talk about...
My dear Rukay is since married with a kid. Of course we are still friends, of course I was invited to the wedding and of course I was there with pictures to prove it.
:-)
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
***interlude*| "TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE" ***interlude*
For every tear I say
is laughter unbirthed
For every sigh breathed
Is a hundred smiles aborted
For every kiss given
is a thousand more to be recieved
In every hope of finding smiles
Must be greater faith of finding
I daresay, if I may, the judgement day
Should be on what love was left to waste
Which friendship we left to fade
Which kisses were left to fate
And fail rather than pursued with utmost faith
So theres the heartbreak that may come
But though the heartbreak is possible
Even more so is the heart being fulfilled
"Walk away my heart", you say?
To tow the safe lonely way
But how often do we want for joy
Just because we let go of life's buoy
when we could stand so deep in joy
and with joy dish out love to all
-Mancee
is laughter unbirthed
For every sigh breathed
Is a hundred smiles aborted
For every kiss given
is a thousand more to be recieved
In every hope of finding smiles
Must be greater faith of finding
I daresay, if I may, the judgement day
Should be on what love was left to waste
Which friendship we left to fade
Which kisses were left to fate
And fail rather than pursued with utmost faith
So theres the heartbreak that may come
But though the heartbreak is possible
Even more so is the heart being fulfilled
"Walk away my heart", you say?
To tow the safe lonely way
But how often do we want for joy
Just because we let go of life's buoy
when we could stand so deep in joy
and with joy dish out love to all
-Mancee
Sunday, September 6, 2009
TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (3)
We were introduced in our fresh man years
I often called her my sister
lets call her 'Roku'
I now call her the best girlfriend I never had...
We were in the same faculty and shared a few courses. She was a pretty girl who had more than her fair share of baby fat-for which I teased her endlessly. Whenever I teased her about something (which was quite a lot), she would promptly smack me on the upper arm and look straight ahead like nothing happened. If my teasing was especially gritty, she would say (after the smacking) 'I hate you', to which I would reply ' I love you too'.
Most of my uni days, I had very little interest in going out with anyone but I was always with plenty females (for which a lotta folks could swear Mancee had more game than I could ever hope to have in ten different lifes). I did make it a point of duty to point out to all my female friends exactly what we had-just friendship. Of them all, Roku was the one I enjoyed spending time with the most.
I really did enjoy being with her. When we were on holidays, I'd go to her house to hang out. she'd write down some of the hilarious stuffs that happened while we were apart and share with me, I'd also recount mine. I was quite friendly with her mum and of cos younger brothers. I had even met her father who rarely showed face to her friends. When I wrote my short stories and poems back then, guess who I gave them to to read first. Yep! Roku. Of our group then, were I to say something witty, she I could bet on, would 'get it' and vice versa. She was the first person to ever describe me laughing. *chuckle*.
It was her I'd share my voyages of mis-chief with first. Oh, practical jokes? (these were many, not a few) Roku was first choice- of course some were on her. Most of the stuff I enjoyed with her was just like I did with my sisters thus she earned the title of 'my sister'. In class, we would often 'chat' on pages of foolscap folded in two- I'd write and pass to her, she to me etc etc etc. We'd make fun of lecturers, ourselves, the weather...anything. Some of those transcripts were so funny, I developed the gist and used them in some of my Event-MC roles.
Once when I gave her a poem for criticism, she said "Mancee, you write very well, why dont you collect these writings...?". Of course, I did scoff at the idea but got a notebok and started collecting nonetheless.
I always had her back. Was always asking after her and what her CGPA was. This was one of the sources of our few quarrels. I was convinced that she was waay to bright for the academic performance band she was on and she was convinced that I was being an "Over-expecter". Lol
Dont get me wrong, i wasnt exactly a swot-contrary to popular belief- I mean I always crashed for all of my exams. Just couldnt stick that consistent reading model. I would ask her to make the effort to study a tiny bit more than she was doing. NO! If she wasnt in choir practice, one church service or the other, she was reading a best seller. once in our first year, during my scheduled overnight crashing time for a test next morning, I found out that she couldnt answer the basic calculation questions!!! I spent the night running through the course with her. Needless to say, we both failed the test and THAT was the last time we studied together. *chuckle*.
More often than not, there were many guys per time asking for her hand. from Church Head to Club Chief- This got to a head in our part three when I feared she may balk under the pressure and just give in to some random guy. I felt a great need to do something about it-afterall she was my sister. So I called a rendezvous, just the two of us. She came looking absolutely smashing in a flowing ankara gown. I still remember her blushing face when I commended her getup. She came looking too dressed up for a casual meet so I felt a need to 'set things straight', so I started my gist with 'Roku, you are a good woman and would make a good wife for somebody someday but not me..." and went on to the main body of my gist. She didnt 'gree' for anyone of the guys.
Two years later in our part five and one offical girlfriend later, I was to ask for Roku's hand. Somewhere during the years since our famous talk, it did dawn on me that I was in love with Roku. That in fact, I had always been in love with her without recognising it!. I feared that she may refuse me and that it might split our group in twain, so I checked with my guys first and they all wondered why the two of us never got together since. The females felt same way too...So I sprung the question on Roku.
She was surprised and didnt try to hide it. She started avoiding me and once when I asked for feedback, she asked for 'more time'. Then came my birthday party and Roku was all over the place; shopping, coordinating, cooking, serving. Everone had started teasing us as 'Husband and wife'. lol. I liked it-surprisingly.
Two months later, I called for a 'sit-down'. I wanted an official answer-no assumptions. She reminded me of our part3 meeting and my opening line. I remembered, of course-*sigh*. She told me that back then, she was so so in love with me it sucked. Each day, she would expect me to 'say something', but I never did. Then came our lil chat, after which she started telling herself that I just dont love her like that, that she was just like a sister to me. Now over two years later, just when she was finally ridding herself of the last flakes of such emotions for me, I'm asking her to rewind again. She said she had tried but just cant seem to be able to get beyond the 2-year long daily programming.
Thus ended our love affair before it even began. Maybe I could have insisted, maybe I could have persisted. Maybe...now we'll never know.
Saddest part of it all was that it did split our group. Everyone against her, asking 'whats wrong with her sef!'. I had to start pleading for no one to hold it against her, but to blame me-for being older than my age.
Roku is now married. Of course she demanded I come to her wedding. Of course I was there-with pictures to prove it. Of course I looked for her mum my friend and hugged her-didn't realise I had missed the woman that much. *chuckle*.
Heard she gave birth a couple of months ago (I really should call her)-I only hope the dude knows how special she is. Funny enough, my mind finds it hard to remember her new surname. lol.
This here is to you Rokus, best girlfriend I never had. Cheers.
I often called her my sister
lets call her 'Roku'
I now call her the best girlfriend I never had...
We were in the same faculty and shared a few courses. She was a pretty girl who had more than her fair share of baby fat-for which I teased her endlessly. Whenever I teased her about something (which was quite a lot), she would promptly smack me on the upper arm and look straight ahead like nothing happened. If my teasing was especially gritty, she would say (after the smacking) 'I hate you', to which I would reply ' I love you too'.
Most of my uni days, I had very little interest in going out with anyone but I was always with plenty females (for which a lotta folks could swear Mancee had more game than I could ever hope to have in ten different lifes). I did make it a point of duty to point out to all my female friends exactly what we had-just friendship. Of them all, Roku was the one I enjoyed spending time with the most.
I really did enjoy being with her. When we were on holidays, I'd go to her house to hang out. she'd write down some of the hilarious stuffs that happened while we were apart and share with me, I'd also recount mine. I was quite friendly with her mum and of cos younger brothers. I had even met her father who rarely showed face to her friends. When I wrote my short stories and poems back then, guess who I gave them to to read first. Yep! Roku. Of our group then, were I to say something witty, she I could bet on, would 'get it' and vice versa. She was the first person to ever describe me laughing. *chuckle*.
It was her I'd share my voyages of mis-chief with first. Oh, practical jokes? (these were many, not a few) Roku was first choice- of course some were on her. Most of the stuff I enjoyed with her was just like I did with my sisters thus she earned the title of 'my sister'. In class, we would often 'chat' on pages of foolscap folded in two- I'd write and pass to her, she to me etc etc etc. We'd make fun of lecturers, ourselves, the weather...anything. Some of those transcripts were so funny, I developed the gist and used them in some of my Event-MC roles.
Once when I gave her a poem for criticism, she said "Mancee, you write very well, why dont you collect these writings...?". Of course, I did scoff at the idea but got a notebok and started collecting nonetheless.
I always had her back. Was always asking after her and what her CGPA was. This was one of the sources of our few quarrels. I was convinced that she was waay to bright for the academic performance band she was on and she was convinced that I was being an "Over-expecter". Lol
Dont get me wrong, i wasnt exactly a swot-contrary to popular belief- I mean I always crashed for all of my exams. Just couldnt stick that consistent reading model. I would ask her to make the effort to study a tiny bit more than she was doing. NO! If she wasnt in choir practice, one church service or the other, she was reading a best seller. once in our first year, during my scheduled overnight crashing time for a test next morning, I found out that she couldnt answer the basic calculation questions!!! I spent the night running through the course with her. Needless to say, we both failed the test and THAT was the last time we studied together. *chuckle*.
More often than not, there were many guys per time asking for her hand. from Church Head to Club Chief- This got to a head in our part three when I feared she may balk under the pressure and just give in to some random guy. I felt a great need to do something about it-afterall she was my sister. So I called a rendezvous, just the two of us. She came looking absolutely smashing in a flowing ankara gown. I still remember her blushing face when I commended her getup. She came looking too dressed up for a casual meet so I felt a need to 'set things straight', so I started my gist with 'Roku, you are a good woman and would make a good wife for somebody someday but not me..." and went on to the main body of my gist. She didnt 'gree' for anyone of the guys.
Two years later in our part five and one offical girlfriend later, I was to ask for Roku's hand. Somewhere during the years since our famous talk, it did dawn on me that I was in love with Roku. That in fact, I had always been in love with her without recognising it!. I feared that she may refuse me and that it might split our group in twain, so I checked with my guys first and they all wondered why the two of us never got together since. The females felt same way too...So I sprung the question on Roku.
She was surprised and didnt try to hide it. She started avoiding me and once when I asked for feedback, she asked for 'more time'. Then came my birthday party and Roku was all over the place; shopping, coordinating, cooking, serving. Everone had started teasing us as 'Husband and wife'. lol. I liked it-surprisingly.
Two months later, I called for a 'sit-down'. I wanted an official answer-no assumptions. She reminded me of our part3 meeting and my opening line. I remembered, of course-*sigh*. She told me that back then, she was so so in love with me it sucked. Each day, she would expect me to 'say something', but I never did. Then came our lil chat, after which she started telling herself that I just dont love her like that, that she was just like a sister to me. Now over two years later, just when she was finally ridding herself of the last flakes of such emotions for me, I'm asking her to rewind again. She said she had tried but just cant seem to be able to get beyond the 2-year long daily programming.
Thus ended our love affair before it even began. Maybe I could have insisted, maybe I could have persisted. Maybe...now we'll never know.
Saddest part of it all was that it did split our group. Everyone against her, asking 'whats wrong with her sef!'. I had to start pleading for no one to hold it against her, but to blame me-for being older than my age.
Roku is now married. Of course she demanded I come to her wedding. Of course I was there-with pictures to prove it. Of course I looked for her mum my friend and hugged her-didn't realise I had missed the woman that much. *chuckle*.
Heard she gave birth a couple of months ago (I really should call her)-I only hope the dude knows how special she is. Funny enough, my mind finds it hard to remember her new surname. lol.
This here is to you Rokus, best girlfriend I never had. Cheers.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (2b)
...For E-Babay. From the archives. Twas untitled. Cant think of a suitable title now...maybe you can help... :-)
"I awoke today missing you
I saw you
I touched your pretty face
Ran my fingers through your silky hair
I looked into your smiling eyes
I saw love gazing back at me
Scent of your hair assailed me
And longing welled up within me
I desired to hold you close
I ceased to be content with the rays
I wanted to live in your glow
I asked for more of the warmth
But when I reached out to draw you
I clasped only flimsy air
Just air,
and
The clouds grew dark and lonesome
The sun was suddenly gone on vacation
To some wonder island awaiting us.
Cumulus, in unison with my heart
Cried like never before today
For we are drifting-most lonesome
Knowing company is faraway across the niger"
-Mancee
"I awoke today missing you
I saw you
I touched your pretty face
Ran my fingers through your silky hair
I looked into your smiling eyes
I saw love gazing back at me
Scent of your hair assailed me
And longing welled up within me
I desired to hold you close
I ceased to be content with the rays
I wanted to live in your glow
I asked for more of the warmth
But when I reached out to draw you
I clasped only flimsy air
Just air,
and
The clouds grew dark and lonesome
The sun was suddenly gone on vacation
To some wonder island awaiting us.
Cumulus, in unison with my heart
Cried like never before today
For we are drifting-most lonesome
Knowing company is faraway across the niger"
-Mancee
Friday, August 28, 2009
TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (2a)
Sorry peeps, this is waaay overdue. I apologize. Thank you.
No. She wasn’t the finest person I had seen. Nor was she the most eloquent. She wasnt the nicest, funniest, most fun, religious person ever. On a lot of levels she was pretty average. But she was a woman who found a way to love me at my most unlovable (I think) and did with all of herself.
E-babay, like I fondly called her was just a phenomenon in herself, all by herself. She had this absolute adoration of me that often worried me till I got used to it and learnt to actually appreciate it. If Mancee said so, so it was or not. Mancee is never wrong. Sometimes I'm amazed at the absolute lack of guile in that woman. No she wasn’t a naive person by any inch; infact she had gone through quite a rough patch in life but had somehow come through it all with her head held mostly high. She was one of those people I'd willingly celebrate; people who recognise the pain in the world, have had more than their fair share of it and inspite of it all still choose to be smilers. For me these are the true unsung heroes.
You must understand that this was during my youth service, a time of intense smoldering anger for me against a lot of things too numerous to mention. A period when I was trying to make my own way and define myself without recourse to my parents for financial help. Needless to say, I suffered not a few, though I was damn too proud to admit it to anyone. There were many adays when I'd go without some meals and I re-discovered the 'beauty' of sliced bread and mayonnaise...Oh I forgot, You were not there in the beginning....
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\|….
I was president of our Community Development (CD) group in the state. Her set was the one after mine and I had the task of showing them the ropes on camp. I took it further by ensuring that they all got settled well in the state before they have to make their own way. Of course, by then I had quite a network breadth and depth amidst the NYSC community and I leveraged on this extensively to get relatively good placements for each of my members and accommodation when they left camp on passing out day.
"So people, as your president, everyone's accommodation is my responsibility at least for the first few days till you find your feet and if you need anything, call my gsm...I'm certain I'll know someone who knows someone who can help"
Shouts of 'PRESIDO' went up admist thunderous cheering, complete with cat calls.
I had finished with everyone save her. She told me not to worry about her as she had enough money on her to book a hotel room. I would hear none of it. I told her if she thought I was going to leave her like that then she had another think coming. I eventually settled her with a female friend who lived in a small room. It was a last resort as it was getting late. I did feel like I was imposing on my friend but she assured me it was okay.
With an intention to 'buffer' their having to be together, I would go to their place after work and gist with them before heading home. My friend's boyfriend was usually around and I often found myself alone with her. We got talking and enjoying it. I don’t remember how...but we kissed one night, in the dark. It was beautiful.
She was later to ask me why I did not take her to my place that first night as opposed to going through such hoops to get her a place, or was there a girl living with me? I laughed out loud at this and took her to my place that night.
While we made out in my room, she said "Mancee, I love you". I rebuked her, saying she didn’t know what she was talking about as that word wasn’t to be used lightly. We made out some more and it started getting rather intense. I backed down. She asked why. I told her I didnt want to have sex with her. I could see the pained look in her eyes as she looked in mine looking for a reason. I told her I wasn’t down with having sex, protection or not. She clearly communicated to me that she did not understand. All the while we were together, we did not have intercourse.
I remember once while I was washing my clothes and she was visiting, she commented on my rippling muscles and came to sit behind me on the low stool. She ran her hands over my bare chest for a while and later slid into my boxers where she, of course, met a 'stiff opposition'. “You are very hard", she remarked in a surprised tone. "What were you expecting...?" I queried. "Why then don’t you want to have sex?". I told her it was a decision I made to myself to attempt to stay away from the usual rot associated with corp members and NYSC service year. After this event, she stopped asking for sex saying now she was satisfied that it wasnt that I couldn’t get it up…! Me! *aghast*. As an aside, I think I kinda compensated during our ‘Touchery’ sessions. *wink*
Often, I'd wonder how I got so lucky to have her. She was an exceptional person in herself. She made enough money from holding down two jobs in lagos (!). NYSC was just a formality. She had this killer figure and had done some modeling for a while. All I had to offer her was just my plenty dreams (I admit, some were waaay beyond me) and weird ways. When she's in lagos, she’d call me up every day (gsm was still expensive then) and we'd chat endlessly. I was the primary reason she came to that state when she does. She took an interest in every thing I liked. She’d clap her hands in glee whenever I read her poetry written for her. She made me feel like a King of kings. She'd try to give me money when I was broke (which was often, lol) and I'd vehemently refuse. I was waay too proud to. The "why don’t you want to take money from me", quickly became" Mancee, why do you keep pushing me away? Why don’t you want me to share in your pains too..."
Aside the money quarrels. Our next big thing was religion. She wasn’t taking it as ‘seriously’ as I wanted her to. She'd often wonder why I was making a big deal out of religion. I have forgiven myself, you see, and I think you may forgive my stupidity too... but we did break up. Guess why! Of course good old opium of the people; religion.
The week we broke up, (this was after NYSC), I was a mess. I smelt her perf everywhere I went. I heard her voice in every call. Every woman looked like her! In fact I had to leave my office for the whole day once when a female client came to sit in front of me and all I could see, hear, smell in her was E-babay. This kinda ish one only reads in magazines and books but I lived it for like 2 weeks. She did call me to make up and my heart wanted to beg her to come back, promise her the heavenlies and the four corners of the earth. Rather, I heard my head saying "I believe that there is no future in this if we can’t agree on religion".
The only consolation, if any, was that we broke up just a week before I landed a really plum appointment. Thus it was hard to say I dumped her when I got ‘big’ etc etc
=====================================================
Present day
'E-Baby!, What a surprise. How you dey? Wasn’t expecting YOU to call me...'
She laughs. My! That laughter
'Abi?! If you sha wont call us. Big boy, you've forgotten all your peeps'
'Me? haba! Why you go talk like that now...you know it 'didn’t' possible for me to 4et my peeps now. Howz bros?
'He's fine o...'
We launch into like an extra 3 minutes of friendly banter. I've always loved gisting with her.
'Mancee?', 'yeah..?'
'Do you remember when...'
And it was like someone reached behind me and switched off all the ambient noise, dimmed the lights to a lustful glow and put on some Teddy Pendergras complete with candlelight flames dancing. Girlfriend was recounting the good times we had and asking if I remembered. I laughed uneasily and quickly changed the topic. Please tell me she's kidding! Who could forget...?". "How can I EVER forget...?"
===================================================
She got wedded like 6 months after our split to a big bros who had always been on her case all the while. She didn’t tell me. I found out in a rather ugly way. I called her and asked why she didn’t tell me. She said she believed I didn’t want anything to do with her again. (!) When she told me who it was, I laughed and she retorted that "...when you said you werent doing anymore"
I remember when we met again, a year after her wedding. She was on a marketing run near my office. I went to see her commenting her looks and she reciprocating. We hugged, friendly hug intended, felt her linger on the hug. I did too. We hugged some more (yes it was full frontal this time). She asked me to kiss her and I longed to. I must have used up like a year's supply of self-control not to hungrily kiss her right there in that covered entrance.
‘She is married’, said my head to my stupid heart and hard loins. I smiled at her and slid away. She gave me a shy smile and asked me to again. I hardened my face and said through clenched teeth (more for my sake than hers) ‘You are a married woman’. "You and self control sha...”, she sighed, and smiling, shook my outstretched hands. I avoided her for another year or so after that.
We are still ‘friends’, no I’ve never met her husband nor been to her house, neither has she been to mine. We’d talk now and then-though not so often; she used to 'report' her husband to me (lol) and I’d tell her to calm down and try to explain things to her from a guy’s view point etc etc.
A lot of times did I regret our break up especially for the reasons it happened. My life hasn't exactly validated that decision you see...
E-Babay,
You loved me (still do?) in a way no woman has ever; when I had nothing to offer, hardly two dimes to rub together for long, no fancy restaurant date, no glistening trinket could I afford, all I had and which you readily accepted was just me, my not-so-white-anymore gapped dentition and boyish smile and my lofty dreams and aspirations. I pray no one will ever have cause to love me in such circumstances- I guess that means your space in my biography is well secured. Stay smiling.
No. She wasn’t the finest person I had seen. Nor was she the most eloquent. She wasnt the nicest, funniest, most fun, religious person ever. On a lot of levels she was pretty average. But she was a woman who found a way to love me at my most unlovable (I think) and did with all of herself.
E-babay, like I fondly called her was just a phenomenon in herself, all by herself. She had this absolute adoration of me that often worried me till I got used to it and learnt to actually appreciate it. If Mancee said so, so it was or not. Mancee is never wrong. Sometimes I'm amazed at the absolute lack of guile in that woman. No she wasn’t a naive person by any inch; infact she had gone through quite a rough patch in life but had somehow come through it all with her head held mostly high. She was one of those people I'd willingly celebrate; people who recognise the pain in the world, have had more than their fair share of it and inspite of it all still choose to be smilers. For me these are the true unsung heroes.
You must understand that this was during my youth service, a time of intense smoldering anger for me against a lot of things too numerous to mention. A period when I was trying to make my own way and define myself without recourse to my parents for financial help. Needless to say, I suffered not a few, though I was damn too proud to admit it to anyone. There were many adays when I'd go without some meals and I re-discovered the 'beauty' of sliced bread and mayonnaise...Oh I forgot, You were not there in the beginning....
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\|….
I was president of our Community Development (CD) group in the state. Her set was the one after mine and I had the task of showing them the ropes on camp. I took it further by ensuring that they all got settled well in the state before they have to make their own way. Of course, by then I had quite a network breadth and depth amidst the NYSC community and I leveraged on this extensively to get relatively good placements for each of my members and accommodation when they left camp on passing out day.
"So people, as your president, everyone's accommodation is my responsibility at least for the first few days till you find your feet and if you need anything, call my gsm...I'm certain I'll know someone who knows someone who can help"
Shouts of 'PRESIDO' went up admist thunderous cheering, complete with cat calls.
I had finished with everyone save her. She told me not to worry about her as she had enough money on her to book a hotel room. I would hear none of it. I told her if she thought I was going to leave her like that then she had another think coming. I eventually settled her with a female friend who lived in a small room. It was a last resort as it was getting late. I did feel like I was imposing on my friend but she assured me it was okay.
With an intention to 'buffer' their having to be together, I would go to their place after work and gist with them before heading home. My friend's boyfriend was usually around and I often found myself alone with her. We got talking and enjoying it. I don’t remember how...but we kissed one night, in the dark. It was beautiful.
She was later to ask me why I did not take her to my place that first night as opposed to going through such hoops to get her a place, or was there a girl living with me? I laughed out loud at this and took her to my place that night.
While we made out in my room, she said "Mancee, I love you". I rebuked her, saying she didn’t know what she was talking about as that word wasn’t to be used lightly. We made out some more and it started getting rather intense. I backed down. She asked why. I told her I didnt want to have sex with her. I could see the pained look in her eyes as she looked in mine looking for a reason. I told her I wasn’t down with having sex, protection or not. She clearly communicated to me that she did not understand. All the while we were together, we did not have intercourse.
I remember once while I was washing my clothes and she was visiting, she commented on my rippling muscles and came to sit behind me on the low stool. She ran her hands over my bare chest for a while and later slid into my boxers where she, of course, met a 'stiff opposition'. “You are very hard", she remarked in a surprised tone. "What were you expecting...?" I queried. "Why then don’t you want to have sex?". I told her it was a decision I made to myself to attempt to stay away from the usual rot associated with corp members and NYSC service year. After this event, she stopped asking for sex saying now she was satisfied that it wasnt that I couldn’t get it up…! Me! *aghast*. As an aside, I think I kinda compensated during our ‘Touchery’ sessions. *wink*
Often, I'd wonder how I got so lucky to have her. She was an exceptional person in herself. She made enough money from holding down two jobs in lagos (!). NYSC was just a formality. She had this killer figure and had done some modeling for a while. All I had to offer her was just my plenty dreams (I admit, some were waaay beyond me) and weird ways. When she's in lagos, she’d call me up every day (gsm was still expensive then) and we'd chat endlessly. I was the primary reason she came to that state when she does. She took an interest in every thing I liked. She’d clap her hands in glee whenever I read her poetry written for her. She made me feel like a King of kings. She'd try to give me money when I was broke (which was often, lol) and I'd vehemently refuse. I was waay too proud to. The "why don’t you want to take money from me", quickly became" Mancee, why do you keep pushing me away? Why don’t you want me to share in your pains too..."
Aside the money quarrels. Our next big thing was religion. She wasn’t taking it as ‘seriously’ as I wanted her to. She'd often wonder why I was making a big deal out of religion. I have forgiven myself, you see, and I think you may forgive my stupidity too... but we did break up. Guess why! Of course good old opium of the people; religion.
The week we broke up, (this was after NYSC), I was a mess. I smelt her perf everywhere I went. I heard her voice in every call. Every woman looked like her! In fact I had to leave my office for the whole day once when a female client came to sit in front of me and all I could see, hear, smell in her was E-babay. This kinda ish one only reads in magazines and books but I lived it for like 2 weeks. She did call me to make up and my heart wanted to beg her to come back, promise her the heavenlies and the four corners of the earth. Rather, I heard my head saying "I believe that there is no future in this if we can’t agree on religion".
The only consolation, if any, was that we broke up just a week before I landed a really plum appointment. Thus it was hard to say I dumped her when I got ‘big’ etc etc
=====================================================
Present day
'E-Baby!, What a surprise. How you dey? Wasn’t expecting YOU to call me...'
She laughs. My! That laughter
'Abi?! If you sha wont call us. Big boy, you've forgotten all your peeps'
'Me? haba! Why you go talk like that now...you know it 'didn’t' possible for me to 4et my peeps now. Howz bros?
'He's fine o...'
We launch into like an extra 3 minutes of friendly banter. I've always loved gisting with her.
'Mancee?', 'yeah..?'
'Do you remember when...'
And it was like someone reached behind me and switched off all the ambient noise, dimmed the lights to a lustful glow and put on some Teddy Pendergras complete with candlelight flames dancing. Girlfriend was recounting the good times we had and asking if I remembered. I laughed uneasily and quickly changed the topic. Please tell me she's kidding! Who could forget...?". "How can I EVER forget...?"
===================================================
She got wedded like 6 months after our split to a big bros who had always been on her case all the while. She didn’t tell me. I found out in a rather ugly way. I called her and asked why she didn’t tell me. She said she believed I didn’t want anything to do with her again. (!) When she told me who it was, I laughed and she retorted that "...when you said you werent doing anymore"
I remember when we met again, a year after her wedding. She was on a marketing run near my office. I went to see her commenting her looks and she reciprocating. We hugged, friendly hug intended, felt her linger on the hug. I did too. We hugged some more (yes it was full frontal this time). She asked me to kiss her and I longed to. I must have used up like a year's supply of self-control not to hungrily kiss her right there in that covered entrance.
‘She is married’, said my head to my stupid heart and hard loins. I smiled at her and slid away. She gave me a shy smile and asked me to again. I hardened my face and said through clenched teeth (more for my sake than hers) ‘You are a married woman’. "You and self control sha...”, she sighed, and smiling, shook my outstretched hands. I avoided her for another year or so after that.
We are still ‘friends’, no I’ve never met her husband nor been to her house, neither has she been to mine. We’d talk now and then-though not so often; she used to 'report' her husband to me (lol) and I’d tell her to calm down and try to explain things to her from a guy’s view point etc etc.
A lot of times did I regret our break up especially for the reasons it happened. My life hasn't exactly validated that decision you see...
E-Babay,
You loved me (still do?) in a way no woman has ever; when I had nothing to offer, hardly two dimes to rub together for long, no fancy restaurant date, no glistening trinket could I afford, all I had and which you readily accepted was just me, my not-so-white-anymore gapped dentition and boyish smile and my lofty dreams and aspirations. I pray no one will ever have cause to love me in such circumstances- I guess that means your space in my biography is well secured. Stay smiling.
Monday, August 3, 2009
TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (1)
Tis silly the kind of things one remembers, but I’ll never forget the ending of her last letter to me
"With Love,
Chine ABC,
The girl who came, who saw and conquered your story-loveable heart"
I never quite got round to asking her what 'story loveable heart' meant *sigh*. I guess its too late now-she's 6 years married with 2 boys; her 'soldiers' she calls them. *chuckle*
We met at an extra coaching school I enrolled in with my gang in SS3. My gang planned to maintain a low profile but we started answering too many questions correctly. Suddenly, our gang of skin-headed lads in neatly ironed white starched uniforms who kept to themselves became quite an item. Even if I say so myself, our mix of brains and brawl was unusual. She came after me, I guess she noticed.
I tried to push her away but was captivated by her bright mind. She stuck on me and I learnt love from her.
She was the 'Head Chic In Charge' of the clique from her school. I led mine. It was a natural fit. Did I mention she had a genuinely bright mind? And quite pretty too. veeery long hair, almost my height. She had a deep throat laughter which always sounded like music and had a way of looking at me. When shes mad at me, she'd call my full name-lol, then I'd know something was amiss. She loved me; more than I understood love.
She used to call me her soul mate (!). We got same JAMB scores for the same course in different universities! She believed in me way more than I did me.
We were together for 2 years plus. We split during our second years in the university.
Why? I think I was just being older than my age. I went to her school and asked what we were doing with the relationship. Where do we plan to take it to-she is from across the Niger. I said I was ready to fight my parents if need be, were they to oppose our being together. She said she couldn’t go against her mum's wish. She is an only daughter of 6 kids.
I said we couldn’t go ahead then as it was just a waste of time. She did try to reach me but I wouldn’t let her. I ached for almost a year over the choice. I decided I loved her enough to make the sacrifice of letting her go. I did not want to waste her time I said to myself; afteral everyone knows women tend to age faster than the males. I wanted her to be able to open up to someone else (who she could have a future with) and all.
I ran into her on her fifth wedding anniversary at an eatery.. We reminisced for like 2 hrs catching up. She wasn’t exactly happy with her life. She asked me why we didn’t just elope back then. I refrained from saying "hunger might have killed our asses". I didn’t encourage the thought though, changed the topic and offered to drop her off at her destination.
I would have loved to still be able to call her up, go to her house and just gist. Meet her husband (who by the way is much older than us), buy gifts for her 'soilders', and generally hang out but I don’t trust that that will do anyone any good.
Fine girl, you became a standard in many ways. For me, you are the first. You occupy a part of me that can never be replaced. I'll always think of you fondly.
ps: We never did 'it'.
"With Love,
Chine ABC,
The girl who came, who saw and conquered your story-loveable heart"
I never quite got round to asking her what 'story loveable heart' meant *sigh*. I guess its too late now-she's 6 years married with 2 boys; her 'soldiers' she calls them. *chuckle*
We met at an extra coaching school I enrolled in with my gang in SS3. My gang planned to maintain a low profile but we started answering too many questions correctly. Suddenly, our gang of skin-headed lads in neatly ironed white starched uniforms who kept to themselves became quite an item. Even if I say so myself, our mix of brains and brawl was unusual. She came after me, I guess she noticed.
I tried to push her away but was captivated by her bright mind. She stuck on me and I learnt love from her.
She was the 'Head Chic In Charge' of the clique from her school. I led mine. It was a natural fit. Did I mention she had a genuinely bright mind? And quite pretty too. veeery long hair, almost my height. She had a deep throat laughter which always sounded like music and had a way of looking at me. When shes mad at me, she'd call my full name-lol, then I'd know something was amiss. She loved me; more than I understood love.
She used to call me her soul mate (!). We got same JAMB scores for the same course in different universities! She believed in me way more than I did me.
We were together for 2 years plus. We split during our second years in the university.
Why? I think I was just being older than my age. I went to her school and asked what we were doing with the relationship. Where do we plan to take it to-she is from across the Niger. I said I was ready to fight my parents if need be, were they to oppose our being together. She said she couldn’t go against her mum's wish. She is an only daughter of 6 kids.
I said we couldn’t go ahead then as it was just a waste of time. She did try to reach me but I wouldn’t let her. I ached for almost a year over the choice. I decided I loved her enough to make the sacrifice of letting her go. I did not want to waste her time I said to myself; afteral everyone knows women tend to age faster than the males. I wanted her to be able to open up to someone else (who she could have a future with) and all.
I ran into her on her fifth wedding anniversary at an eatery.. We reminisced for like 2 hrs catching up. She wasn’t exactly happy with her life. She asked me why we didn’t just elope back then. I refrained from saying "hunger might have killed our asses". I didn’t encourage the thought though, changed the topic and offered to drop her off at her destination.
I would have loved to still be able to call her up, go to her house and just gist. Meet her husband (who by the way is much older than us), buy gifts for her 'soilders', and generally hang out but I don’t trust that that will do anyone any good.
Fine girl, you became a standard in many ways. For me, you are the first. You occupy a part of me that can never be replaced. I'll always think of you fondly.
ps: We never did 'it'.
Friday, July 17, 2009
...Musing
Hi,
For some reasons, I've been going through our mail-gists till date and consequently feel a certain sense of closeness to you.
It seems its like 10,000 years since I last spoke with you...so why dont I call? I dont know (!)
*deeply confused look*
Thinking of you makes me smile, okay, sometimes laugh.
What this means exactly I sincerely do not know. But one thing is certain, I have definitely grown closer to you than I might otherwise admit to myself or anybody else for that matter.
Why am I even writing this? I've bothered to ask myself. I do not know why. But a word keeps coming to mind 'premonition'. No! Don't ask me what that means (either) or its relevance-I honestly do not know.
*sigh*
I have , of course, tried to psycho analyse you. I have wondered about you endlessly. Do you know I think about you often? Whats your tale? Where have you been?What makes you smile? what makes you sad? What are your dreams? What are your fears? How can I help?
I have listened to you , like I haven't to anyone in a while. and I have found you a wonderful woman. Of course not perfect (who is?) but a wonderful woman. Someone who I would readily wish I had known at least 3 years before now...maybe my life would have had a better chance at happiness than right now...Maybe I'll still know of a certainty how to initiate and return happiness to others from my heart.
I have tried to read between the lines and make sense of the many hours we've spent talking, writing, laughing and sharing each others' days and events. I can only say this much 'I appreciate you'. I am grateful for the chance to have known you, to have been singled out by you for the shower of attention, to have been given the opportunity to share a part of your life. It both amuses me and gladdens my heart; all at the same time.
If not for the many bags and baggage I carry around, I might even have been able to love you like a wonderful person like you deserves. it grieves me to smithereens when I think about it. I have half expected ( and maybe hoped) that, somehow, you'd grow weary of talking to me and fizzle out. Cos I know I may never be able to do that myself. I see many bright, smiles and laughter filled years in your life and often wonder if I might be holding you back from living it; and often times if I'm meant to OR will be privileged to be a part of it...
Ma'am, You have been and are a blessing to me. All of these somehow add to my grief and to the thought that I'm just being a selfish oaf. I feel bad that I may not be able to offer you all you deserve in return nor even be able to sincerely make a heart-felt promise to. Don't get me wrong, the desire is there to...but the reality of the many strings with which I am still entangled and in whose shadow I seem to still dwell weighs heavily on my heart. Thinking of you sometimes then make me sad.
That said. Allow me to re-iterate that everything I have ever said to you have been true, sincere and heartfelt-to the best of my knowledge.
I cant ever erase from my faculties the picture of you as a flower in bloom that wants to and needs to be shielded and cared for. Taken indoors and shown off with utmost pride while its fragrance and beauty illuminates the lives that encounter it.
I'm gravely and sorely tempted to think the healing my heart seeks may be found with you, and my heart likes the idea too...did I hear you say 'selfish bastard'?, LOL I agree too.
Dear lady, this much is certain though; whatever happens, wherever I am, at whenever - the time I've been privileged to spend with you will always be some of my fondest.
Yeah I know, I may not be making sense at all. *chuckle*
Hope you are okay and your heart is at peace.
*wide heartfelt smile*
Na me,
ManCee
For some reasons, I've been going through our mail-gists till date and consequently feel a certain sense of closeness to you.
It seems its like 10,000 years since I last spoke with you...so why dont I call? I dont know (!)
*deeply confused look*
Thinking of you makes me smile, okay, sometimes laugh.
What this means exactly I sincerely do not know. But one thing is certain, I have definitely grown closer to you than I might otherwise admit to myself or anybody else for that matter.
Why am I even writing this? I've bothered to ask myself. I do not know why. But a word keeps coming to mind 'premonition'. No! Don't ask me what that means (either) or its relevance-I honestly do not know.
*sigh*
I have , of course, tried to psycho analyse you. I have wondered about you endlessly. Do you know I think about you often? Whats your tale? Where have you been?What makes you smile? what makes you sad? What are your dreams? What are your fears? How can I help?
I have listened to you , like I haven't to anyone in a while. and I have found you a wonderful woman. Of course not perfect (who is?) but a wonderful woman. Someone who I would readily wish I had known at least 3 years before now...maybe my life would have had a better chance at happiness than right now...Maybe I'll still know of a certainty how to initiate and return happiness to others from my heart.
I have tried to read between the lines and make sense of the many hours we've spent talking, writing, laughing and sharing each others' days and events. I can only say this much 'I appreciate you'. I am grateful for the chance to have known you, to have been singled out by you for the shower of attention, to have been given the opportunity to share a part of your life. It both amuses me and gladdens my heart; all at the same time.
If not for the many bags and baggage I carry around, I might even have been able to love you like a wonderful person like you deserves. it grieves me to smithereens when I think about it. I have half expected ( and maybe hoped) that, somehow, you'd grow weary of talking to me and fizzle out. Cos I know I may never be able to do that myself. I see many bright, smiles and laughter filled years in your life and often wonder if I might be holding you back from living it; and often times if I'm meant to OR will be privileged to be a part of it...
Ma'am, You have been and are a blessing to me. All of these somehow add to my grief and to the thought that I'm just being a selfish oaf. I feel bad that I may not be able to offer you all you deserve in return nor even be able to sincerely make a heart-felt promise to. Don't get me wrong, the desire is there to...but the reality of the many strings with which I am still entangled and in whose shadow I seem to still dwell weighs heavily on my heart. Thinking of you sometimes then make me sad.
That said. Allow me to re-iterate that everything I have ever said to you have been true, sincere and heartfelt-to the best of my knowledge.
I cant ever erase from my faculties the picture of you as a flower in bloom that wants to and needs to be shielded and cared for. Taken indoors and shown off with utmost pride while its fragrance and beauty illuminates the lives that encounter it.
I'm gravely and sorely tempted to think the healing my heart seeks may be found with you, and my heart likes the idea too...did I hear you say 'selfish bastard'?, LOL I agree too.
Dear lady, this much is certain though; whatever happens, wherever I am, at whenever - the time I've been privileged to spend with you will always be some of my fondest.
Yeah I know, I may not be making sense at all. *chuckle*
Hope you are okay and your heart is at peace.
*wide heartfelt smile*
Na me,
ManCee
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